Literature Online, Full text dictionariesC.O.D.Webster'sShakespearecombined Full text Bukowski, Charles: [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999)] Order this book Bukowski, Charles: what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999) , The Viking Press Bibliographic details Bibliographic details for the Electronic File Bukowski, Charles: what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999) Ann Arbor, MI. 2000 Bell & Howell Information and Learning Company. Database of Twentieth Century American Poetry Copyright © 2000 Bell & Howell Information and Learning Company. All Rights Reserved. Do not export or print from this database without checking the Copyright Conditions to see what is permitted. Bibliographic details for the Source Text Bukowski, Charles what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. Santa Rosa Black Sparrow Press [Note: 1Kb] 1999 413 p. Preliminaries omitted Copyright © 1999 by Linda Lee Bukowski. ISBN 1574231057 [Page] WHAT MATTERS MOST IS HOW WELL YOU WALK THROUGH THE FIRE [Page] By Charles Bukowski BY Charles Bukowski Flower, Fist and Bestial Wail (1960) Longshot Pomes for Broke Players (1962) Run with the Hunted (1962) It Catches My Heart in Its Hands (1963) Crucifix in a Deathhand (1965) Cold Dogs in the Courtyard (1965) Confessions of a Man Insane Enough to Live with Beasts (1965) All the Assholes in the World and Mine (1966) At Terror Street and Agony Way (1968) Poems Written Before Jumping out of an 8 Story Window (1968) Notes of a Dirty Old Man (1969) The Days Run Away Like Wild Horses Over the Hills (1969) Fire Station (1970) Post Office (1971) Mockingbird Wish Me Luck (1972) Erections, Ejaculations, Exhibitions and General Tales of Ordinary Madness (1972) South of No North (1973) Burning in Water, Drowning in Flame: Selected Poems 1955-1973 (1974) Factotum (1975) Love Is a Dog from Hell: Poems 1974-1977 (1977) Women (1978) Play the Piano Drunk/Like a Percussion Instrument/Until the Fingers Begin to Bleed a Bit (1979) Dangling in the Tournefortia (1981) Ham on Rye (1982) Bring Me Your Love (1983) Hot Water Music (1983) There's No Business (1984) War All the Time: Poems 1981-1984 (1984) You Get So Alone at Times That It Just Makes Sense (1986) The Movie: "Barfly"; (1987) The Roominghouse Madrigals: Early Selected Poems 1946-1966 (1988) Hollywood (1989) Septuagenarian Stew: Stories & Poems (1990) The Last Night of the Earth Poems (1992) Run with the Hunted: A Charles Bukowski Reader (1993) Screams from the Balcony: Selected Letters 1960-1970 (1993) Pulp (1994) Shakespeare Never Did This (augmented edition) (1995) Living on Luck: Selected Letters 1960s-1970s, Volume 2 (1995) Betting on the Muse: Poems & Stories (1996) Bone Palace Ballet: New Poems (1997) The Captain Is Out to Lunch and the Sailors Have Taken Over the Ship (1998) Reach for the Sun: Selected Letters 1978-1994 (1999) What Matters Most Is How Well You Walk Through the Fire (1999) [Page] Acknowledgments ACKNOWLEDGMENTS These poems, written between 1970 and 1990, are part of an archive that Charles Bukowski left to be published after his death. On behalf of the author, the publisher would like to thank the editors of the periodicals where some of these poems first appeared. [Page] Dedication for Marina Louise Bukowski [Page] 1 blue beads and bones [By Bukowski, C.] [Page 17] Bukowski, Charles:my father and the bum [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 my father believed in work. 2 he was proud to have a 3 job. 4 sometimes he didn't have a 5 job and then he was very 6 ashamed. 7 he'd be so ashamed that he'd 8 leave the house in the morning 9 and then come back in the evening 10 so the neighbors wouldn't 11 know. 12 me, 13 I liked the man next door: 14 he just sat in a chair in 15 his back yard and threw darts 16 at some circles he had painted 17 on the side of his garage. 18 in Los Angeles in 1930 19 he had a wisdom that 20 Goethe, Hegel, Kierkegaard, 21 Nietzsche, Freud, 22 Jaspers, Heidegger and 23 Toynbee would find hard 24 to deny. [Page 18] Bukowski, Charles:legs, hips and behind [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 we liked the priest because once we saw him buy 2 an icecream cone 3 we were 9 years old then and when I went to 4 my best friend's house his mother was usually 5 drinking with his father 6 they left the screen door open and listened 7 to music on the radio 8 his mother sometimes had her dress pulled 9 high and her legs excited me 10 made me nervous and afraid but excited 11 somehow 12 by those black polished shoes and those nylons--- 13 even though she had buck teeth and a 14 very plain face. 15 when we were ten his father shot and 16 killed himself with a bullet through 17 the head 18 but my best friend and his mother went on 19 living in that house 20 and I used to see his mother going 21 up the hill to the market with her 22 shopping bag and I'd walk along beside 23 her 24 quite conscious of her legs and her 25 hips and her behind 26 the way they all moved together 27 and she always spoke nicely to me 28 and her son and I went to church and 29 confession together 30 and the priest lived in a cottage 31 behind the church [Page 19] 32 and a fat kind lady was always there 33 with him 34 when we went to visit 35 and everything seemed warm and 36 comfortable then in 37 1930 38 because I didn't know 39 that there was a worldwide 40 depression 41 and that madness and sorrow and fear were 42 almost everywhere. [Page 20] Bukowski, Charles:igloo [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 his name was Eddie and he had a 2 big white dog 3 with a curly tail 4 a huskie 5 like one of those that pulled sleighs 6 up near the north pole 7 Igloo he called him 8 and Eddie had a bow and arrow 9 and every week or two 10 he'd send an arrow 11 into the dog's side 12 then run into his mother's house 13 through the yelping 14 saying that Igloo had fallen on 15 the arrow. 16 that dog took quite a few arrows and 17 managed to 18 survive 19 but I saw what really happened and didn't 20 like Eddie very much. 21 so when I broke Eddie's leg 22 in a sandlot football game 23 that was my way of getting even 24 for Igloo. 25 his parents threatened to sue my 26 parents 27 claiming I did it on purpose because 28 that's what Eddie 29 told them. 30 well, nobody had any money anyhow [Page 21] 31 and when Eddie's father got a job 32 in San Diego 33 they moved away and left the 34 dog. 35 we took him in. 36 Igloo turned out to be rather dumb 37 did not respond to very much 38 had no life or joy in him 39 just stuck out his tongue 40 panted 41 slept most of the time 42 when he wasn't eating 43 and although he wiped his ass 44 up and down the lawn after 45 defecating 46 he usually had a large fragrant smear of 47 brown 48 under his tail 49 when he was run over by an 50 icecream truck 51 3 or 4 months later 52 and died in a stream of scarlet 53 I didn't feel more than the 54 usual amount of grief 55 and loss 56 and I was still glad that I 57 had managed to 58 break Eddie's leg. [Page 22] Bukowski, Charles:the mice [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 my father caught the baby mice 2 they were still alive and he 3 flung them into the flaming 4 incinerator 5 one by one. 6 the flames leaped out 7 and I wanted to throw my father 8 in there 9 but my being 10 years old 10 made that 11 impossible. 12 "o.k., they're dead," he told me, 13 "I killed the bastards!" 14 "you didn't have to do that," 15 I said. 16 "do you want them running 17 all over the house? 18 they leave droppings, they 19 bring disease! 20 what would you do with 21 them?" 22 "I'd make pets out of 23 them." 24 "pets! 25 what the hell's wrong with 26 you anyhow?" [Page 23] 27 the flame in the incinerator 28 was dying down. 29 it was all too late. 30 it was over. 31 my father had won 32 again. [Page 24] Bukowski, Charles:my garden [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 in the sun and in the rain 2 and in the day and in the night 3 pain is a flower 4 pain is flowers 5 blooming all the time. [Page 25] Bukowski, Charles:legs and white thighs [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 the 3 of us were somewhere 2 between 9 and 10 years old 3 and we would gather in the bushes 4 alongside the driveway about 9:30 5 p.m. and look under the shade 6 and through the curtains at Mrs. Curson's 7 crossed legs---always 8 one foot wiggling, such a fine 9 thin ankle! 10 and she usually had her skirt 11 above the knee 12 (actually above the knee!) 13 and then above the garter that 14 held the hose sometimes we could see 15 a glimpse of her white thigh. 16 how we looked and breathed and 17 dreamed about those perfect 18 white thighs! 19 suddenly Mr. Curson would 20 get up from his chair to 21 let the dog out and 22 we'd start running through strange yards 23 climbing 5 foot lattice fences, 24 falling, getting up, running for 25 blocks 26 finally getting brave again and 27 stopping at some hamburger stand 28 for a coke. 29 I'm sure that Mrs. Curson never 30 realized what her legs and white 31 thighs did for us 32 then. [Page 26] Bukowski, Charles:Mademoiselle from Armentières [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 if you gotta have wars 2 I suppose World War One was the best. 3 really, you know, both sides were much more enthusiastic, 4 they really had something to fight for, 5 they really thought they had something to fight for, 6 it was bloody and wrong but it was Romantic, 7 those dirty Germans with babies stuck on the ends of their 8 bayonets, and so forth, and 9 there were lots of patriotic songs, and the women loved both the 10 soldiers 11 and their money. 12 the Mexican war and those other wars hardly ever happened. 13 and the Civil War, that was just a movie. 14 the wars come too fast now 15 even the pro-war boys grow weary, 16 World War Two did them in, 17 and then Korea, that Korea, 18 that was dirty, nobody won 19 except the black marketeers, 20 and BAM!---then came Vietnam, 21 I suppose the historians will have a name and a meaning for it, 22 but the young wised-up first 23 and now the old are getting wise, 24 almost everybody's anti-war, 25 no use having a war you can't win, 26 right or wrong. 27 hell, I remember when I was a kid it 28 was ten or 15 years after World War One was over, 29 we built model planes of Spads and Fokkers, [Page 27] 30 we bought Flying Aces magazine at the newsstand 31 we knew about Baron Manfred von Richtofen 32 and Capt. Eddie Rickenbacker 33 and we fought in dream trenches with our dream rifles 34 and had dream 35 bayonet fights with the dirty 36 Hun ... 37 and those movies, full of drama and excitement, 38 about good old World War One, where 39 we almost got the Kaiser, we almost kidnapped him 40 once, 41 and in the end 42 we finished off all those spike-helmeted bastards 43 forever. 44 the young kids now, they don't build model warplanes 45 nor do they dream fight in dream rice paddies, 46 they know it's all useless, ordinary, 47 just a job like 48 sweeping the streets or picking up the garbage, 49 they'd rather go watch a Western or hang out at the 50 mall or go to the zoo or a football game, they're 51 already thinking of college and automobiles and wives 52 and homes and barbecues, they're already trapped 53 in another kind of dream, another kind of war, 54 and I guess it won't kill them as fast, at least not 55 physically. 56 it was wrong but World War One was fun for us 57 it gave us Jean Harlow and James Cagney 58 and "Mademoiselle from Armentières, Parley-Voo?" 59 it gave us 60 long afternoons and evenings of play 61 (we didn't realize that many of us were soon to die in 62 another war) 63 yes, they fooled us nicely but we were young and loved it--- 64 the lies of our elders--- [Page 28] 65 and see how it has changed--- 66 they can't bullshit 67 even a kid anymore, 68 not about all that. [Page 29] Bukowski, Charles:my father's big-time fling [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 I came home from grammar school 2 one day 3 and my mother was sitting, 4 crying 5 there was a woman there with a large nose 6 and my father was there. 7 my mother said, "come here." 8 I walked over and she said, 9 "do you love me?" 10 I wasn't quite sure but I told her, 11 "yes." 12 then my father said to me, 13 "get the hell out of here." and my mother 14 said, "no, Henry, stay." 15 "I'll kill you," I told my father. 16 "oh, christ," said the woman with the big nose, 17 "I'm getting out of here!" 18 "who do you love?" my mother asked my father. 19 my father began crying, 20 "I love you both," 21 he said. 22 "I'll kill you," 23 I told him again. 24 the woman with the big nose grabbed her 25 purse and ran from the house. 26 "Edna! wait!" screamed my father. 27 he ran out of the house after her. 28 I ran out too. 29 Edna got into my father's car and 30 began to drive it down the 31 street. she had the [Page 30] 32 keys. my father ran after the 33 car. he managed to reach in and 34 grab Edna's purse. but Edna 35 drove off 36 anyhow. 37 back in the house 38 my mother said to me: 39 "he says he loves her. did you see her 40 nose, Henry?" 41 "yes, I saw it." 42 "christ," said my father, "get that kid out of here!" 43 "I'll kill you!" I told him. 44 he rushed toward me. 45 I didn't see the blow. 46 my ear and face burned, I was on the 47 floor--- 48 and inside my head 49 a flash of red 50 and a ringing sound. 51 it cleared. I got up and rushed at him, 52 swinging. I couldn't 53 kill him. 54 a month later 55 somebody broke his arm in a fight 56 and it made me 57 very happy. [Page 31] Bukowski, Charles:the bakers of 1935 [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 my mother, father and I 2 walked to the market 3 once a week 4 for our government relief food: 5 cans of beans, cans of 6 weenies, cans of hash, 7 some potatoes, some 8 eggs. 9 we carried the supplies 10 in large shopping 11 bags. 12 and as we left the market 13 we always stopped 14 outside 15 where there was a large 16 window 17 where we could see the 18 bakers 19 kneading 20 the flour into the 21 dough. 22 there were 5 bakers, 23 large young men 24 and they stood at 25 5 large wooden tables 26 working very hard, 27 not looking up. 28 they flipped the dough in 29 the air 30 and all the sizes and 31 designs were [Page 32] 32 different. 33 we were always hungry 34 and the sight of the men 35 working the dough, 36 flipping it in the 37 air was a wondrous 38 sight, indeed. 39 but then, it would come time 40 to leave 41 and we would walk away 42 carrying our heavy 43 shopping bags. 44 "those men have jobs," 45 my father would say. 46 he said it each time. 47 every time we watched 48 the bakers he would say 49 that. 50 "I think I've found a new way 51 to make the hash," 52 my mother would say 53 each time. 54 or sometimes it was 55 the weenies. 56 we ate the eggs all 57 different ways: 58 fried, poached, boiled. 59 one of our favorites was 60 poached eggs on hash. 61 but that favorite finally 62 became almost impossible 63 to eat. 64 and the potatoes, we fried 65 them, baked them, boiled [Page 33] 66 them. 67 but the potatoes had a way 68 of not becoming as tiresome 69 as the hash, the eggs, the 70 beans. 71 one day, arriving home, 72 we placed all our foodstuffs 73 on the kitchen counter and 74 stared at them. 75 then we turned away. 76 "I'm going to hold up a 77 bank!" my father suddenly 78 said. 79 "oh no, Henry, please!" 80 said my mother, 81 "please don't!" 82 "we're going to eat some 83 steak, we're going to eat 84 steaks until they come out 85 of our ears!" 86 "but Henry, you don't have 87 a gun!" 88 "I'll hold something in my 89 coat, I'll pretend it's a gun!" 90 "I've got a water pistol," 91 I said, "you can use that." 92 my father looked at me. 93 "you," he said, "SHUT UP!" [Page 34] 94 I walked outside. 95 I sat on the back steps. 96 I could hear them in there 97 talking but I couldn't quite make it 98 out. 99 then I could hear them again, it was 100 louder. 101 "I'll find a new way to cook every- 102 thing!" my mother said. 103 "I'm going to rob a god-damned 104 bank!" my father said. 105 "Henry, please, please don't!" 106 I heard my mother. 107 I got up from the steps. 108 walked away into the 109 afternoon. [Page 35] Bukowski, Charles:the people [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 all people start to 2 come apart finally 3 and there it is: 4 just empty ashtrays in a room 5 or wisps of hair on a comb 6 in the dissolving moonlight. 7 it is all ash 8 and dry leaves 9 and grief gone 10 like an ocean liner. 11 when the shoes fill with blood 12 you know 13 that the shoes are dead. 14 true revolution 15 comes from true revulsion; 16 when things get bad enough 17 the kitten will kill the lion. 18 the statues in the church of my childhood 19 and the candles that burn at their feet 20 if I could only take these 21 and open their eyes 22 and feel their legs 23 and hear their clay mouths 24 say the true 25 clay 26 words. [Page 36] Bukowski, Charles:the pretty girl who rented rooms [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 down in New Orleans 2 this young pretty girl 3 showed me a room for rent and 4 it was dark in there and we stood 5 very close 6 and as we stood there 7 she said, 8 "the room is $4.50 a week." 9 and I said, 10 "I usually pay $3.50." 11 as we stood there in the dark 12 I decided to pay her $4.50 because 13 maybe I'd see her in the hall once in a 14 while 15 and I could not understand then why 16 women had to be like she was 17 they always waited for you 18 to give a sign 19 to make the first move 20 or not to make the first move 21 and I said, 22 "I'll take the room," and I gave her 23 the money 24 although I could see that 25 the sheets were dirty and the bed 26 wasn't made 27 but I was young and a virgin, 28 frightened and 29 confused 30 and I gave her the money 31 and she closed the door behind her 32 and there was no toilet and no sink [Page 37] 33 and no window. 34 the room was damp with suicide and death 35 and I undressed and lay down on the bed 36 and I lived there a week 37 and I saw many other people in the hall 38 old drunks 39 people on relief 40 crazy people 41 good young people 42 dull old people 43 but I never saw her again. 44 finally 45 I moved around the corner 46 to a new place 47 for $3.50 a week 48 run by another female 49 a 75-year-old religious maniac 50 with bad eyes and a limp 51 and we didn't have any trouble 52 at all 53 and there was a sink 54 and a window 55 in the room. [Page 38] Bukowski, Charles:too soon [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 this dutchman 2 in a Philly bar put 3 3 raw eggs in his 4 beer 5 before he took a 6 drink. 7 71, he was. 8 I was 23 and sat 3 9 barstools away 10 burning 11 sorrows. 12 I held my head in all its 13 tender precious 14 agony 15 and we drank 16 together. 17 "feelin' bad, kid?" he asked. 18 "yeh. yeh. yeh." 19 "kid," he said, "I've slept longer than you've 20 lived." 21 a good old man 22 he was 23 soothing [Page 39] 24 gold 25 and too soon 26 dead. [Page 40] Bukowski, Charles:canned heat? [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 not that I minded but I believe that my stint 2 while bumming drinks from the end barstool in 3 Philly 4 was about as low on the social scale as 5 you could get 6 until one day this gentleman walked in 7 and sat down beside me. 8 now his breath really REEKED. 9 I had to ask him, 10 "what the hell have you been drinking?" 11 "canned heat," he said. 12 "canned heat?" I asked. 13 "yeah, it's cheaper than the crap 14 you're drinking, I got a whole closet full 15 of it." 16 I was a little afraid of him and he sensed 17 that. 18 "don't worry about me," he said, "I'm all right, let me 19 buy you a beer." 20 "no, no, that's all right ..." 21 "I insist ... I'll even drink one myself." 22 he ordered two draft beers from Jim the 23 bartender. 24 I lifted mine. "cheers!" I said. 25 "cheers!" he said. 26 "we're different," he said, "you bum drinks, 27 I bum money for canned heat." [Page 41] 28 "but we're both bums!" 29 "right," he laughed. 30 we drank our beers. 31 I had a few coins so then I bought him 32 one. 33 we sat there not saying much. 34 he finished his beer, then 35 noticed two men sitting at the middle 36 of the bar. 37 "pardon me," he said. 38 he walked down, stood behind 39 them, asked something. 40 "get the hell away from me!" one of the 41 men said loudly. 42 "yeah!" yelled the other man. 43 then Jim the bartender yelled, 44 "get the hell out of here!" 45 the man walked to the door and was 46 gone. 47 Jim walked over to me. 48 "I don't want you talking to that son-of-a- 49 bitch!" he told me. 50 "Jim, he seemed like a nice guy!" 51 "he's crazy, he drinks canned heat!" 52 Jim walked off and began picking up glasses [Page 42] 53 and washing them. 54 he seemed very angry. 55 the other two men looked straight ahead, 56 not talking. 57 they also seemed quite angry. 58 I had no idea what canned heat was, 59 never heard of anybody in Philly 60 drinking it. 61 I sat and waited for happier 62 times. [Page 43] Bukowski, Charles:Pershing Square, Los Angeles, 1939 [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 One orator proving there was a God 2 and another proving that there wasn't. 3 and the crazy lady with the white and yellow 4 hair with the big dirty blue ribbon, 5 the white-striped dress, the tennis shoes, 6 the bare dirty ankles and the big dog 7 with the matted hardened fur. 8 and there was the guitar player and 9 the drum player and the flute player 10 all about, the winos sleeping on 11 the lawn 12 and all the while the war was rushing 13 toward us 14 but somehow nobody argued about the 15 war 16 or at least I never heard them. 17 in the late afternoon I would go into 18 one of the bars on 6th street. 19 I was 19 but I looked 30. 20 I ordered scotch-and-water. 21 I sat in a booth and nobody bothered 22 me 23 as the war rushed toward us. 24 as the afternoon dipped into evening 25 I refused to pay for my drinks. 26 and demanded more. 27 "Give me another drink or I'll 28 rip this place up!" 29 "All right," they told me, "one 30 more but it's the last and don't 31 come back, please." [Page 44] 32 I liked being young and mean. 33 the world didn't make any sense 34 to me. 35 as the night darkened I'd go back 36 to Pershing Square 37 and sit on the benches and watch 38 and listen to the 39 people. 40 the winos on the lawn passed bottles 41 of muscatel and port about 42 as the war rushed toward 43 us. 44 I wasn't interested in the war. 45 I didn't have anything, I didn't want 46 anything. 47 I had my half pint of whiskey and I 48 nipped at it, rolled cigarettes 49 and waited. 50 I'd read half the books in the library 51 and had spit them out. 52 the war rushed toward us. 53 the guitar player played his guitar. 54 the drummer beat his drums. 55 and the flute player played that thing 56 and it rushed toward us, 57 the air was clear and cool. 58 the stars seemed just a thousand feet 59 away above us 60 and you could see the red burning tips of 61 cigarettes 62 and there were people coughing and 63 laughing and swearing, 64 and some babbled and some prayed [Page 45] 65 and many just sat there doing 66 nothing, 67 there was nothing to do, 68 it was 1939 and it would never be 69 1939 again 70 in Los Angeles or any place 71 else 72 and I was young and mean and 73 lean 74 and I would never be that way 75 again 76 as it rushed toward 77 us. [Page 46] Bukowski, Charles:scene from 1940: [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 "I knew you were a bad-ass," he said. 2 "you sat in the back of Art class and 3 you never said anything. 4 then I saw you in that brutal fight 5 with the guy with the dirty yellow 6 hair. 7 I like guys like you, you're rare, you're 8 raw, you make your own rules!" 9 "get your fucking face out of mine!" 10 I told him. 11 "you see?" he said. "you see?" 12 he disgusted me. 13 I turned and walked off. 14 he had outwitted me: 15 praise was the only thing I couldn't 16 handle. [Page 47] Bukowski, Charles:my big moment [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 I was a packer in a factory east of 2 Alameda street 3 and I was living with a bad-assed 4 woman. 5 she fucked everybody and anybody 6 even me. 7 and I didn't have the sense to 8 leave. 9 anyhow, I worked all day and we 10 drank all night 11 and when I arrived every morning 12 at Sunbeam Lighting Co. 13 I always growled the 14 same thing: 15 "don't anybody fuck with me 16 I'm not in the mood for it." 17 this one morning 18 sitting on the floor in the shop 19 there was a large triangle of steel 20 with a little hand grip on top of it. 21 I didn't know what it was. 22 I'd never seen anything like it before. 23 it didn't matter. 24 all the killers and bullies and 25 musclemen were trying to lift it. 26 it wouldn't move. 27 "hey, Hank, baby!" a worker hollered, 28 "try it!" [Page 48] 29 "all right," I said. 30 I came around my bench, walked up 31 to the steel triangle, stuck my hand into the 32 grip and yanked. nothing. it must have 33 weighed at least 300 pounds. 34 I walked back to my bench. 35 "whatsa matter, Hank baby?" 36 "been beatin' your meat, Hank baby?" 37 "ah shit," I said, "for CHRIST'S SAKE!" 38 I walked back around my bench and swooped 39 down on the 40 object, grabbed it, lifted it a good foot, 41 put it down and went back to my bench 42 and continued packing a light fixture into a 43 box. 44 "jesus! did you see that, man?" 45 "I saw it! he did it!" 46 "let me lift that son of a bitch!" 47 he couldn't do it. they all came and 48 tried again. the heavy steel object wouldn't 49 move. 50 they went back to their various jobs. 51 at about noon a truck came in 52 with a crane in the back. the 53 crane reached down, grabbed the steel triangle 54 and lifted it, with much grinding, into [Page 49] 55 the truck. 56 for about a week after that the 57 blacks and Mexicans who had 58 never spoken to me 59 tried to make friends. 60 I was looked upon with much new 61 respect. 62 then not long after that 63 everybody seemed to forget 64 and 65 I began to get verbally 66 sliced again 67 challenged again 68 mocked again 69 it was the same old 70 bullshit. 71 they knew what I knew: 72 that I'd never be able to do anything 73 like that again. [Page 50] Bukowski, Charles:daylight saving time [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] [1] I came in and all the timecards wer e pulled so I had to go to Spindle in personnel and he said, what happene d, Chinaski? and I said, hell, all the t imecards are pulled, I couldn't pun ch in, and he said, you're an hour la te, and I said, hell, I have 6 p.m. r ight here on my watch, and he said, it' s Daylight Saving Time today, and I said , oh, and he said, how come you didn't know it was Daylight Saving? and I sa id, well, I don't have a TV and I don 't read the newspapers and I only lis ten to symphony music on the radio, a nd Spindle turned to the others in th e office and he said, look here, Chin aski says he doesn't have a TV and he doesn't read newspapers and he only l istens to symphony music on the radio , should I really believe that? and s omebody said, o, yes, you better beli eve it, that cat's crazy, that cat's crazy as they come, and Spindle got o ut my timecard and handed it to me an d said, all right, punch in, you'll b e docked for the missing time, and I took my card out to the clock and hit it and then I walked to the work area , all the workers snickering at me and making sly remarks, and I handed my c ard to supervisor Wilkins in row 88 a nd I sat down and went to work. [Page 51] Bukowski, Charles:the railroad yard [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 the feelings I get 2 driving past the railroad yard 3 (never on purpose but on my way to somewhere) 4 are the feelings other men have for other things. 5 I see the tracks and all the boxcars 6 the tank cars the flat cars 7 all of them motionless and so many of them 8 perfectly lined up and not an engine anywhere 9 (where are all the engines?). 10 I drive past looking sideways at it all 11 a wide, still railroad yard 12 not a human in sight 13 then I am past the yard 14 and it wasn't just the romance of it all 15 that gives me what I get 16 but something back there nameless 17 always making me feel better 18 as some men feel better looking at the open sea 19 or the mountains or at wild animals 20 or at a woman 21 I like those things too 22 especially the wild animals and the woman 23 but when I see those lovely old boxcars 24 with their faded painted lettering 25 and those flat cars and those fat round tankers 26 all lined up and waiting 27 I get quiet inside 28 I get what other men get from other things 29 I just feel better and it's good to feel better 30 whenever you can 31 not needing a reason. [Page 52] Bukowski, Charles:horseshit [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 the horse stood in the yard and 2 the women went out to see the horse 3 and one of the women got on the horse and 4 rode around and almost had her head knocked off by a 5 tree limb and 6 I stood in the kitchen 7 measuring sunlight and wall slant and 8 what was willing to be measured 9 and one of the women was big and white and fat and 10 aching to be fucked 11 but it would take a month of talking and a year's worth of 12 money and I didn't have either 13 so I put it aside 14 and soon they all came back inside 15 and the big fat white one who was aching 16 sat there talking about the horse 17 and one of the others leaned toward me and said, 18 "she iss not available, dear!" 19 iss not, iss not. hell, 20 I knew that. 21 the light shined in and we sat there talking about 22 horses and waiting for her availability 23 and then the big fat aching one got up and walked out 24 and I followed and watched her mount her safe 25 mare 26 switch it---thapp!--- 27 and my little switch went 28 thapp! 29 thapp! 30 and I walked back inside. [Page 53] 31 it looked like snow, damn, it looked like snow, so early, 32 only some of the ladies wanted it 33 and the others didn't want it. you know the ladies. 34 I went over and threw a couple of logs in the fire 35 and the whole thing flupped up red and 36 warm and we all felt 37 better, ready and not ready. it was Santa Fe in 38 October and all the poor had left town except 39 me. [Page 54] Bukowski, Charles:man's best friend [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 I told the guy---he was watering his lawn--- 2 you ever squirt my dog 3 again and you'll have to deal with me. 4 he just kept on watering, looking straight ahead, 5 and he said, I ain't worried, you punks talk about 6 doing it but you never do it. 7 he was an old white-haired guy, kind of dumb. I could 8 feel the dullness radiating off him. 9 I yanked the hose from his hand, turned him around and 10 sank a hard right to his gut. 11 he dropped like a stone and just lay on his 12 back on the lawn, holding his stomach and breathing 13 hard. 14 he looked pitiful. 15 I picked up the hose and watered him down good, 16 soaked his clothes, then gave him a good dose 17 in the face and walked off. 18 I went down to the store and got a fifth of scotch 19 and a six-pack. 20 when I came back he was gone. 21 I went up to my apartment and told Marie that I 22 had taken care of the matter with the guy who 23 squirted our dog. 24 she asked me, what did you do, kill him? 25 and I told her, no, I just explained things to him. 26 and she wanted to know, what did I mean, I 27 explained things to him? 28 and I told her, never mind, where are some clean [Page 55] 29 glasses? 30 and then the dog came walking in. 31 Koko. 32 you gotta know I liked him 33 plenty. [Page 56] Bukowski, Charles:the sensitive, young poet [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 I never realized then what a good time I was 2 having 3 smoking cheap cigars, 4 in my shorts and undershirt. 5 proud of my barrel chest 6 and my biceps 7 and my youth, my legs, 8 "baby, look at my legs! ever seen legs like 9 that?" 10 prancing up and down in that hotel 11 room. 12 I was giving her a show and she just sat 13 there smoking 14 cigarettes. 15 she was nasty, a looker but a nasty 16 looker. 17 I knew that she would say something 18 vicious 19 but I would laugh at her. 20 she had seen me make a whole barfull 21 of men back down one 22 night. 23 each night was about the same, I'd put on 24 my show for her, 25 I'd tell her what a great brain I had. 26 "you're so fucking smart, what're you 27 doing living in a hole like this?" 28 "I'm just resting up, baby, I haven't 29 made my move yet ..." [Page 57] 30 "bullshit! you're an asshole!" 31 "what?" 32 "you're an asshole!" 33 "why, you wasted whore, I'll rip you in half!" 34 then we'd go at it, swearing loudly, throwing 35 things, breaking things, 36 the phone ringing from the desk downstairs, 37 the other roomers banging on the walls 38 and me laughing, loving it, 39 picking up the phone, "all right, all right, 40 I'll keep her quiet ..." 41 putting the phone down, looking at 42 her, "all right, baby, come on over here!" 43 "go to hell! you're disgusting!" 44 and I was, red-faced, cigarette 45 holes burnt in my undershirt, 46 4-day beard, yellow teeth, broken toenails, 47 grinning madly I'd move toward 48 her, glancing at the pull-down bed, I'd move 49 toward her saying, "hike your skirt up! 50 I want to see more leg!" 51 I was one bad dude. 52 she stayed 3 years then I moved on to the 53 next 54 one. 55 the first one never lived with another 56 man again. 57 I cured her of 58 that. [Page 58] Bukowski, Charles:hunger [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 I have been hungry many times 2 but the particular time that I 3 think of now 4 was in New York City, 5 the night was beginning 6 and I was standing before the 7 plate glass window of a 8 restaurant. 9 and in that window 10 was a roasted pig, 11 eyeless, 12 with an apple in its mouth. 13 poor damned pig. 14 poor damned me. 15 beyond the pig 16 inside there 17 were people 18 sitting at tables 19 talking, eating, drinking. 20 I was not one of those people. 21 I felt a kinship with the pig. 22 we had been caught in the wrong 23 place 24 at the wrong 25 time. 26 I imagined myself in the window, 27 eyeless, roasted, the apple in my 28 mouth. 29 that would bring a crowd. 30 "hey, not much rump on him!" 31 "his arms are too thin!" 32 "I can see his ribs!" [Page 59] 33 I walked away from the window. 34 I walked to my room. 35 I still had a room. 36 as I walked to my room 37 I began to conjecture: 38 could I eat some paper? 39 some newspaper? 40 roaches? 41 maybe I could catch a rat? 42 a raw rat. 43 peel off the fur, 44 remove the intestines. 45 remove the eyes. 46 forego the head, the tail. 47 no, I'd die of 48 some horrible rat disease! 49 I walked along. 50 I was so hungry that everything 51 looked eatable: 52 people, fireplugs, asphalt, 53 wristwatches ... 54 my belt, my shirt. 55 I entered the building and 56 walked up the stairway to my 57 room. 58 I sat in a chair. 59 I didn't turn on the light. 60 I sat there and wondered if I 61 was crazy 62 because I wasn't doing anything 63 to help myself. [Page 60] 64 the hunger stopped then 65 and I just sat there. 66 then I heard it: 67 two people in the next room, 68 copulating. 69 I could hear the bedsprings 70 and the moans. 71 I got up, walked out of the 72 room and back into the 73 street. 74 but I walked in a different 75 direction this time, 76 I walked away from the pig 77 in the window. 78 but I thought about the pig 79 and I decided that I'd die first 80 rather than eat that 81 pig. 82 it began to rain. 83 I looked up. 84 I opened my mouth and let in the rain 85 drops ... soup from the sky ... 86 "hey, look at that guy!" 87 I heard someone say. 88 stupid sons-of-bitches, I thought, 89 stupid sons-of- 90 bitches! 91 I closed my mouth and kept 92 walking. [Page 61] Bukowski, Charles:the first one [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 after she died 2 I met her son in her room 3 a very small room without sink or toilet 4 in a flophouse at Beverly and Vermont. 5 he was thinking what kind of boyfriend are you 6 to let her die in a place like this? 7 and I was thinking, what kind of a son are you? 8 he asked me, do you want any of her things? 9 no, I said. 10 well, he said, we'll give them to Goodwill. 11 he left. 12 there was a large bloodstain on the bottom 13 sheet. 14 the owner of the hotel walked in. she said, 15 I'll have to change that sheet before I can rent this 16 room to 17 somebody else. 18 o.k., I said. 19 I left. 20 I walked down to the florist 21 and ordered a heart-shaped arrangement, large, 22 for the funeral. 23 just say on the card, I told the lady, 24 from your lover. no name. [Page 62] 25 no name? 26 no name. 27 cash or credit card? 28 cash. 29 I paid and walked out on the 30 boulevard and 31 never looked 32 back. [Page 63] Bukowski, Charles:the night I saw George Raft in Vegas [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 I bet on #6, I try red, I stare at the women's legs and breasts, 2 I wonder what Chekov would do, and over in the corner three 3 men with 4 blue plates sit eating the carnage of my youth, they have beards 5 and look very much like Russians and I pat an imaginary pistol 6 over 7 my left tit and try to smile like George Raft sizing up a French 8 tart. I play 9 the field, I pull out dollars like turnips from the good earth, the 10 lights 11 blaze and nobody says stop. 12 Hank, says my whore, for Christ's sake you're losing everything 13 except me, 14 and I say don't forget, baby, I'm a shipping clerk. what've I got 15 to lose 16 but a ball of string? 17 the gentlemen in the corner who look like Russians get up, knock 18 their plates and cups on the floor and wipe their mouths on the 19 tablecloth. 20 some belch (and one farts). they laugh evilly and leave without 21 anyone bother- 22 ing them. a ribbed and moiled cat comes out of somewhere, 23 begins licking the plates on the floor and then jumps up on the 24 table and walks around like his feet are wet. 25 I try black. the croupier's eyes dart like beetles. he makes futile 26 almost habitual movements to brush them away. 27 I switch back to red. I look around for George Raft and spill my 28 drink [Page 64] 29 against my chest. Hank, says my whore, let's get out of here! 30 well, at least, 31 I say, I ought to get a blow-job out of this. you needn't get filthy, 32 the whore 33 says. I say, baby, I was born filthy. I try #14. 34 DEATH COMES SLOWLY LIKE ANTS TO A FALLEN FIG. 35 mirrors enclose us, I say to the croupier, ignoring the scenery of 36 our despair. 37 I slap away a filthy thing that runs across my mouth. the cat 38 leaps and snatches it up as it spins upon its back kicking its 39 thousand legs. 40 then George Raft walks in. hello kid, he says, back again? I place 41 my last few coins on the chest of a dead elephant. 42 the lightning flares, they are stabbing grapefruit in the backroom, 43 some- 44 body drops a glove and the place, the whole place, goes up in 45 smoke. 46 we walk back to the car and fall asleep. [Page 65] Bukowski, Charles:no title [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 all theories 2 like clichés 3 shot to hell, 4 all these small faces 5 looking up 6 beautiful and believing; 7 I wish to weep 8 but sorrow is 9 stupid. 10 I wish to believe 11 but belief is a 12 graveyard. 13 we have narrowed it down to 14 the butcherknife and the 15 mockingbird. 16 wish us 17 luck. [Page 66] Bukowski, Charles:too many blacks [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 my first wife was from Texas and we came back 2 to L.A. to live 3 she came from oil money and I came from 4 someplace else. 5 our 2nd day in town 6 we drove down Vermont Avenue 7 to get her some art supplies 8 and as I was tooling my eleven-year-old 9 Plymouth south 10 a black man rolled past in a nine-year-old 11 green Dodge: 12 "hey, baby," he hollered out the window, 13 "what's happening?" 14 "nothing much happenin'," I hollered 15 back, "I'm just trying to make 16 it!" 17 as we stopped for a signal at 18 Beverly Blvd. 19 a black man on the corner saw me 20 he was standing in a broad-brimmed 21 Stetson pulled down in front 22 and wearing white leather boots 23 and lots of gold: 24 "Hank, baby, where'd you find the 25 blonde gash?" 26 "she's my mark, man," I replied, 27 "you know how it is." 28 I put it into low and pulled 29 away. 30 "listen," my first wife said 31 nasally, [Page 67] 32 "how come you know all these black 33 guys?" 34 "it's easy, baby, I've worked with them 35 on all the gigs. like it's 36 natural." 37 she didn't answer and when we got 38 to the art store 39 she was very upset 40 about the brushes 41 the quality of the paper 42 the paints weren't what she 43 wanted 44 and the total selection was 45 unsatisfactory. 46 she was very unhappy 47 about everything. 48 I stood there and watched her 49 beautiful ass and her very long 50 blonde hair 51 then I walked over to the picture frame 52 section 53 picked up an 8-and-one-half by 54 eleven 55 stared through the space of 56 it 57 and let her 58 work it 59 out. [Page 68] Bukowski, Charles:white dog [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 I went for a walk on Hollywood Boulevard. 2 I looked down and there was a large white dog 3 walking beside me. 4 his pace was exactly the same as mine. 5 we stopped at traffic signals together. 6 we crossed the side streets together. 7 a woman smiled at us. 8 he must have walked 8 blocks with me. 9 then I went into a grocery store and 10 when I came out he was gone. 11 or she was gone. 12 the wonderful white dog 13 with a trace of yellow in its fur. 14 the large blue eyes were gone. 15 the grinning mouth was gone. 16 the lolling tongue was gone. 17 things are so easily lost. 18 things just can't be kept forever. 19 I got the blues. 20 I got the blues. 21 that dog loved and 22 trusted me and 23 I let it walk away. [Page 69] Bukowski, Charles:blue beads and bones [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 as the orchid dies 2 and the grass goes 3 insane, let's have one for the lost: 4 I met an old man 5 and a tired whore 6 in a bar 7 at 8:00 in the morning 8 across from MacArthur Park--- 9 we were sitting over our beers 10 he and I and the old whore 11 who had slept in an unlocked car 12 the night before 13 and wore a blue necklace. 14 the old guy said to me: 15 "look at my arms. I'm all bone. 16 no meat on me." 17 and he pulled back his sleeves 18 and he was right--- 19 bone with just a layer of skin 20 hanging like paper. 21 he said, "I don't eat 22 nothin'." 23 I bought him a beer and the 24 whore a beer. 25 now there, I thought, is a man 26 who doesn't eat 27 meat, he doesn't eat 28 vegetables. kind of a saint. 29 it was like a church in there 30 as only the truly lost 31 sit in bars on Tuesday mornings [Page 70] 32 at 8:00 a.m. 33 then the whore said, "Jesus, 34 if I don't score tonight I'm 35 finished. I'm scared, I'm really 36 scared. you guys can go to skid row 37 when things get bad. but where can a 38 woman go?" 39 we couldn't answer her. 40 she picked up her beer with one hand 41 and played with her blue beads with the 42 other. 43 I finished my beer, went to the 44 corner and got a Racing Form from Teddy the 45 newsboy---age 61. 46 "you got a hot one today?" 47 "no, Teddy, I gotta see the board; money 48 makes them run." 49 "I'll give you 4 bucks. bet one for 50 me." 51 I took his 4 bucks. that would buy a sandwich, 52 pay parking, plus 2 53 coffees. I got into my car, drove 54 off. too early for the 55 track. blue beads and bones. the 56 universe was 57 bent. a cop rode his bike right up 58 behind me. the day had really 59 begun. [Page 71] Bukowski, Charles:ax and blade [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 arriving to applause 2 through Spanish doorways 3 hardly ever 4 works. eating an apple 5 sometimes 6 works. 7 the ax misses by a hair's breadth 8 and breaks the chimney of a 9 lady's house. 10 then it swings back, 11 cleaves you 12 again, there it is, 13 yes, there it 14 is 15 again. 16 how to break clear? 17 a .44 magnum? 18 a can of ale? 19 the museum of pain 20 doesn't charge admission, 21 it's free as skunkshit. 22 from the brothels of Paris 23 to the hardware stores of Pasadena 24 from balloons 25 to diamond mines, 26 from screaming to singing 27 from blood to paint 28 from paint to miracle 29 from miracle to damnation. [Page 72] 30 the people walk and talk 31 cut to pieces 32 pieces of people sliced like 33 pie 34 knifed and forked and 35 gulped 36 away. 37 I sit in a small room 38 listening to classical piano on the radio. 39 each note bites, 40 nips; you fall into the mirror, 41 come through the other 42 side 43 staring at a lightbulb. 44 God sits in Munich 45 drinking green beer. we've got to find 46 Him and ask Him 47 why. [Page 73] Bukowski, Charles:some notes on Bach and Haydn [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 it is quite something to turn your radio on 2 low 3 at 4:30 in the morning 4 in an apartment house 5 and hear Haydn 6 while through the blinds 7 you can see only the black night 8 as beautiful and quiet 9 as a flower. 10 and with that 11 something to drink, 12 of course, 13 a cigarette, 14 and the heater going, 15 and Haydn going. 16 maybe just 35 people 17 in a city of millions listening 18 as you are listening now, 19 looking at the walls, 20 smoking quietly, 21 not hating anything, 22 not wanting anything. 23 existing like mercury 24 you listen to a dead man's music 25 at 4:30 in the morning, 26 only he is not really dead 27 as the smoke from your cigarette curls up, 28 is not really dead, 29 and all is magic, 30 this good sound 31 in Los Angeles. 32 but now a siren takes the air, [Page 74] 33 some trouble, murder, robbery, death ... 34 but Haydn goes on 35 and you listen, 36 one of the finest mornings of your life 37 like some of those when you were very young 38 with stupid lunch pail 39 and sleepy eyes 40 riding the early bus to the railroad yards 41 to scrub the windows and sides of trains 42 with a brush and oakite 43 but knowing 44 all the while 45 you would take the longest gamble, 46 and now having taken it, 47 still alive, 48 poor but strong, 49 knowing Haydn at 4:30 a.m., 50 the only way to know him, 51 the blinds down 52 and the black night 53 the cigarette 54 and in my hands this pen 55 writing in a notebook 56 (my typewriter at this hour would 57 scream like a raped bear) 58 and 59 now 60 somehow 61 knowing the way 62 warmly and gently 63 finally 64 as Haydn ends. 65 and then a voice tells me 66 where I can get bacon and eggs, 67 orange juice, toast, coffee 68 this very morning 69 for a pleasant price [Page 75] 70 and I like this man 71 for telling me this 72 after Haydn 73 and I want to get dressed 74 and go out and find the waitress 75 and eat bacon and eggs 76 and lift the coffee cup to my mouth, 77 but I am distracted: 78 the voice tells me that Bach 79 will be next: "Brandenburg Concerto No. 2 80 in F major," 81 so I go into the kitchen for a 82 new can of beer. 83 may this night never see morning 84 as finally one night will not, 85 but I do suppose morning will come this day 86 asking its hard way--- 87 the cars jammed on freeways, 88 faces as horrible as unflushed excreta, 89 trapped lives less than beautiful love, 90 and I walk out 91 knowing the way 92 cold beer can in hand 93 as Bach begins 94 and 95 this good night 96 is still everywhere. [Page 76] Bukowski, Charles:born to lose [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 I was sitting in my cell 2 and all the guys were tattooed 3 BORN TO LOSE 4 BORN TO DIE 5 all of them were able to roll a cigarette 6 with one hand 7 if I mentioned Wallace Stevens or 8 even Pablo Neruda to them 9 they'd think me crazy. 10 I named my cellmates in my mind: 11 that one was Kafka 12 that one was Dostoevsky 13 that one was Blake 14 that one was Céline 15 and that one was 16 Mickey Spillane. 17 I didn't like Mickey Spillane. 18 sure enough that night at lights out 19 Mickey and I had a fight over who got the 20 top bunk 21 the way it ended neither of us got the top bunk 22 we both got the hole. 23 after I got out of solitary I made 24 an appointment with the warden. 25 I told him I was a writer [Page 77] 26 a sensitive and gifted soul 27 and that I wanted to work in the library. 28 he gave me two more days in the hole. 29 when I got out I worked in the shoe factory. 30 I worked with Van Gogh, Schopenhauer, Dante, 31 Robert Frost 32 and Karl Marx. 33 they put Spillane in license plates. [Page 78] Bukowski, Charles:Phillipe's 1950 [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 Phillipe's is an old time 2 cafe off Alameda street 3 just a little north and east of 4 the main post office. 5 Phillipe's opens at 5 a.m. 6 and serves a cup of coffee 7 with cream and sugar 8 for a nickel. 9 in the early mornings 10 the bums come down off Bunker Hill, 11 as they say, 12 "with our butts wrapped 13 around our ears." 14 Los Angeles nights have a way 15 of getting very 16 cold. 17 "Phillipe's," they say, 18 "is the only place that doesn't 19 hassle us." 20 the waitresses are old 21 and most of the bums are 22 too. 23 come down there some 24 early morning. 25 for a nickel 26 you can see the most beautiful faces 27 in town. [Page 79] Bukowski, Charles:in the lobby [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 I saw him sitting in a lobby chair 2 in the Patrick Hotel 3 dreaming of flying fish 4 and he said "hello friend 5 you're looking good. 6 me, I'm not so well, 7 they've plucked out my hair 8 taken my bowels 9 and the color in my eyes 10 has gone back into the sea." 11 I sat down and listened 12 to him breathe 13 his last. 14 a bit later the clerk came over 15 with his green eyeshade on 16 and then the clerk saw what I knew 17 but neither of us knew 18 what the old man knew. 19 the clerk stood there 20 almost surprised, 21 taken, 22 wondering where the old man had gone. 23 he began to shake like an ape 24 who'd had a banana taken from his hand. 25 and then there was a crowd 26 and the crowd looked at the old man 27 as if he were a freak [Page 80] 28 as if there was something wrong with him. 29 I got up and walked out of the lobby 30 I went outside on the sidewalk 31 and I walked along with the rest of them 32 bellies, feet, hair, eyes 33 everything moving and going 34 getting ready to go back to the beginning 35 or light a cigar. 36 and then somebody stepped on 37 the back of my heel 38 and I was angry enough to swear. [Page 81] Bukowski, Charles:he knows us all [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 hell crawls through the window 2 without a sound 3 enters my room 4 takes off his hat 5 and sits down on the couch across from me. 6 I laugh. 7 then my lamp drops off the table, 8 I catch it just before it hits the 9 floor, and in doing so, 10 I spill my 11 beer. "oh shit!" I say; 12 when I look up again 13 the son-of-a-bitch 14 is gone--- 15 off looking for you, 16 my friend? [Page 82] Bukowski, Charles:victory! [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 we struck in the middle of a 2 simple dawn 3 all their ships were in the harbor 4 and we torched them and created a giant 5 sunrise 6 we turned our cannon on the cathedral 7 cut the legs off the cavalry 8 found the army hung-over in the barracks 9 pig-stabbed them out of the dream 10 and the women had no chance 11 especially the young ones 12 we bared them neatly 13 screaming 14 we violated them in every way 15 beat the soul out of them 16 killed some 17 cut the nipples off others 18 then we ate all the meat and drank all 19 the booze in town. 20 war was good so long 21 as 22 you won. 23 when we marched out 24 singing 25 there was nothing left 26 back there 27 but fire and smoke 28 and death 29 and marching over the hill 30 at sunrise [Page 83] 31 the flowers rewarded us 32 with their 33 beauty. [Page 84] Bukowski, Charles:more argument [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 Rilke, she said, don't you love 2 Rilke? 3 no, I said, he bores me, 4 poets bore me, they are shits, snails, snippets of 5 dust in a cheap wind. 6 Lorca, she said, how about Lorca? 7 Lorca was good when he was good. he knew how to 8 sing, but the only reason you like him 9 is because he was murdered. 10 Shelley, then, she said, how about Shelley? 11 didn't he drown in a rowboat? 12 then how about the lovers? I forget their names ... 13 the two Frenchmen, one killed the 14 other ... 15 o great, I said, now tell me about 16 Oscar Wilde. 17 a great man, she said. 18 he was clever, I said, but you believe in all these things 19 for the wrong reason. 20 Van Gogh, then, she said. 21 there you go, I said, there you go again. [Page 85] 22 what do you mean? 23 I mean that what the other painters of the time said was true: 24 he was an average painter. 25 how do you know? 26 I know because I paid $10 to go in and see some of his 27 paintings. I saw that he was interesting, 28 honorable, but not great. 29 how can you say, she asked, all these things about all these 30 people? 31 you mean, why don't I agree with you? 32 for a man who is almost starving to death, you talk like some 33 god-damned sage! 34 but, I said, haven't all your heroes starved? 35 but this is different; you dislike everything that I like. 36 no, I said, I just don't like the way you 37 like them. 38 I'm leaving, she said. 39 I could have lied to you, I said, like most 40 do. 41 you mean men lie to me? 42 yes, to get at what you think is holy. 43 you mean, it's not holy? [Page 86] 44 I don't know, but I won't lie 45 to make it work. 46 be damned with you then, she said. 47 good night, I said. 48 she really slammed that door. 49 I got up and turned on the radio. 50 there was some pianist playing that same work by 51 Grieg. nothing changed. nothing 52 ever changed. 53 nothing. [Page 87] Bukowski, Charles:wind the clock [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 it's just a slow day moving into a slow night. 2 it doesn't matter what you do 3 everything just stays the same. 4 the cats sleep it off, the dogs don't 5 bark, 6 it's just a slow day moving into a slow night. 7 there's nothing even dying, 8 it's just more waiting through a slow day moving 9 into a slow night. 10 you don't even hear the water running, 11 the walls just stand there 12 and the doors don't open. 13 it's just a slow day moving into a slow night. 14 the rain has stopped, 15 you can't hear a siren anywhere, 16 your wristwatch has a dead battery, 17 the cigarette lighter is out of fluid, 18 it's just a slow day moving into a slow night, 19 it's just more waiting through a slow day moving 20 into a slow night 21 like tomorrow's never going to come 22 and when it does 23 it'll be the same damn thing. [Page 88] Bukowski, Charles:what? [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 sleepy now 2 at 4 a.m. 3 I hear the siren 4 of a white 5 ambulance, 6 then a dog 7 barks 8 once 9 in this tough-boy 10 Christmas 11 morning. [Page 89] Bukowski, Charles:she comes from somewhere [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 probably from the bellybutton or from the shoe under the 2 bed, or maybe from the mouth of the shark or from 3 the car crash on the avenue that leaves blood and memories 4 scattered on the grass. 5 she comes from love gone wrong under an 6 asphalt moon. 7 she comes from screams stuffed with cotton. 8 she comes from hands without arms 9 and arms without bodies 10 and bodies without hearts. 11 she comes out of cannons and shotguns and old victrolas. 12 she comes from parasites with blue eyes and soft voices. 13 she comes out from under the organ like a roach. 14 she keeps coming. 15 she's inside of sardine cans and letters. 16 she's under your fingernails pressing blue and flat. 17 she's the signpost on the barricade 18 smeared in brown. 19 she's the toy soldiers inside your head 20 poking their lead bayonets. 21 she's the first kiss and the last kiss and 22 the dog's guts spilling like a river. 23 she comes from somewhere and she never stops 24 coming. 25 me, and that 26 old woman: 27 sorrow. [Page 90] Bukowski, Charles:lifedance [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 the area dividing the brain and the soul 2 is affected in many ways by 3 experience--- 4 some lose all mind and become soul: 5 insane. 6 some lose all soul and become mind: 7 intellectual. 8 some lose both and become: 9 accepted. [Page 91] Bukowski, Charles:the bells [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 soon after Kennedy was shot 2 I heard this ringing of bells 3 an electrically charged ringing of bells 4 and I thought, it can't be the church 5 on the corner 6 too many people there 7 hated Kennedy. 8 I liked him 9 and walked to the window 10 thinking, well, maybe everybody is tired of 11 cowardly gunmen, 12 maybe the Russian Orthodox Church 13 up the street 14 is saying this 15 with their bells? 16 but the sound got nearer and nearer 17 and approached very slowly, 18 and I thought, what is it? 19 it was coming right up to my window 20 and then I saw it: 21 a small square vehicle 22 powered by a tiny motor 23 coming 2 m.p.h. 24 up the street: 25 KNIVES SHARPENED 26 was scrawled in red crayon 27 on the plywood sides 28 and inside sat an old man 29 looking straight ahead. 30 the ladies did not come out with their knives [Page 92] 31 the ladies were liberated and sharpened their own 32 knives. 33 the plywood box 34 crept down the lonely street 35 and with much seeming agony 36 managed to turn right at Normandie Blvd. 37 and vanish. 38 my own knives were dull 39 and I was not liberated 40 and there certainly would be more 41 cowardly gunmen. 42 much later I thought 43 I could still hear the 44 bells. [Page 93] Bukowski, Charles:full moon [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 red flower of love 2 cut at the stem 3 passion has its own 4 way 5 and hatred too. 6 the curtain blows open 7 and the sky is black 8 out there tonight. 9 across the way 10 a man and a woman 11 standing up against a darkened 12 wall, 13 the red moon 14 whirls, 15 a mouse runs along 16 the windowsill 17 changing colors. 18 I am alone in torn levis 19 and a white sweat shirt. 20 she's with her man now 21 in the shadow of that wall 22 and as he enters her 23 I draw upon my 24 cigarette. [Page 94] Bukowski, Charles:everywhere, everywhere [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 amazing, how grimly we hold onto our 2 misery, 3 ever defensive, thwarted by 4 the forces. 5 amazing, the energy we burn 6 fueling our anger. 7 amazing, how one moment we can be 8 snarling like a beast, then 9 a few moments later, 10 forgetting what or 11 why. 12 not hours of this or days or 13 months or years of this 14 but decades, 15 lifetimes 16 completely used up, 17 given over 18 to the pettiest 19 rancor and 20 hatred. 21 finally 22 there is nothing here for death to 23 take 24 away. [Page 95] Bukowski, Charles:about a trip to Spain [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 in New York in those days they had 2 a system at the track 3 where you bought a ticket 4 and tried to pick 5 winners in a row 5 and Harry took $1000 6 and went up to the window and said, 7 "1, 8, 3, 7, 5." 8 and that's the way they came in 9 and so he took his wife to Spain 10 with all that money 11 and his wife fell for the mayor of this little 12 village in Spain and fucked him 13 and the marriage was over 14 and Harry came back to Brooklyn broke 15 and mutilated 16 and he has been a little crazy ever 17 since, but 18 Harry, don't despair 19 for you are a genius 20 for who else had enough pure faith 21 and enough courage 22 to go up to the window 23 and against all the gods of logic 24 say to the man at the window: 25 "1, 8, 3, 7, 5"? 26 you did it. 27 yes, she got the mayor 28 but you're the real winner 29 forever. [Page 96] Bukowski, Charles:Van Gogh [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 vain vanilla ladies strutting 2 while Van Gogh did it to 3 himself. 4 girls pulling on silk 5 hose 6 while Van Gogh did it to 7 himself 8 in the field 9 unkissed, and 10 worse. 11 I pass him on the street: 12 "how's it going, Van?" 13 "I dunno, man," he says 14 and walks on. 15 there is a blast of color: 16 one more creature 17 dizzy with love. 18 he said, 19 then, 20 I want to leave. 21 and they look at his paintings 22 and love him 23 now. 24 for that kind of love [Page 97] 25 he did the right 26 thing 27 as for the other kind of love 28 it never arrived. [Page 98] Bukowski, Charles:Vallejo [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 it is hard to find a man 2 whose poems do not 3 finally disappoint you. 4 Vallejo has never disappointed 5 me in that way. 6 some say he finally starved to 7 death. 8 however 9 his poems about the terror of being 10 alone 11 are somehow gentle and 12 do not 13 scream. 14 we are all tired of most 15 art. 16 Vallejo writes as a man 17 and not as an 18 artist. 19 he is beyond 20 our understanding. 21 I like to think of Vallejo still 22 alive 23 and walking across a 24 room, I find 25 the sound of Cesar Vallejo's 26 steadfast tread 27 imponderable. [Page 99] Bukowski, Charles:when the violets roar at the sun [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 they've got us in the cage 2 ruined of grace and senses 3 and the heart roars like a lion 4 at what they've done to us. [Page 100] Bukowski, Charles:the professionals [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 constipated writers 2 squatting over their machines 3 on hot nights 4 while their wives talk on the 5 telephone. 6 while the TV plays 7 in the background 8 they squat over their machines 9 they light cigarettes 10 and hope for fame 11 and 12 beautiful young girls 13 or at least 14 something to write 15 about. 16 "yeah, Barney, he's still at the typer. 17 I can't disturb him. 18 he's working on a series of short novels for 19 Pinnacle magazine. his central character is some 20 guy he calls 'Bugblast.' I got a sunburn 21 today. I was reading a magazine in the yard 22 and I forgot how long I was out there ..." 23 endless hot summer nights. 24 the blades of the fan tap and rattle 25 against the wire cage. 26 the air doesn't move. 27 it's hard to breathe. 28 the people out there expect miracles 29 continual miracles with 30 words. [Page 101] 31 the world is full of 32 constipated writers. 33 and eager readers who need plenty of new 34 shit. 35 it's depressing. [Page 102] Bukowski, Charles:the 8 count concerto [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 the lid to the great jar 2 opens 3 and out tumbles a 4 Christ child. 5 I throw it to my cat 6 who bats it about in the 7 air 8 but he soon tires of 9 the lack of 10 response. 11 it is near the end of 12 February in a 13 so far 14 banal year. 15 not a damn good war 16 in sight anywhere. 17 I light an Italian cigar, 18 it's slim, tastes bitter. 19 I inhale the space between 20 continents, 21 stretch my legs. 22 it's moments like 23 this---you can feel it 24 happening---that you grow 25 transformed 26 partly into something 27 else strange and 28 unnameable--- 29 so when death comes 30 it can only take 31 part of 32 you. [Page 103] 33 I exhale a perfect 34 smoke ring 35 as a soprano sings to me 36 through the radio. 37 each night counts for something 38 or else we'd all 39 go mad. [Page 104] Bukowski, Charles:an afternoon in February [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 many of the paperboys here in L.A. 2 are starting to grow 3 beards. 4 this makes them look suspiciously like bad 5 poets. 6 a paper container in front of me 7 says: 8 Martin Van Buren was the 8th president 9 of the U.S. from 1837 to 1841, 10 as I spill coffee on my new 11 dictionary. 12 the phone rings. 13 it is a woman who wants to talk to me. 14 can't they forget me? 15 am I that good? 16 the lady downstairs borrows a vacuum cleaner 17 from the manager and cackles her thanks. 18 her thanks drift up to me here 19 and disappear as two pigeons arrive 20 and sit on the roof in the 21 wind. vacuum is spelled very strangely, 22 I think, as I watch the 2 pigeons on the roof. 23 they sit motionless in the wind, just a few small 24 feathers on their bodies 25 lifting and falling. 26 the phone rings again. 27 "I have just about gotten over it, 28 I have just about gotten over [Page 105] 29 you." 30 "thank you," I say and 31 hang up. 32 it is 2 in the afternoon 33 I have finished my coffee and had a smoke 34 and now the coffee water is boiling 35 again. there is an original painting by 36 Eric Heckel 37 on my north wall 38 but there is neither joy nor sorrow here now 39 only the paperboys 40 trying to grow beards 41 the pigeons in the wind 42 and the faint sound of the vacuum cleaner. [Page 106] Bukowski, Charles:crickets [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 sound of doom like an approaching 2 cyclone 3 the woman across the way 4 keeps scolding and 5 screaming 6 she's screaming at her child 7 now she's clearing her 8 throat 9 I lean forward 10 to get a book of matches to 11 light my 12 cigarette 13 then she screams again 14 she's beating her child 15 the child screams 16 then it's quiet 17 all I can hear are the 18 crickets 19 droning 20 planet earth: where 21 Christ came 22 and [Page 107] 23 never experienced 24 sex with a 25 woman or a 26 man. [Page 108] Bukowski, Charles:the angel who pushed his wheelchair [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 long ago he edited a little magazine 2 it was up in San Francisco 3 during the beat era 4 during the reading-poetry-with-jazz experiments 5 and I remember him because he never returned my manuscripts 6 even though I wrote him many letters, 7 humble letters, sane letters, and, at last, violent letters; 8 I'm told he jumped off a roof 9 because a woman wouldn't love him. 10 no matter. when I saw him again 11 he was in a wheelchair and carried a wine bottle to piss in; 12 he wrote very delicate poetry 13 that I, naturally, couldn't understand; 14 he autographed his book for me 15 (which he said I wouldn't like) 16 and once at a party I threatened to punch him and 17 I was drunk and he wept and 18 I took pity and instead hit the next poet who walked by 19 on the head with his piss bottle; so, 20 we had an understanding after all. 21 he had this very thin and intense woman 22 pushing him about, she was his arms and legs and 23 maybe for a while 24 his heart. 25 it was almost commonplace 26 at poetry readings where he was scheduled to read 27 to see her swiftly rolling him in, 28 sometimes stopping by me, saying, 29 "I don't see how we are going to get him up on the stage!" 30 sometimes she did. often she did. [Page 109] 31 then she began writing poetry, I didn't see much of it, 32 but, somehow, I was glad for her. 33 then she injured her neck while doing her yoga 34 and she went on disability, and again I was glad for her, 35 all the poets wanted to get disability insurance 36 it was better than immortality. 37 I met her in the market one day 38 in the bread section, and she held my hands and 39 trembled all over 40 and I wondered if they ever had sex 41 those two. well, they had the muse anyhow 42 and she told me she was writing poetry and articles 43 but really more poetry, she was really writing a lot, 44 and that's the last I saw of her 45 until one night somebody told me she'd o.d.'d 46 and I said, no, not her 47 and they said, yes, her. 48 it was a day or so later 49 sometime in the afternoon 50 I had to go to the Los Feliz post office 51 to mail some dirty stories to a sex mag. 52 coming back 53 outside a church 54 I saw these smiling creatures 55 so many of them smiling 56 the men with beards and long hair and wearing 57 bluejeans 58 and most of the women blonde 59 with sunken cheeks and tiny grins, 60 and I thought, ah, a wedding, 61 a nice old-fashioned wedding, 62 and then I saw him on the sidewalk 63 in his wheelchair 64 tragic yet somehow calm 65 looking greyer, a profile like a tamed hawk, [Page 110] 66 and I knew it was her funeral, 67 she had really o.d.'d 68 and he did look tragic out there. 69 I do have feelings, you know. 70 maybe tonight I'll try to read his book. [Page 111] Bukowski, Charles:the circus of death [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 it's there 2 from the beginning, to the middle, to the 3 end, 4 there from light to darkness, 5 there through the wasted 6 days and nights, through 7 the wasted years, 8 the continuance 9 of moving toward death. 10 sitting with death in your lap, 11 washing death out of your ears 12 and from between your toes, 13 talking to death, living with death while 14 living through the stained walls and the flat 15 tires 16 and the changing of the guard. 17 living with death in your stockings. 18 opening the morning blinds to death, 19 the circus of death, 20 the dancing girls of death, 21 the yellow teeth of death, 22 the cobra of death, 23 the deserts of death. 24 death like a tennis ball in the mouth of 25 a dog. 26 death while eating a candlelight dinner. 27 the roses of death. 28 death like a moth. 29 death like an empty shoe. 30 death the dentist. 31 through darkness and light and [Page 112] 32 laughter, 33 through the painting of a 34 masterpiece, 35 through the applause for the bowing 36 actors, 37 while taking 38 a walk through Paris, 39 by the broken-winged 40 bluebird, 41 while 42 glory 43 runs through your fingers as 44 you 45 pick up an orange. 46 through the bottom of the sky 47 divided into sections like a 48 watermelon 49 it 50 bellows 51 silently, 52 consumes names and nations, 53 squirrels, fleas, hogs, 54 dandelions, 55 grandmothers, babies, 56 statues, 57 philosophies, 58 groundhogs, 59 the bullfighter, the bull and 60 all those killers in the 61 stadium. 62 it's Plato and the murderer of a 63 child. 64 the eyes in your head. 65 your fingernails. [Page 113] 66 it's amazing, amazing, amazing. 67 we're clearly at the edge. 68 it's thunder in a snail's shell. 69 it's the red mark on the black widow. 70 it's the mirror without a reflection. 71 it's the singular viewpoint. 72 it's in the fog over Corpus Christi. 73 it's in the eye of the hen. 74 it's on the back of the turtle. 75 it's moving at the sun 76 as you put your shoes on for the last 77 time 78 without 79 knowing 80 it. [Page 114] Bukowski, Charles:the man? [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 my daughter said this when she was 5: 2 HERE COMES THE MAN! 3 what? I said. what? 4 I looked all around. 5 HERE COMES THE MAN! 6 O, HERE COMES THE MAN! 7 I went to the window and 8 looked out. I checked the latch 9 on the door. 10 she came out of the kitchen 11 with a spoon and a piepan: 12 clang, clang, clang! 13 HERE COMES THE MAN! 14 HERE COMES THE MAN! 15 O, LOOK, SEE THE MAN! 16 SEE THE MAN NOW! 17 HERE COMES THE MAN! 18 she means something else, 19 I thought, and I clapped my hands in 20 rhythm and we both 21 marched around and 22 sang and 23 laughed. me 24 loudest. [Page 115] Bukowski, Charles:Christmas poem to a man in jail [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 hello Bill Abbott: 2 I appreciate your passing around my books in 3 jail there, my poems and stories. 4 if I can lighten the load for some of those guys with 5 my books, fine. 6 but literature, you know, is difficult for the 7 average man to assimilate (and for the unaverage man too); 8 I don't like most poetry, for example, 9 so I write mine the way I like to read it. 10 poetry does seem to be getting better, more 11 human, 12 the clearing up of the language has something to 13 do with it. (w. c. williams came along and asked 14 everybody to clear up the language) 15 then 16 I came along. 17 but writing's one thing, life's 18 another, we 19 seem to have improved the writing a bit 20 but life (ours and theirs) 21 doesn't seem to be improving very 22 much. 23 maybe if we write well enough 24 and live a little better 25 life will improve a bit 26 just out of shame. 27 maybe the artists haven't been powerful 28 enough, 29 maybe the politicians, the generals, the judges, the 30 priests, the police, the pimps, the businessmen have been too 31 strong? I don't [Page 116] 32 like that thought 33 but when I look at our pale and precious artists, 34 past and present, it does seem 35 possible. 36 (people don't like it when I talk this way. 37 Chinaski, get off it, they say, 38 you're not that great. 39 but 40 hell, I'm not talking about being 41 great.) 42 what I'm saying is 43 that art hasn't improved life like it 44 should, maybe because it has been too 45 private? and despite the fact that the old poets 46 and the new poets and myself 47 all seem to have had the same or similar troubles 48 with: 49 women 50 government 51 God 52 love 53 hate 54 penury 55 slavery 56 insomnia 57 transportation 58 weather 59 wives, and so 60 forth. 61 you write me now 62 that the man in the cell next to yours 63 didn't like my punctuation 64 the placement of my commas (especially) 65 and also the way I digress 66 in order to say something precisely. 67 ah, he doesn't realize the intent [Page 117] 68 which is 69 to loosen up, humanize, relax, 70 and still make as real as possible 71 the word on the page. the word should be like 72 butter or avocados or 73 steak or hot biscuits, or onion rings or 74 whatever is really 75 needed. it should be almost 76 as if you could pick up the words and 77 eat them. 78 (there is some wise-ass somewhere 79 out there 80 who will say 81 if he ever reads this: 82 "Chinaski, if I want dinner I'll go out and 83 order it!") 84 however 85 an artist can wander and still maintain 86 essential form. Dostoevsky did it. he 87 usually told 3 or 4 stories on the side 88 while telling the one in the 89 center (in his novels, that is). 90 Bach taught us how to lay one melody down on 91 top of another and another melody on top of 92 that and 93 Mahler wandered more than anybody I know 94 and I find great meaning 95 in his so-called formlessness. 96 don't let the form-and-rule boys 97 like that guy in the cell next to you 98 put one over on you. just 99 hand him a copy of Time or Newsweek 100 and he'll be 101 happy. 102 but I'm not defending my work (to you or him) 103 I'm defending my right to do it in the way [Page 118] 104 that makes me feel best. 105 I always figure if a writer is bored with his work 106 the reader is going to be 107 bored too. 108 and I don't believe in 109 perfection, I believe in keeping the 110 bowels loose 111 so I've got to agree with my critics 112 when they say I write a lot of shit. 113 you're doing 19 and ½ years 114 I've been writing about 40. 115 we all go on with our things. 116 we all go on with our lives. 117 we all write badly at times 118 or live badly at times. 119 we all have bad days 120 and nights. 121 I ought to send that guy in the cell next to yours 122 The Collected Works of Robert Browning for Christmas, 123 that'd give him the form he's looking for 124 but I need the money for the track, 125 Santa Anita is opening on the 126 26th, so give him a copy of Newsweek 127 (the dead have no future, no past, no present, 128 they just worry about commas) 129 and have I placed the commas here 130 properly, 131 Abbott? 132 , 133 , , , 134 , , , , , 135 , , , , , , , 136 , , , , , , , , , 137 , , , , , , , , , , , 138 , , , 139 , , , [Page 119] Bukowski, Charles:snake eyes? [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 it was not a good day. 2 there was a jagged wretchedness inhabiting 3 my part of the world 4 and now I sit at this machine 5 tonight 6 hoping for some luck and some 7 light 8 but they refuse to 9 fire, things refuse to 10 fire. 11 Wagner on the radio is 12 grand 13 but whatever was born in me 14 today 15 has been stamped 16 out, tossed 17 away. 18 I don't ask for your 19 sympathy 20 during this 21 Twilight of the Gods, 22 I am just speaking to myself 23 and this is the medium through 24 which I speak. 25 still, if somebody reads 26 this 27 and your day and your 28 night 29 were 30 akin to mine, 31 then somehow we've touched, 32 strange brother or 33 sister, 34 and we both understand that death is [Page 120] 35 not the 36 tragedy. 37 you are alone and I am 38 alone 39 and it's best that we aren't 40 together 41 comparing our pitiful 42 sorrows. 43 only let me sit before this tired machine, 44 strange friend, 45 and write this 46 final 47 dull 48 line: 49 thank you for reading 50 this far. [Page 121] Bukowski, Charles:my friends down at the corner: [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 dirty little bugger 2 about 10 years old 3 he sits on a box near the newsboy 4 he has nothing to do 5 but sit on that box near the newsboy 6 and watch 7 and he watches me 8 as I buy a newspaper 9 and then he runs in after me 10 as I go into the liquor store 11 and he stands there watching as I pay for a 12 6-pack, 13 dirty little bugger. 14 I interest him; he sickens me. 15 we are natural enemies. 16 I leave him in there. 17 fuck that newsboy too, 18 at 55 he looks like a cantaloupe. 19 why is it such a problem to buy 20 a newspaper and a few 21 beers? [Page 122] Bukowski, Charles:smiling, shining, singing [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 my daughter looked like a young Katharine Hepburn 2 at the grammar school Christmas presentation. 3 she stood there with them 4 smiling, shining, singing 5 in the long dress I had bought for her. 6 she looks like Katharine Hepburn, I told her mother 7 who sat on my left. 8 she looks like Katharine Hepburn, I told my girlfriend 9 who sat on my right. 10 my daughter's grandmother was another seat away; 11 I didn't tell her anything. 12 I never did like Katharine Hepburn's acting, 13 but I liked the way she looked, 14 class, you know, 15 somebody you could talk to in bed for 16 an hour or two before going to 17 sleep. 18 I can see that my daughter is going to be a 19 beautiful woman. 20 someday when I am old 21 she'll probably bring the bedpan with a 22 kindly smile. 23 and she'll probably marry a truckdriver with a 24 heavy tread 25 who bowls every Thursday night 26 with the boys. 27 well, all that doesn't matter. 28 what matters is now. [Page 123] 29 her grandmother is a hawk of a woman. 30 her mother is a psychotic liberal and lover of life. 31 her father is an asshole. 32 my daughter looked like a young Katharine Hepburn. 33 after the Christmas presentation 34 we went to McDonald's and ate, and fed the sparrows. 35 Christmas was a week away. 36 we were less concerned about that than nine-tenths of the 37 town. 38 that's class, we both have class. 39 to ignore Christmas takes a special wisdom 40 but Happy New Year to 41 you all. [Page 124] Bukowski, Charles:Bruckner [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 listening to Bruckner now. 2 I relate very much to him. 3 he just misses 4 by so little. 5 I ache for his dead 6 guts. 7 if we all could only move it 8 up one notch 9 when necessary. 10 but we can't. 11 I remember my fight in the 12 rain 13 that Saturday night in the 14 alley with 15 Harry Tabor. 16 his eyes were rolling in 17 that great dumb 18 head, 19 one more punch 20 and he was mine--- 21 I missed. 22 or the beautiful woman 23 who visited me one 24 night, 25 who sat on my couch 26 and told me that she was 27 "yours, a gift ..." 28 but I poured whiskey, 29 pranced about 30 bragged about [Page 125] 31 myself 32 and finally 33 after returning from the 34 kitchen 35 I found her 36 gone. 37 so many near misses. 38 so many other near misses. 39 oh, Bruckner, I know! 40 I am listening to Bruckner 41 now and 42 I ache for his dead 43 guts 44 and for my living 45 soul. 46 we all need 47 something we can do well, 48 you know. 49 like scuba diving or 50 opening the morning 51 mail. [Page 126] Bukowski, Charles:this moment [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 it's a farce, the great actors, the great poets, the great 2 statesmen, the great painters, the great composers, the 3 great loves, 4 it's a farce, a farce, a farce, 5 history and the recording of it, 6 forget it, forget it. 7 you must begin all over again. 8 throw all that out. 9 all of them out 10 you are alone with now. 11 look at your fingernails. 12 touch your nose. 13 begin. 14 the day flings itself upon 15 you. [Page 127] Bukowski, Charles:one more good one [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 to be writing poetry at the age of 50 2 like a schoolboy, 3 surely, I must be crazy; 4 racetracks and booze and arguments 5 with the landlord; 6 watercolor paintings under the bed 7 with dirty socks; 8 a bathtub full of trash 9 and a garbage can lined with 10 underground newspapers; 11 a record player that doesn't work, 12 a radio that doesn't work, 13 and I don't work--- 14 I sit between 2 lamps, 15 bottle on the floor 16 begging a 20-year-old typewriter 17 to say something, in a way and 18 well enough 19 so they won't confuse me 20 with the more comfortable 21 practitioners; 22 this is certainly not a game for 23 flyweights or Ping-Pong players--- 24 all arguments to the contrary. 25 ---but once you get the taste, it's good to get your 26 teeth into 27 words. I forgive those who 28 can't quit. 29 I forgive myself. 30 this is where the action is, 31 this is the hot horse that [Page 128] 32 comes in. 33 there's no grander fort 34 no better flag 35 no better woman 36 no better way; yet there's much else to say--- 37 there seems as much hell in it as 38 magic; death gets as close as any lover has, 39 closer, 40 you know it like your right hand 41 like a mark on the wall 42 like your daughter's name, 43 you know it like the face on the corner 44 newsboy, 45 and you sit there with flowers and houses 46 with dogs and death and a boil on the neck, 47 you sit down and do it again and again 48 the machinegun chattering by the window 49 as the people walk by 50 as you sit in your undershirt, 51 50, on an indelicate March evening, 52 as their faces look in and help you write the next 5 53 lines, 54 as they walk by and say, 55 "the old man in the window, what's the deal with 56 him?" 57 ---fucked by the muse, friends, 58 thank you--- 59 and I roll a cigarette with one hand 60 like the old bum 61 I am, and then thank and curse the gods 62 alike, 63 lean forward 64 drag on the cigarette 65 think of the good fighters 66 like poor Hem, poor Beau Jack, poor Sugar Ray, 67 poor Kid Gavilan, poor Villon, poor Babe, poor 68 Hart Crane, poor [Page 129] 69 me, hahaha. 70 I lean forward, 71 redhot ash 72 falling on my wrists, 73 teeth into the word. 74 crazy at the age of 50, 75 I send it 76 home. [Page 131] 2 love iz a big fat tur- key and every day iz thanksgiving [Page 133] Bukowski, Charles:you do it while you're killing flies [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 Bach, I said, he had 20 children. 2 he played the horses during the day. 3 he fucked at night 4 and drank in the mornings. 5 he wrote music in between. 6 at least that's what I told her 7 when she asked me, 8 when do you do your 9 writing? Bukowski, Charles:the 12 hour night [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 I found myself in middle age 2 working a 12 hour night, 3 night after night, 4 year after year 5 and somehow there seemed to be 6 no way out. 7 I was drained, empty and so 8 were my co-workers. 9 we huddled together 10 under the whip, 11 under intolerable conditions, 12 and many of us were 13 fearful of being 14 fired 15 for there was nothing left 16 for us. 17 our bodies were worn, 18 our spirits whipped. 19 there was a sense 20 of unreality. 21 one becomes so tired one 22 becomes so dazed, 23 that there is confusion and 24 anguish mixed in with the 25 deadliness. 26 I think that, too, 27 kept some of us working there. 28 I wasted over a decade of [Page 135] 29 12 hour nights. 30 I can't explain why I 31 remained. 32 cowardice, probably. 33 then one night I stood up 34 and said, 35 "I'm finished, I'm leaving 36 this job now!" 37 "what? what? what?" 38 asked my comrades. 39 "do you know what the 40 hell you're doing?" 41 "where will you go?" 42 "come back!" 43 "you're crazy! what will 44 you do?" 45 I walked down the rows 46 of them, all those faces. 47 I walked down the aisle 48 past rows and rows of 49 them, 50 all the faces looking. 51 "he's crazy!" 52 then I was in the elevator 53 riding down. 54 first floor and out. 55 I walked into the street, 56 I walked along the street, [Page 136] 57 then I turned and looked 58 at the towering 59 building, four stories high, 60 I saw the lights in the 61 windows, 62 I felt the presence of 63 those 3,000 people 64 in there. 65 then I turned and walked away 66 into the night. 67 and my life was touched by 68 magic. 69 and it still 70 is. [Page 137] Bukowski, Charles:plants which easily winter kills [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 plants which easily winter kills, 2 and the hair on the eyelids of a 3 horse is called 4 brill, 5 and 6 plants which easily winter kills 7 are 8 Campanula medium 9 Digitalis purpurea 10 Early-flowered Chrysanthemums 11 Salvia patens 12 and 13 Shasta Daisy. 14 the United Daughters of the Confederacy was 15 founded in 16 Nashville, Tenn., Sept. 10, 17 1894. 18 the male heart weighs 10 to 12 19 ounces 20 and the female 21 8 to 10 ounces, 22 and in the 14th century 23 one-third of the population of England died 24 of the Black Death 25 which they say was caused by 26 unsanitary conditions. 27 and be careful of your style: 28 bad: he gave all of his 29 property to 30 charity. [Page 138] 31 better: 32 he gave all his property 33 to 34 charity. 35 best: 36 he kept all his 37 property. 38 the superficial area of the earth is 39 196,950,000 sq. miles 40 and the earth weighs 41 6,592,000,000,000,000,000,000 tons, 42 and my child said to me, 43 "thinking is not the same as 44 knowing." 45 Jesus Christ died at the age of 46 33 and contrary to popular belief 47 the sawfish does not attack 48 whales. [Page 139] Bukowski, Charles:the last poetry reading [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 was back east. 2 I had a drink on the plane 3 and landed at the airport, 2 p.m., 4 6 hours until the reading. 5 I was supposed to meet a lady in red, 6 it was 25 or 30 miles to the college. 7 I had a drink, scotch and water while standing up 8 at the bar downstairs. 9 then I went upstairs to another bar and had a bottle of 10 imported 11 beer, sitting down. 12 when I went downstairs the lady in red was having me 13 paged. 14 she was the professor's wife and she taught high school. 15 the professor had a 3 o'clock class. 16 we drove off to a bar and waited for the professor. 17 she was buying and the talk was easy. 18 the professor came in and ordered scotch and water. 19 I stayed with the beer. "I've got to warble," I told them. 20 we drank until 7, then the professor said, "we ought to 21 eat," and I said, "hell, I'm not hungry, I've got to warble, 22 I'd rather beer up for the last hour." 23 they said all right and we got to the reading a little after 24 8. 25 I was lucky. after reading a couple of poems I noticed 26 a water pitcher and a glass sitting there 27 and I had a drink of water and commented upon its lack of 28 soul. a student walked up and gave me half-a-bottle 29 of good wine. I thanked him, had a drink, and went onto the 30 next poem. so this is how they killed Dylan Thomas? I 31 thought. [Page 140] 32 well, they won't get me. I need just enough for the rent, 33 the beer and the horses. 34 I got through the reading and the next thing I knew I was in 35 a houseful of yuppies. they passed money for wine and we 36 sat around on the floor and talked. it was a 37 little dull but not bad. 38 then I was back at the professor's house 39 sitting up with him and sharing a 5th of whiskey. 40 his wife had to get up at 6:30 a.m. for her high school duties, 41 so just the 2 of us drank, we talked a little about literature, 42 but more about life and women and things that had happened. 43 it wasn't a bad night. 44 I slept on the couch downstairs. 45 in the morning I got up and had 2 Alka Seltzers and a coffee. 46 I took the professor's dog for a walk through the woods. 47 there were trees everywhere. those people had it made. 48 I came back and waited for the professor. luckily he didn't 49 have any classes that day. 50 I watched him. I knew what he was doing was wrong: a 51 glass of milk and a large bowl of Grapenuts. I 52 watched him while he ate it and listened to him in the 53 bathroom while he gave it back. 54 "what you need," I told him, "is a half-a-glass of beer in 55 half-a-glass of tomato juice." 56 "it was a good reading," he said. 57 "never mind the reading." 58 "you said you wanted to catch the 11:30 out of the 59 airport. I don't know if I can drive." 60 "I'll drive." [Page 141] 61 she had the new car and he had the old one with the stick 62 shift. 63 it was fun learning to use the clutch again. 64 I stopped twice along the road while the professor 65 vomited. then we stopped at a gas station and had a 66 7-Up. 67 "it was a good reading." 68 "never mind the reading." 69 the professor drank 2 more 7-Ups. 70 "you shouldn't do that." 71 I waited while he vomited again. 72 then he suggested that we ought to have breakfast. 73 "breakfast?" I said. "jesus." 74 well, we stopped and I ordered sausage and eggs and he 75 ordered ham and eggs, plus milk and Grapenuts. 76 "don't eat that milk and Grapenuts," I told him. 77 he ate it. then I waited while he ran outside. 78 I ate the sausage and eggs and potatoes and toast and 79 drank my coffee. then I ate his ham and eggs and potatoes 80 and toast and drank his coffee. 81 I drove on to the airport, thanked him for all, and 82 walked into the bar. I had a tomato juice and beer. then 83 I had a plain beer. I just made it to the plane before it took 84 off. even the stewardesses didn't look as bad as [Page 142] 85 usual. I ordered a scotch and water and when the 86 stewardess brought it she 87 leaned her body all over me but didn't even 88 smile. 89 I found one of the cigars I had stolen from the professor 90 and leaned back and lit it with a studied flourish. I sipped 91 my drink and looked out the window at the clouds and the 92 mountains and I remembered the factories and the slaughter- 93 houses and the railroad track gangs, I remembered all the 94 dumpy 2-bit slave jobs, the low salaries, the fear, the 95 hatred, the despair. 96 so this is what killed Dylan Thomas? I thought, sipping 97 my drink. 98 bring on the next reading. [Page 143] Bukowski, Charles:probably so [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 tonight 2 I have 2 spiders clinging to a crack in the wall 3 and there's one fly 4 loose. 5 a new woman lies on my bed in the next room 6 reading the Herald Examiner. 7 she has cooked, washed the dishes 8 and cleaned the tub. 9 she has done a good job. 10 I sit alone in here with the spiders 11 and the fly. 12 I hear her laugh at something in the 13 newspaper. she seems 14 happy. 15 I don't see how those little spiders 16 are ever going to get that 17 fly. 18 everybody waits 19 everything waits. 20 am I the only one 21 who lives like 22 this? [Page 144] Bukowski, Charles:assault [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 bad shape. sick. can hardly hold my soul together 2 here in Hollywood 3 here on DeLongpre Ave. where the nurses live 4 where the experimental film makers live 5 where the trees live hot and sad in the sun. 6 here where the wheelchairs drift past 7 down from the home for the aged. 8 how long Chinaski? 9 how many more loves shot out of the sky? 10 how many more women? 11 how many more days and years? 12 pain walks through the shadows of this room. 13 I can feel it in my arms, 14 I can hear it rattling in my cheap air cooler. 15 I remember things and get up and walk about. 16 I can't stop walking 17 from one edge of the room to the other. 18 I was once a man content to be alone. 19 now I have been broken open, 20 everything has edges. 21 they have me---crazed and trapped. 22 they brought me out of myself. 23 they are working on me. 24 the onslaught is furious and relentless 25 and without sound. [Page 145] 26 the rivers spill over the dikes. 27 the sun smells like burnt cheese. 28 ten thousand faces on the boulevards. 29 I live with creatures whose existence 30 has nothing to do with mine. 31 I keep walking about this room. 32 I can hardly breathe. 33 I have given my pain a name. 34 I call it "Assault." 35 Assault, I say, will you please go out for a walk 36 and leave me alone? 37 will you please go out for a walk and 38 get run over by a train? 39 my few friends think I'm a very funny fellow. 40 tell me about Chinaski, they ask my girlfriend. 41 oh, she says, he just sits in this big chair 42 and moans. 43 they laugh. 44 I make people laugh. 45 Assault, I say, do you want something to eat? 46 were you once a racehorse? 47 why don't you 48 sleep? 49 take a rest? 50 die? 51 Assault follows me across the room 52 he leaps on my shoulders and shakes me. 53 Lorca was shot down in the road but here [Page 146] 54 in America the poets never anger anybody. 55 the poets don't gamble. 56 their poetry has the smell of clinics. 57 their poetry has the smell of clinics 58 where people die rather than live. 59 here they don't assassinate the poets 60 they don't even notice the poets. 61 I walk out on the street to buy a 62 newspaper. 63 Assault follows me. 64 we pass a beautiful young girl on the sidewalk. 65 I look into her eyes. she stares 66 back. 67 you can't have her, says Assault, you are an old man, 68 you are a crazy old man. 69 I'm aware of my age, I say with some dignity. 70 yes, and aware of death too. 71 you're going to die and 72 you don't know where you're going 73 but I'm coming along with you. 74 you rotten bastard, I say, why are you 75 so fond of me? 76 I get a newspaper and come back. 77 we read it together. 78 ah, my companion! 79 we bathe together, sleep together, eat [Page 147] 80 together, we 81 open letters together. 82 we write poems together. 83 we read poems together. 84 I don't know if I am Chinaski or 85 Assault. 86 some say I love my pain. 87 yes, I love it so much I'd like to give it to you 88 wrapped in a red ribbon 89 wrapped in a bloody red ribbon 90 you can have it 91 you can have it all. 92 I'll never miss it. 93 I'm working on getting rid of it, believe me. 94 I might jam it into your mailbox 95 or throw it into the back seat of your car. 96 but now 97 here on DeLongpre Ave. 98 we have just 99 each other. [Page 148] Bukowski, Charles:raw with love [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 little dark girl with 2 kind eyes 3 when it comes time to 4 use the knife 5 I won't flinch and 6 I won't blame 7 you, 8 as I drive along the shore alone 9 as the palms wave, 10 the ugly heavy palms, 11 as the living do not arrive 12 as the dead do not leave, 13 I won't blame you, 14 instead 15 I will remember the kisses 16 our lips raw with love 17 and how you gave me 18 everything you had 19 and how I 20 offered you what was left of 21 me, 22 and I will remember your small room 23 the feel of you 24 the light in the window 25 your records 26 your books 27 our morning coffee 28 our noons our nights 29 our bodies spilled together 30 sleeping 31 the tiny flowing currents 32 immediate and forever [Page 149] 33 your leg my leg 34 your arm my arm 35 your smile and the warmth 36 of you 37 who made me laugh 38 again. 39 little dark girl with kind eyes 40 you have no 41 knife. the knife is 42 mine and I won't use it 43 yet. [Page 150] Bukowski, Charles:wide and moving [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 it is 98 degrees and I am standing in the center 2 of the room in my shorts. 3 it is the beginning of September 4 and I hear the sound of high heels biting 5 into the pavement outside. 6 I walk to the window 7 as she comes by 8 in a knitted see-through pink dress, 9 long legs in nylon, 10 and the behind is 11 wide and moving and grand 12 as I stand there watching the sun run through 13 all that movement 14 and then she is gone. 15 all I can see is brush and lawn and pavement. 16 where did she come from? 17 and what can one do when it comes and leaves 18 like that? 19 it seems immensely unfair. 20 I turn around, roll myself a cigarette, 21 light it, 22 stand in front of my air cooler 23 and feel unjustifiably 24 cheated. 25 but I suppose she gives that same feeling to a 26 hundred men a day. 27 I decide not to mourn 28 and remain at the window to 29 watch a white pigeon 30 peck in the dirt 31 outside. [Page 151] Bukowski, Charles:demise [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 the son-of-a-bitch 2 was one of those soft liberal guys 3 belly like butter who 4 lived in a big house, he 5 was a professor 6 and he told 7 her: 8 "he'll be your 9 demise." 10 imagine anybody saying 11 that: "demise"! 12 we drove in from the track, 13 she'd lost $57 and she said: 14 "we better stop for something to 15 drink." 16 she wore an old army jacket 17 a baseball cap 18 hiking boots 19 and when I came out with the bottle 20 she twisted the top off 21 and took a long straight swallow 22 a longshoreman's suicide gulp 23 tilting her head back behind those dark glasses. 24 my god, I thought. 25 a nice country girl like that 26 who loves to dance. [Page 152] 27 her 4 mad sisters will never forgive me 28 and that soft left-wing son-of-a-bitch 29 with a belly like butter (in that big 30 house) was 31 right. [Page 153] Bukowski, Charles:the pact [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 "I called up Harry and his girlfriend 2 answered," she said. "so I asked her, 3 'can I speak to Harry?' 4 and she said, 'Harry's not here right 5 now.' 6 and I said, 'all right, 7 I'll phone him back.' 8 and Harry's girlfriend said, 9 'listen, I think I'd better tell you. 10 Harry's 11 dead.' " 12 my girlfriend and Harry used to be 13 lovers. Harry had a bad heart 14 and he couldn't get it up 15 anymore. 16 then she told me: 17 "Harry and I made a pact: 18 he said 19 when he died he would 20 come back from the dead and 21 let me know that there's 22 life after death. 23 I think I ought to tell you 24 what he's going to 25 try to do." 26 "oh really?" I said. 27 so each morning now when we 28 wake up I ask her, "well, did [Page 154] 29 Harry make it back?" 30 I only get worried at night. 31 I can see Harry's ghost bigger 32 than the Himalayas ripping the 33 bedspread off us and 34 standing there 35 with his heart and 36 everything else in good 37 order. 38 I've always had terrible insomnia but 39 at least now I have something 40 to wait for 41 besides 42 morning. [Page 155] Bukowski, Charles:75 million dollars [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 there's Picasso 2 and now he's gone. 3 I know, it's in the papers. 4 there has been much about Picasso 5 in the papers. 6 we know he painted. 7 now there's the division of the estate. 8 there seem to be many little Picassos. 9 it will go to court, probably. 10 75 million dollars. 11 instead, 12 I like to think of how he worked with the brush, 13 doing it. wet paint, canvas, whatever. 14 the light. him standing there. 15 the process unwinding and smoking. 16 there's light and air and smell and the 17 idea, the smell of the 18 idea. and something to 19 eat. and there's a clock there. 20 eat the clock, Pablo. don't let the clock 21 eat 22 you. 23 the man leaves and his work 24 remains. 25 but to me 26 it's much more splendid when both 27 the man and the work are 28 here. yes, I know, I 29 know. 75 million dollars. [Page 156] 30 well, Picasso's gone. 31 immortality and fame are not always 32 different things. Pablo had fame, 33 now he has the other. 34 I think of old Henry Miller walking up and down 35 the floor in Pacific Palisades and waiting, 36 waiting. 37 we're all such good tough creative boys, 38 why do they let us 39 die? 40 75 million dollars. [Page 157] Bukowski, Charles:butterflies [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 I believe in earning one's own way 2 but I also believe in the unexpected 3 gift 4 and it is a wondrous thing 5 when a woman who has read your works 6 (or parts of them, anyhow) 7 offers her self to you 8 out of the blue 9 a total 10 stranger. 11 such an offer 12 such a communion 13 must be taken as 14 holy. 15 the hands 16 the fingers 17 the hair 18 the smell 19 the light. 20 one would like to be strong enough 21 to turn them away 22 those butterflies. 23 I believe in earning one's own way 24 but I also believe in the unexpected gift. 25 I have no shame. [Page 158] 26 we deserve one 27 another 28 those butterflies 29 who flutter to my tiny 30 flame 31 and 32 me. [Page 159] Bukowski, Charles:4 Christs [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 when I went up to Santa Cruz to read 2 they had the four of us 3 in the restaurant first 4 at an elevated table 5 with placards: 6 Ginsbing, Beerlinghetti, G. Cider and Chinaski. 7 it wasn't even the reading yet. 8 it was dinner first. 9 it looked like the Last Supper to me. 10 I arrived late 11 sat down 12 a thin man 13 with a scarf around his throat 14 got up and stood over me: 15 "guess you can't guess who I am?" 16 I looked. 17 "no." 18 "I'm G. Cider." 19 "ah, hello, Garry, I'm Chinaski." 20 he went back and sat 21 down. 22 Ginsbing and Beerlinghetti looked like they 23 were used to all the attention 24 we were getting. 25 they sat 26 impervious. 27 Jack Bitchelene hollered from the scumbag 28 crowd of minor poets also eating there 29 that night: 30 "hey, Chinaski, start some shit!" [Page 160] 31 "you are shit, Jack!" I hollered back, 32 "eat yourself and die!" 33 Jack loved it. he opened his dirty Brooklyn 34 mouth and laughed all over Santa 35 Cruz 36 his filthy grey uncombed hair 37 hanging in his face. 38 "look" I asked Beerlinghetti, "don't they 39 serve drinks up here 40 in the stratosphere?" 41 "we're waiting for dinner," he informed 42 me politely. 43 I got up from the table and went 44 over to the bar. 45 "give me a vodka-7," I told the 46 barkeep. 47 I got it down fast, ordered 48 a beer 49 and went back to the Last 50 Supper. 51 on the way a guy grabbed my arm: 52 "Ginsbing says he doesn't know how to 53 relate to you," he said. 54 I sat down at the table. 55 dinner came. 56 we ate it. 57 then before our transportation to the reading 58 arrived 59 we were given orders: 60 each was to read 61 20 minutes. 62 I read 15 minutes. 63 Beerlinghetti read 25 minutes. 64 Ginsbing read 30 minutes. 65 G. Cider read one hour and 66 12 minutes. [Page 161] 67 then it was 68 over. 69 and now the others say 70 I am the 71 Judas 72 among us. [Page 162] Bukowski, Charles:$180 gone [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 lost my ass at the races 2 now sitting with the flu 3 listening to Wagner on the radio 4 I've got this small heater humming. 5 I'm not dead yet 6 yet not dead 7 I want to see more kneecaps under 8 tight nylon hose. 9 I'm re-grouping, 10 I'm dreaming up the counter-attack. 11 lost my ass at the races 12 the Sierra Madre smiling at me 13 lost my ass at the races 14 walked through a wall of defeat. 15 I saw a dead cat this morning 16 both front legs sheared off 17 he was lying by the garbage can 18 as I walked by. 19 this is the hardest game 20 defeat grows like flowers 21 the whores sit in chairs before their doorways 22 Attila the Hun sleeps in a rubber mask at night. 23 Wagner died, Rimbaud quit writing, Christ spit it out. 24 I lost my ass at the races today 25 and was reminded of history [Page 163] 26 of waste and of error 27 and of strangled dreams. 28 we want it too easy 29 and this is the hardest game. 30 the small heater hums 31 as I smoke 32 looking at the walls. [Page 164] Bukowski, Charles:blue head of death [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 listening to Richard Strauss 2 is most pleasant 3 when you are blindfolded and up 4 against the wall again 5 facing old Spanish muskets and the 6 heat and the dust, the 7 blue head of death. 8 listening to Richard Strauss 9 reveals flashes of orange, grey and white 10 light, 11 lemonade, and cats crouched in the shade 12 in polarized 13 afternoons. 14 things get bad for all of 15 us, almost continually, 16 and what we do under the constant 17 stress 18 reveals 19 who/what we are. 20 Richard Strauss 21 is a colorful rush of craft and feeling, 22 he's like a loaf of french bread 23 cut the long way 24 and then loaded with all the ingredients. 25 it's just 26 right. 27 I leave my door open and the cats of the 28 neighborhood all come in. they walk over to me 29 and across the top of my couch [Page 165] 30 and into the bathroom, and one of them goes to 31 sleep on my 32 bed. one other sits by me and we listen 33 to Richard Strauss. 34 we're in trouble but we don't 35 know what to do. [Page 166] Bukowski, Charles:young men [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 again and again 2 young men write me 3 the same letter: 4 "I can't write, but I 5 want to write. I 6 read your stuff 7 and I want to 8 write just like you. 9 can you 10 please tell me something 11 that will help?" 12 all around me the 13 hills are on fire, 14 floodwaters run 15 through here 16 swarming with 17 rats. 18 the streets roar 19 and yawn to 20 swallow me. 21 I'm choking 22 and can't breathe. 23 they want to write? 24 like me? 25 what do they mean? 26 what's writing? 27 I only want to go to 28 bed 29 close my eyes 30 and sleep 31 forever. [Page 167] Bukowski, Charles:the meaning of it all [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 born next to cold dogs and 2 railroad tracks. 3 born to live with the 4 lost. 5 born among faces 6 uglier than anything 7 life could 8 devise. 9 born to see the 7 10 horse break its 11 leg 12 at 3:42 in the 13 afternoon. 14 born to lose another 15 woman--- 16 clothes gone from 17 closet, 18 hairpins 19 lotions 20 lipstick 21 rings 22 left 23 behind. 24 born to dance on 25 one leg. 26 born to sit around 27 and watch flies [Page 168] 28 frogs 29 and roaches. 30 born to sever fingers 31 on the edge of 32 tuna cans. 33 born to walk about 34 with guts 35 shot out 36 from front to 37 back. 38 born again 39 and 40 again and 41 again. [Page 169] Bukowski, Charles:guess who? [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 she passed from one important man 2 to another, 3 from bed to bed 4 from man to man 5 all of them 6 society's important men: 7 politicians, athletes, artists, 8 lawyers, doctors, entertainers, 9 producers, financiers, 10 and they all gave her one thing 11 or another: 12 gifts, money, publication, 13 publicity and/or 14 the good life. 15 but when she suddenly died 16 at 32 17 the only ones at her funeral 18 were 19 an aunt from Virginia 20 her bookie 21 her dope dealer 22 a bartender 23 an alcoholic neighbor 24 and several hired hands at the 25 graveyard. 26 but she held 27 2 final aces 28 and had the last laugh: 29 she'd never worked an 30 8 hour day 31 and they buried her 32 with all the gold 33 in her teeth. [Page 170] Bukowski, Charles:I want a mermaid [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 speaking about going crazy 2 I have been thinking about 3 mermaids lately. 4 but I can't place them 5 properly in my 6 mind. 7 one problem that bothers 8 me 9 is where are their sexual 10 organs located? 11 do they use toilet paper? 12 and can they stand 13 on their flipper 14 while frying bacon and 15 eggs? 16 I think 17 I'd like a mermaid 18 to love. 19 sometimes in the supermarket 20 I see crabs and baby 21 octopi 22 and I think, well, 23 I could feed her that. 24 but how would I pack her 25 around at the racetrack? 26 I get my things and then 27 push my cart to the 28 check-out stand. 29 "how are you today?" she 30 asks. [Page 171] 31 "o.k.," I say. 32 she has on a 33 market uniform 34 flat shoes 35 earrings 36 a little cap 37 pantyhose. 38 she rings up my 39 purchases. I know 40 where her sexual organs 41 are located as 42 I look out the 43 plate glass window 44 and wait. [Page 172] Bukowski, Charles:an unusual place [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 just thinking about 2 writing this poem has 3 already almost made me 4 sick 5 but I'll try it one more 6 time. 7 it was in Salt Lake 8 City 9 and I had the 10 flu 11 and it was cold 12 and I was in my 13 shirtsleeves. 14 I had given my 15 reading and was 16 ready to fly 17 back to L.A. 18 but I was with 19 2 girls who wanted 20 to make the bars 21 and we went into 22 this one place 23 and the girls wanted 24 to sit near the 25 front. 26 there was a 27 boy on the stage 28 a Japanese cowboy 29 and he could [Page 173] 30 holler. 31 I had to 32 make the men's room 33 and I ran in 34 there 35 and the urinal was 36 like a large shallow 37 bathtub 38 and it was 39 clogged and 40 full of urine 41 gently spilling across 42 the floor. 43 the entire floor 44 was wet 45 and I almost puked 46 into that flowing 47 tide of piss. 48 I came out and 49 got the girls 50 out of there. 51 that time 52 I didn't tip for 53 table service. 54 I'm still not 55 sure 56 which was worse--- 57 the men's room 58 or that Japanese 59 cowboy. 60 that's Mormon 61 territory and clearly 62 there's work to be 63 done. [Page 174] Bukowski, Charles:in this city now--- [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 wives' heads are 2 battered 3 against kitchen 4 walls 5 by unemployed 6 butchers. 7 pimps 8 send out their 9 dreary and doped 10 battalions 11 of tired 12 girls. 13 upstairs a man 14 pukes 15 his entire stomach 16 into a 17 wastebasket. 18 we all drink 19 too much 20 cheap wine 21 search for 22 cigarettes 23 look at our 24 mates 25 across 26 tabletops [Page 175] 27 and wonder why 28 they became 29 ugly 30 so soon. 31 we turn our 32 TV's on 33 searching for 34 baseball games 35 soaps 36 and 37 cop 38 shows 39 but it's only 40 sound 41 we want 42 some minor 43 distraction. 44 nobody cares 45 about 46 endings 47 we know the 48 end. 49 some of us 50 weaken 51 some of us 52 become 53 sniffers of 54 Christ. 55 some don't. [Page 176] 56 to know anything is 57 to score 58 and to score 59 is 60 necessary 61 that's 62 baseball 63 and that's all 64 the rest 65 of it 66 too. [Page 177] Bukowski, Charles:Captain Goodwine [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 one goes from being a poet 2 to being an entertainer. 3 I read my stuff in Florida once 4 and the professor there 5 told me, "you realize you're 6 an entertainer now, don't 7 you?" 8 I began to 9 feel bad about that remark 10 because when the crowd 11 comes to be entertained by 12 you 13 then you become somehow 14 suspect. 15 and so, another time, 16 starting from Los Angeles 17 we took to the air and 18 the flight captain intro- 19 duced himself as 20 "Captain Goodwine," 21 and thousands of miles 22 later I found myself trans- 23 ferred to a small 2-engine 24 plane and we took off and 25 the stewardess put a drink 26 in my hand 27 took my money and then 28 hollered, "drink up, 29 we're landing!" 30 we landed [Page 178] 31 took off again and she put 32 another drink in my hand, 33 took my money and then 34 hollered, "drink up, 35 we're landing!" 36 the 3rd time I ordered 37 2 drinks 38 although we only landed 39 once more. 40 I read twice that night in Arkansas 41 and ended up in a home with 42 clean rugs, a serving bar, a fireplace 43 and professors who spoke about budgets 44 and Fulbright scholarships, and where 45 the wives of the professors 46 sat very quietly without speaking. 47 they were all waiting for me 48 the entertainer 49 who had flown in with Captain 50 Goodwine to 51 entertain them to make a move on 52 someone's wife to break the windows 53 to piss on the rug to play the 54 fool to make them feel superior 55 to make them feel hip and liberated. 56 if I would only stick a cigarette 57 up the cat's ass! 58 if I would only take the 59 willing co-ed 60 who was doing a term paper on 61 Chinaski! 62 but I got up and went to my 63 poet's bedroom 64 closed the door [Page 179] 65 took off my clothes 66 went to bed and 67 went to sleep 68 thereby 69 entertaining myself 70 the best way 71 I knew 72 how. [Page 180] Bukowski, Charles:morning love [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 I awakened about 10:30 a.m. 2 Sunday morning 3 and I sat straight up in bed 4 and I said, 5 "o, Jesus Christ!" 6 and she said, 7 "what's the matter, Hank?" 8 and I said, "it's my car. do you 9 remember where we parked last night?" 10 and she said, 11 "no, I don't." 12 and I said, 13 "well, I think there's something strange going on." 14 and I got dressed and went out on the street. 15 I was worried. 16 I had no idea where the car was 17 and I walked up my street and down the next 18 street and I didn't see it. 19 I have love affairs with my cars 20 and the older they are and/or the longer I have them 21 the more I care. 22 this one was an ancient love. 23 ---then three blocks to the west I saw it: 24 parked dead center in the middle of a very narrow 25 street. nobody could enter the street or leave it. 26 my car sat there calmly like a forgotten drunk. 27 I walked over, got in, put the key in, and it 28 started. 29 there was no ticket. 30 I felt good. 31 I drove it to my street and parked it [Page 181] 32 carefully. 33 I walked back up the stairway and opened the 34 door. 35 "well, is your car all right?" she asked. 36 "yeah, I found it," I said, "guess where it ..." 37 "you worry too much about that god-damned car!" 38 she snapped. "did you bring back any 7-Up, any beer? 39 I need something now!" 40 I undressed and got back into bed and 41 pushed my fat ass up against her fat 42 belly and never said another 43 word. [Page 182] Bukowski, Charles:an old jockey [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 when you no longer see their name on the program 2 at Hollywood Park or Santa Anita 3 you figure they have retired 4 but it's not always the case. 5 sometimes women or bad investments 6 or drink or drugs 7 don't let them quit. 8 then you see them down at Caliente 9 on bad mounts 10 vying against the flashy Mexican boys 11 or you see them at the county fair 12 dashing for that first hairpin 13 turn. 14 it's like once-famous fighters 15 being fed to the rising small-town hero. 16 I was in Phoenix one afternoon 17 and the people were talking and chattering and talking 18 so I borrowed my lady's car 19 and got out of there 20 and drove to the track. 21 I had a fair day. 22 then in the last race 23 the jock brought in a longshot: 24 $48.40 and I looked at the program: 25 R.Y. 26 so that's what happened to him? 27 and when he pulled his mount up inside the winner's 28 circle he shook his whip in the air 29 just like he used to do at Hollywood Park. 30 it was like seeing the dead 31 newly risen: [Page 183] 32 good old R.Y. 33 5 pounds overweight 34 a bit older 35 and still able to 36 create the magic. 37 I hadn't noticed his name 38 on that $3,500 claiming race 39 or I would have put a small 40 sentimental bet on him 41 on his only mount of the day. 42 you can have your New Year's parties 43 your birthdays 44 your Christmas 45 your 4th of July 46 I'll take my kind of magic. 47 driving back in 48 I felt very good for R.Y. 49 when I got back they were still 50 chatting and talking and chatting 51 and my lady looked up and said, 52 "well, how did you do?" 53 and I said, "I had a lucky day." 54 and she said, "it's about time." 55 and she was right. [Page 184] Bukowski, Charles:hard times on Carlton Way [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 somebody else was killed last night 2 as I sit looking at 12 red dying roses. 3 I do believe that this neighborhood must 4 be tougher than Spanish Harlem in N.Y. 5 I must get out. 6 I've lived here 4 years without a scratch 7 and in a sense my neighbors accept me. 8 I'm just the old guy in a white t-shirt. 9 but that won't help me one day. 10 I'm no longer broke. 11 I could get out of here. 12 I could better my living conditions. 13 but I have an idea 14 I'll never get out of here. 15 I like the nearby taco stand too much. 16 I like the cheap bars and pawn shops and 17 the roving insane 18 who steep on our bus stop benches 19 or in the bushes 20 and raid the Goodwill container 21 for clothing. 22 I feel a bond with these 23 people. 24 I was once like them even though I 25 now am a published writer with some 26 minor success. 27 somebody else was killed last night 28 in this neighborhood 29 almost under my window. 30 I'm sentimental: [Page 185] 31 even though the roses are 32 almost dead 33 somebody brought them to me 34 and must I finally throw them 35 away? 36 another death last night 37 another death 38 the poor kill the poor. 39 I've got to get out of this 40 neighborhood 41 not for the good of my poetry 42 but for a reasonable chance at 43 old age. 44 as I write this 45 the giant who lives in the back 46 who wears a striped black-and-yellow 47 t-shirt as big as a tent 48 (he looks like a huge bumblebee at 49 six-foot-four and 290 pounds) 50 walks past my window and claws 51 the screen. 52 "mercy, my friend," I ask. 53 "there'll be no mercy," he says, turning back 54 to his tiny flat. 55 the 12 dead roses look at me. [Page 186] Bukowski, Charles:we needed him [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 so big, with a cigar sticking out of his mouth 2 he listened patiently to the people 3 to the old women in the neighborhood who told him 4 about their arthritis and their constipation 5 or about the peeping toms who looked in at their 6 wrinkled bodies at night 7 breathing heavily outside the blinds. 8 he had patience with people 9 he knew something as he sat at the taco stand and 10 listened to the cokeheads and the meth-heads 11 and the ugly whores 12 who then listened carefully to him 13 he was the neighborhood 14 he was Hollywood and Western 15 even the pimps with their switchblades stood aside 16 when he walked by. 17 then it happened without warning: he began to get 18 thin. he came to my door and asked if I had some 19 oranges. he sat in my chair looking weak and sad, 20 he seemed about to cry. "I don't know what's wrong. 21 I can't eat. I puke it all up." I told him to go 22 to the doctors. he went to the Vet's Hospital, he went 23 to Queen of Angels, he went to Hollywood 24 Presbyterian. he went to other stranger places. 25 I went to see him the other day. he had moved out of 26 the neighborhood. he sat in a chair. discarded 27 milk cartons were on the floor, empty beef stew 28 cans, empty Kentucky Colonel boxes, bags of 29 uneaten french fries and the stale stink. [Page 187] 30 "you need a good diagnostician," I said." 31 "it's no use," he said. 32 "keep trying ..." 33 "I've found," he said, "that I can drink buttermilk 34 and it stays down." 35 we talked some more and then I left. 36 now the old women ask me, "where is he? where is your 37 friend?" 38 I don't think he wants to see them. 39 I'll always remember him when there was trouble 40 around this place 41 running out of his apartment in back 42 himself large and confident 43 in the moonlight, long cigar in mouth 44 ready to right what needed to be set 45 right. 46 now it's simple and clear 47 that he waits as alone as a man can get. 48 even the devil has company, you know. 49 the old ladies stay inside 50 the taco stand has lost its lure 51 and when the police helicopter circles 52 over us in the night 53 and the searchlight invades our windows 54 illuminating the blinds it doesn't matter 55 like it used to matter. it's as simple 56 and clear as that. [Page 188] Bukowski, Charles:Nana [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 she has fucked 200 men in ten 2 states. 3 5 have committed suicide 4 3 have gone entirely mad. 5 every time she moves to a new city 6 10 men follow her. 7 now she sits on my couch 8 in a short blue dress 9 and she seems 10 quite healthy and chipper 11 even looks innocent. 12 "I lose interest in a man," 13 she says, 14 "as soon as he begins to care for 15 me." 16 I refill her drink 17 as she pulls her dress up, 18 shows me her black panties. 19 "don't these look sexy?" she asks. 20 I tell her that they do look sexy. 21 she gets up, walks across the room 22 through my bedroom and into the bathroom. 23 soon I hear the toilet flush. 24 her name is Nana and she has been living on 25 earth for the past 26 5,000 years. [Page 189] Bukowski, Charles:poor Mimi [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 poor Mimi Trochi 2 she is probably the most beautiful woman I know 3 and young too, still young, but 4 she keeps running into trouble, 5 twice in the madhouse, 6 shacked up and deserted 7 beyond counting 8 but she knows I am one of those rare old-fashioned men 9 and she comes to me for strength 10 but all I can give her are hot kisses, 11 and we are always interrupted by lightning or chance 12 or bad luck 13 and poor Trochi and I never seem to get beyond the 14 hot kisses, 15 and I am usually luckier that way, 16 and she certainly must be---if you want to call it luck--- 17 with her several children to prove it. 18 for one of the handsomest women on earth 19 this all could be a puzzle 20 especially since she has a mind and a soul, but 21 Trochi simply chooses wrong, 22 she chooses indifference to begin with, 23 she believes indifference is strength, and 24 I have suffered right along with Mimi Trochi and 25 her indifferent men and 26 although I have never stuck it into her 27 she keeps coming back 28 with stories and sobs 29 looking more handsome than ever, 30 we don't even kiss anymore, 31 all those hot kisses gone forever, [Page 190] 32 I am just not indifferent enough. 33 "you had your chance," she tells me, 34 showing me her newest baby. 35 I don't know what to do about it 36 so I phone my girlfriend and say, 37 "do come over. Mimi is here with her baby 38 and we are celebrating." 39 my girlfriend comes over, picks up the baby and 40 tortures it in her loving way 41 just as she does me. 42 and then I tell Mimi that we must leave for dinner, 43 my girlfriend and I, 44 and Mimi says, well, all the traffic 45 now, it's 5 in the afternoon, could I stay a while? 46 and so we leave handsome Mimi Trochi 47 there and drive off, 48 and I don't worry too much 49 because I feel that Mimi does love me in her own 50 way, 51 and coming back the next morning 52 I find nothing missing, 53 only a small phone bill later, 54 a call to Van Nuys and a call to Pasadena, 55 hardly anything for a woman in her state, 56 you know how it usually is: 57 a call to New York or Philadelphia 58 or London or Paris or worse. 59 I have her phone number written down 60 and I am going to invite her to my New Year's party 61 if she's still in town 62 then. 63 that day we left her at my place 64 she said she was going to try to get a job 65 as a belly dancer [Page 191] 66 at the Red Fez. a Turk, she said, owned the Red 67 Fez and he was giving her some real 68 trouble 69 but might offer her the job 70 anyway. 71 having known Mimi Trochi this long 72 I was afraid to ask her 73 what the trouble was. [Page 192] Bukowski, Charles:a boy and his dog [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 there's Barry in his ripped walking shorts 2 he's on Thorazine 3 is 24 4 looks 38 5 lives with his mother in the same 6 apartment building 7 and they fight like married folk. 8 he wears dirty white t-shirts 9 and every time he gets a new dog 10 he names him "Brownie." 11 he's like an old woman really. 12 he'll see me getting into my Volks. 13 "hey, ya goin' ta work?" 14 "oh, no Barry, I don't work. I'm going to 15 the racetrack." 16 "yeah?" 17 he walks over to the car window. 18 "ya heard them last night?" 19 "who?" 20 "them! they were playin' that shit all night! 21 I couldn't sleep! they played until one-thirty! 22 didn't cha hear 'em?" 23 "no, but I'm in the back, Barry, you're up 24 front." 25 we live in east Hollywood among the massage parlors, 26 adult bookstores and the sex film theatres. 27 "yeah," says Barry. "I don't know what this neigh- 28 borhood is comin' to! ya know those other people in 29 the front 30 unit?" 31 "yes." 32 "well, I saw through their curtains! and ya know what 33 they were doin'?" [Page 193] 34 "no, Barry." 35 "this!" he says and then takes his right forefinger and 36 pokes it against a vein in his left arm. 37 "really?" 38 "yeah! and if it ain't that, now we got all these 39 drunks in the neighborhood!" 40 "look, Barry, I've got to get to the racetrack." 41 "aw' right. but ya know what happened?" 42 "no, Barry." 43 "a cop stopped me on my Moped. and guess why?" 44 "speeding?" 45 "no! he claimed I had to have a license to drive a Moped! 46 that's stupid! he gave me a ticket! I almost smashed him 47 in the face!" 48 "oh yeah?" 49 "yeah! I almost smashed him!" 50 "Barry, I've got to make the first race." 51 "how much does it cost you to get in?" 52 "four dollars and twenty-five cents." 53 "I got into the Pomona County Fair for a dollar." 54 "all right, Barry." 55 the motor has been running. I put it into first and pull 56 out. in the rearview mirror I see him walk 57 back across the lawn. 58 Brownie is waiting for him, 59 wagging his tail. 60 his mother is inside waiting. 61 maybe Barry will slam her against the refrigerator 62 thinking about that cop. 63 or maybe they'll play checkers. 64 I find the Hollywood freeway 65 then the Pasadena freeway. 66 life has been tough on Barry: 67 he's 24 68 looks 38 69 but it all evens out finally: 70 he's aged a good many other people 71 too. [Page 194] Bukowski, Charles:the dangerous ladies [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 they come visit and 2 sit across from me and talk 3 and their voices are very loud 4 and they laugh too much 5 and soon I have a headache 6 as they tell me about their men 7 how they had to throw this one out 8 and how the other one tried to 9 kill himself when they left him, 10 and they talk on 11 smiling 12 laughing 13 nodding 14 and most of them are a little bit 15 heavy and a little bit 16 blonde 17 and after they leave 18 I think about the men who needed them: 19 those are the kind of men who would consider 20 turning on the gas if they lost their jobs 21 as stock boys at 22 Sears-Roebuck. 23 those are men who need women like they once 24 needed their mothers. 25 those are men who need loud laughing 26 wenches of little 27 spiritual or physical 28 attraction. 29 and the women feast on those men 30 like candy 31 like peanuts [Page 195] 32 like sunflower seeds 33 and throw away the wrappers and shells 34 as they tell others of their womanly 35 conquests 36 while holding a warm can of Coors in one hand 37 and a Marlboro in the other. [Page 196] Bukowski, Charles:sloppy love [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 Sally was a sloppy 2 leaver. she was good with farewell 3 notes, 4 she wrote them in a large 5 indignant hand. 6 Sally was always indignant, she was 7 good at that. 8 and she always took most of her 9 clothes, 10 but I'd 11 sit and look about--- 12 and there'd be a pink slipper 13 under the bed. 14 I'd 15 get down under the bed 16 to get that pink slipper to 17 throw it in the trash 18 and next to the pink slipper 19 I'd find a pair of stained 20 panties. 21 and there were hairpins everywhere: 22 in the ashtray, on the dresser, in the 23 bathroom. and her magazines were also 24 everywhere with their exotic headlines: 25 MAN KIDNAPS GIRL, THEN 26 THROWS HER BODY FROM 27 400 FOOT CLIFF. 28 9 YEAR OLD BOY RAPES 29 4 WOMEN IN GREYHOUND 30 DEPOT RESTROOM. [Page 197] 31 Sally was a sloppy leaver. 32 in the top drawer next to the Kleenex 33 I'd find all the notes I'd written her, 34 neatly bound with rubber 35 bands. 36 and she was sloppy with her 37 photos: 38 I'd find one of both of us 39 crouched on the hood of our 40 '58 Plymouth--- 41 Sally showing a lot of leg 42 and grinning like a Kansas City moll, 43 and me 44 showing the bottoms of my shoes 45 with the holes 46 in them. 47 and, there were photos of dogs, 48 all of them ours, 49 and, photos of children, 50 most of them 51 hers. 52 she'd leave and an 53 hour later 54 the phone would ring 55 and it would be 56 Sally 57 and in the background 58 music from a juke 59 box, some song I 60 hated, and while she talked 61 I'd hear men's 62 voices too. 63 "Sally, Sally," I'd say, [Page 198] 64 "come on back, 65 baby!" 66 "no," she'd say, "there are other men in the 67 world besides you. but 68 I could have loved you forever, Chinaski." 69 "get fucked," I'd say and hang 70 up. 71 I'd pour a drink 72 and while looking for a scissors in the bathroom 73 to trim the hair around my ears 74 I'd find a brassiere in one of the drawers 75 and hold it up to the light. 76 I'd drink my drink 77 then begin to trim the hair around my ears 78 deciding that I was quite a handsome man 79 but that I'd need to lift weights 80 go on a diet 81 get a tan, 82 and so forth. 83 after a while 84 the phone would ring again 85 and I'd lift the receiver 86 hang up 87 lift the receiver again 88 and let it 89 dangle 90 by the cord. 91 I'd trim my ear hairs, my nose hairs, my 92 eyebrows, 93 then lie down 94 and go to [Page 199] 95 sleep. 96 I'd be awakened by a sound I had never 97 heard before--- 98 it felt and sounded like the warning of an 99 atomic attack. 100 I'd get up and look for the sound. 101 it would come from the telephone 102 still off the hook. 103 I'd 104 pick up the 105 phone. 106 "sir, this is the desk clerk. your phone is 107 off the hook." 108 "all right. sorry. I'll 109 hang up." 110 "don't hang up, sir. your wife is in the 111 elevator." 112 "my wife?" 113 "she says she's Mrs. Chinaski." 114 "all right, it's 115 possible." 116 "sir, can you get her out of the 117 elevator? 118 her language is abusive 119 and she says she won't budge 120 until you come and 121 help her ... and, sir ..." 122 "yes?" [Page 200] 123 "... we didn't want to call the 124 police ..." 125 "yes?" 126 "she's laying on the floor in the 127 elevator, sir, and, and ... she has ... 128 urinated on 129 herself ..." 130 "o.k.," I'd say and 131 hang up. 132 I'd walk out in my shorts 133 cigar in mouth 134 and press the elevator 135 button. 136 it would come up slowly: 137 one, two, three, four ... 138 the doors would open 139 and there would be 140 Sally. 141 I'd 142 pick her up and 143 carry her out of 144 there. 145 I'd get her to the apartment 146 throw her on the bed 147 and pull off her wet 148 panties, skirt and stockings. 149 then I'd put a drink on the coffee table 150 nearby 151 sit down on the couch 152 and 153 wait. [Page 201] 154 suddenly she'd sit straight up and 155 look around the 156 room. 157 she'd ask 158 "Hank?" 159 "over here," I'd 160 wave my hand. 161 "oh, thank god ..." 162 then she'd see the drink and 163 gulp it 164 down. I'd get up, 165 refill it, put cigarettes, an ashtray and 166 matches 167 nearby. 168 then she'd sit up again: 169 "who took my panties 170 off?" 171 "me." 172 "me?" 173 "Chinaski." 174 "Chinaski, you can't 175 fuck me." 176 "you pissed 177 yourself." 178 "who?" 179 "you ..." 180 she'd sit straight [Page 202] 181 up then: 182 "Chinaski, you dance like a 183 queer, you dance like a 184 woman!" 185 "I'll kick your god-damned 186 ass!" I'd say. 187 then she'd put her head back on the 188 pillow: "I love you, Chinaski, I really 189 do ..." 190 she'd start snoring then. 191 after a while 192 I'd get into bed with 193 her. I wouldn't want to touch her 194 at first. she needed a bath. 195 I'd get one leg up against hers; 196 it didn't seem too 197 bad. I'd try the 198 other. 199 I'd remember all the good days and the 200 good nights 201 slip one arm under her neck, 202 then I'd put the other around her 203 belly 204 gently. 205 her hair would fall back 206 and climb into my face. 207 I'd feel her inhale, then 208 exhale. we'd sleep like that 209 most of the night and into the 210 next afternoon. then I'd be the first to get up and 211 go to the bathroom 212 and then she'd get up and 213 have her turn. [Page 203] Bukowski, Charles:winter: 44th year [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 I am sad 2 like 3 a 4 dead angel 5 I am sad 6 like 7 porksalt 8 I am mad 9 like 10 a 11 dead angel 12 a woman has 13 told me 14 when things get bad 15 she'll come and 16 bring me 17 lovely living 18 angels. 19 I phoned her 20 an hour ago 21 holding a 22 sharp knife 23 in my 24 left hand. 25 the phone service 26 said 27 they'd 28 leave the 29 message. [Page 204] Bukowski, Charles:Hollywood Ranch Market [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 she was 32 years younger 2 than I was 3 with a body fit for the 4 gods. 5 it was 2:30 a.m. 6 we'd lived together for 7 8 months 8 and she shook me, 9 "Hank?" 10 "yeah?" 11 "I have to have some 12 deep fried 13 chicken gizzards!" 14 "what? again?" 15 "I've got to have them now!" 16 "all right." 17 l we got up and dressed. 18 outside it was beginning to 19 rain. 20 we drove to the Hollywood 21 Ranch Market. 22 she ordered her 23 deep fried 24 chicken gizzards 25 and I ordered an ear of corn 26 and a roast beef 27 sandwich. 28 it was beginning to rain harder 29 and as we waited 30 a man without legs [Page 205] 31 rolled up on a little platform 32 he had an unforgettable face 33 with black eyes and 34 a large nose. 35 he grabbed my woman around 36 the calf of one of her 37 legs 38 with a hand the size of a 39 table radio: 40 "hey, Cleo, baby! how ya 41 doin'?" 42 "Beef-o!" she replied, 43 "you son-of-a-bitch, how ya 44 doing?" 45 "great, baby, great! got a 46 light?" 47 Beef-o had a king-size Marlboro in his 48 mouth. 49 she bent over and lit him 50 up as one of her breasts almost 51 slipped out of 52 her blouse. 53 "you're looking great, baby, 54 great! who's the guy? that your 55 old man? hey, man, how ya doin'?" 56 I bent over to shake and 57 my hand vanished into his. 58 after some more small talk 59 Beef-o rolled off into the 60 rain and she said, 61 "can you wait a minute? 62 I want to run down and see 63 Billy John. Billy John's just got one 64 arm but he's the neatest guy 65 you ever met! be right back!" [Page 206] 66 I paid for the orders 67 and stood there in the rain 68 holding the 69 bags for 10 or 15 minutes. 70 then Cleo came back, 71 "Billy John's not there, I 72 don't know what happened 73 to Billy John ..." 74 back in bed we sat upright 75 eating. I finished my corn 76 and my sandwich. she put her 77 gizzards down. 78 "they just don't taste right, 79 they just don't taste like they 80 used to taste." 81 she stretched out. 82 then her young lips parted 83 red red red with lipstick. 84 bits of chicken gizzard still 85 clung to the corners 86 of her mouth. 87 she began to 88 snore. 89 I sat and listened to the rain 90 then I switched out the 91 light. 92 I knew then that 93 I had to get out of east Hollywood! 94 they didn't even bother to 95 fix the streets 96 anymore. [Page 207] Bukowski, Charles:rape [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 the Free Verse Poets whispered 2 that Julia only gave it to the 3 Rhyming Poets, or at least 4 she was always seen only with 5 them. 6 the Free Verse Poets put it into my head 7 to go on over there and score 8 one for Us. 9 early on that 4th of July evening 10 I had Julia up against the refrigerator 11 trapped 12 when this 19-year-old boy 13 walked into the kitchen and asked, 14 "hey, mom, what's going on?" 15 we were introduced and went into 16 the other room. I poured the boy 17 a half glass of Jack Daniels 18 and watched his delicate lips 19 pucker as he took little sips. 20 that would teach him not to 21 get in the way of his mother's 22 erotic life. 23 then there was a knock on the 24 door and in came Monzo the 25 poet and his wife 26 Denise. Denise hated me with 27 a hatred 28 much more powerful than [Page 208] 29 Monzo's poems. 30 I figured the only way to 31 accomplish my mission 32 was to drink them all senseless: 33 the son, Monzo, his wife and 34 Julia. then 35 I'd ravish Julia. 36 I had brought along enough 37 beer and whiskey 38 to accomplish this. 39 we drank and then the fireworks 40 came on at the Los Angeles 41 Coliseum 42 and by standing at the window 43 we could watch the show. 44 everybody seemed delighted. 45 "terribly dull shit," I said. 46 "Chinaski," Monzo's wife said, 47 "you are so negative!" 48 I placed my hand on Julia's ass 49 as we watched, I pinched her ass, 50 fondled the crack. 51 the boy was in the bathroom 52 vomiting. 53 then somebody said, "oh, 54 my god!" 55 some of the fireworks had fallen 56 into the tall palm trees 57 in the street outside 58 and they were burning, 59 one setting fire to another. 60 "now," I said, "there is something [Page 209] 61 that is really beautiful!" 62 "oh, Chinaski," Monzo's wife said, 63 "you are such an obnoxious 64 son-of-a-bitch!" 65 the fire engines came and soon spoiled 66 it for me. we sat down and drank some 67 more. 68 they talked. they used terms 69 like lower-class, middle-class, upper- 70 middle-class, upper-upper-class. they talked 71 about personal communication. they talked about the 72 environment and Dylan Thomas. they 73 discussed communes and organic gardens. 74 they spoke of Yoga. they talked about unstructured 75 schools and about growing grass 76 indoors with ultraviolet light. they talked 77 about Tim Leary, Abbie Hoffman, Jerry Rubin, 78 about the war in Vietnam and how they liked 79 certain cartoonists like Robert Crumb. 80 they talked about love-ins, they 81 talked about smoke-ins. they talked about 82 how everybody was fucking the American 83 Indian. and they drank very little while I 84 drank a great deal. I soon realized that 85 they had decided to stick it out with Julia to 86 keep her from being ravished. 87 I finally gave up 88 got back to my car 89 and drove to my place on 90 DeLongpre Avenue 91 where I uncapped a beer 92 lucked upon some Wagner 93 on the radio 94 and then my landlady in the back 95 came out and we went [Page 210] 96 over to her place 97 where we drank two quarts of Eastside beer 98 one after the other 99 while her old man 100 in a white torn undershirt 101 his head resting on the table 102 slept peacefully. 103 she talked about 104 Catholicism 105 (she went to mass every Sunday) 106 and the horrors of 107 hemorrhoids and gallstones 108 (and operations for same) 109 and in between we sang songs 110 from the 30's, 111 Bing Crosby songs and the like, 112 and when I left there at 113 5 a.m. 114 it was unclearly the 5th of July 115 and I had forgotten all about 116 my failure to ravish 117 Julia. [Page 211] Bukowski, Charles:gone away [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 they were not quite looking at one 2 another nor were they trying to look 3 away. 4 they sat quietly on the uncomfortable 5 metal chairs in the small 6 glass-enclosed waiting room. 7 there must have been 8 13 or 14 of them 9 men and women 10 they looked neither 11 comfortable nor uncomfortable 12 as 13 I stood there 14 waiting for one of them 15 to speak 16 because 17 I didn't know which one 18 was the one in charge. 19 they were all in civilian clothes 20 and finally I asked: 21 "pardon me, but could somebody tell 22 me which room Betty Winters is in?" 23 "Betty Winters?" asked a man 24 dressed completely in matching brown. 25 I noticed he had a large ring of keys 26 fastened to his belt. 27 "yes," I answered, "I've come to 28 visit her. these are visiting hours, 29 aren't they?" 30 there was no answer. 31 the man in brown got 32 out of his chair. he looked at 33 a chart on the wall. [Page 212] 34 "Betty Winters is in 303 only she's 35 not there. she took restricted 36 leave." 37 the man in brown walked 38 back to his chair and 39 sat down. 40 the other people had remained 41 detached and motionless. 42 I almost asked, "is she coming 43 back?" but I already knew what 44 the man in brown knew: 45 if she didn't return she was 46 too insane to know she wasn't 47 sane enough 48 and if she did return she was 49 sane enough to know that she was 50 insane. 51 Betty Winters had asked me 52 to come visit her that day. 53 like most other afternoons 54 it was a wasted afternoon 55 for me. 56 as I walked back down the hall 57 a man ran along 58 in front of me. he jumped 59 and skipped 60 as he ran along 61 slapping at invisible marks on the 62 wall with his hands. he 63 never seemed to miss. suddenly he 64 let out a shout 65 darted into a side room and 66 without looking back 67 slammed the door 68 behind him. [Page 213] Bukowski, Charles:note left on the dresser by a lady friend: [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 WINE: at present you are buying about 60 bottles 2 per month 3 retailing at $5 a bottle 4 which comes to a total of $300 a month 5 (plus tax). 6 if you can cut this down to 30 bottles a month 7 (one bottle per night) and buy your wine 8 by the case at 10% discount you will only spend 9 $135. the amount saved will be approx. $165 per month 10 or 11 $1980 yearly! 12 DINING OUT: at present you go out to eat about 13 4 nights a week and it costs about $25 a night, including 14 drinks, which comes to a total of $400 per month. cut 15 your 16 dining out to 2 nights a week and to about $20 each 17 night 18 (much less if you eat Chinese). this will come to 19 about $160 a month (plus tips). the amount saved will be 20 approx. $240 a month, or $2880 a year! 21 TELEPHONE: at present you have been spending about 22 $200 per 23 month. this one's easy: no more long distance calls! this 24 will cut your expense in half. the amount saved will be 25 $100 a month, 26 or $1200 per year. 27 RACETRACK: at present you are spending (losing) 28 about 29 $90 a week. Hank, you've just got to figure out [Page 214] 30 a new betting system, for this comes to $360 per month! 31 so my dear, by cutting down on wining, dining, long 32 distance 33 calls and losing at the track 34 you will save approx. $865 a month, or 35 get this: 36 $10,380 per year! REALLY! 37 get ready, 38 get set, 39 GO! [Page 215] Bukowski, Charles:legs [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 Houdini was caught off guard 2 by a kid 3 who punched him in the belly 4 before he was ready. 5 he hadn't inflated his air vest 6 yet. 7 the same thing happened to me 8 at a party once: 9 I told this big guy: 10 "go ahead, hit me in the belly 11 as hard as you can! I have abs of 12 steel!" 13 just then a young girl with beautiful 14 legs 15 crossed them 16 and I caught a glimpse 17 of miraculous thigh 18 just as the big guy 19 drove his fist straight through my 20 stomach wall. 21 the pain was almost tranquil 22 and I couldn't see 23 then it got real bad 24 and I lifted my drink 25 and had some 26 and a while later 27 when I could talk 28 I told the big guy: 29 "now it's my turn!" 30 "yeah, right," he said and vanished into 31 the crowd. 32 the girl with the beautiful legs [Page 216] 33 left early 34 with somebody else. 35 later on that night 36 I drank a pint of whiskey 37 straight 38 without stopping. 39 there was really nothing else left 40 for me 41 to do, and I got a 42 well-deserved 43 smattering of 44 applause. [Page 217] Bukowski, Charles:the artist [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 "look," I say, "you shouldn't have broken in 2 here, it's just not done ..." 3 "why not? we waited out there for 2 hours." 4 "you're taking a chance of getting sliced 5 from gullet to asshole," I tell him. 6 "I often lay here in the dark 7 and don't want to be 8 bothered ..." 9 "but I thought we were friends ..." 10 "you shouldn't think. it's harmful." 11 "Hank, I haven't painted a thing this year. 12 I'm hurting." 13 "that's your dirty laundry. you're living with your 14 mother. 15 she'll powder your 16 bunghole ..." 17 "you don't like me, do you?" 18 "you're always talking about Art," 19 I tell him. "I don't like Artists, I don't like 20 you, I don't like most 21 people, I don't like door-knockers. 22 I never knock on any man's door; 23 I expect the same." [Page 218] 24 "do you want me to leave?" 25 "of course." 26 "do you have a five?" 27 "I don't carry fives." 28 "do you have a one?" 29 "I don't carry ones." 30 "do you have any small change?" 31 "never carry it. holes in my pockets." 32 after he leaves I go into the kitchen and see where he 33 and his 34 girlfriend broke in. she had sat through the whole 35 conversation 36 with a 15 cent Mona Lisa smile on her 37 face. 38 I need two new hooks on 39 the screen. then I go and check my hunting 40 knife. might be better to gut him 41 the next time he crawls 42 through 43 there. 44 better for him, better for me, 45 better for his mother, 46 better for Art. [Page 219] Bukowski, Charles:revolt in the ranks [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 I have just spent one-hour-and-a-half 2 handicapping tomorrow's 3 card. 4 when am I going to get at the poems? 5 well, they'll just have to wait, 6 they'll have to warm their feet in the 7 anteroom 8 where they'll sit gossiping about 9 me. 10 "this Chinaski, doesn't he realize that 11 without us he would have long ago 12 gone mad, been dead?" 13 "he knows, but he thinks he can keep 14 us at his beck and call!" 15 "he's an ingrate!" 16 "let's give him writer's block!" 17 "yeah!" 18 "yeah!" 19 "yeah!" 20 the little poems kick up their heels 21 and laugh. 22 then the biggest one gets up and 23 walks toward the door. 24 "hey, where you going?" he is 25 asked. 26 "somewhere where I am 27 appreciated." 28 then, he 29 and the others 30 vanish. 31 I open a beer, sit down at the [Page 220] 32 machine and nothing 33 happens. 34 like now. [Page 221] Bukowski, Charles:life of the king [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 I awaken at 11:30 a.m. 2 get into my chinos and a clean green shirt 3 open a Miller's, 4 and nothing in the mailbox but the 5 Berkeley Tribe 6 which I don't subscribe to, 7 and on KUSC there is organ music 8 something by Bach 9 and I leave the door open 10 stand on the porch 11 walk out front 12 hot damn 13 that air is good 14 and the sun like golden butter on my 15 body. no race track today, nothing but this 16 beastly and magic 17 leisure, rolled cigarette dangling 18 I scratch my belly in the sun 19 as Paul Hindemith 20 rides by on a bicycle, 21 and down the street a lady in a 22 very red dress 23 bends down into a laundry basket 24 rises 25 hangs a sheet on a line, 26 bends again, rises, in all that red, 27 that red like snake skin 28 clinging moving flashing 29 hot damn 30 I keep looking, and 31 she sees me 32 pauses bent over basket [Page 222] 33 clothespin in mouth 34 she rises with a pair of pink 35 panties 36 smiles around the 37 clothespin 38 waves to me. 39 what's next? rape in the streets? 40 I wave back, 41 go in, 42 sit down at the machine 43 by the window, and now it's someone's 44 violin concerto in D, 45 and a pretty black girl in very tight pants 46 walking a hound, 47 they stop outside my window, 48 look in; 49 she has on dark shades 50 and her mouth opens a little, then she and the 51 dog 52 move on. 53 someone might have bombed cities for this or 54 sold apples in the 55 rain. 56 but whoever is responsible, today I wish to 57 thank him 58 all the 59 way. [Page 223] Bukowski, Charles:the silver mirror [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 she pulls a large silver mirror 2 from her purse 3 and starts to pencil her eyebrows. 4 the left eye is bruised where she 5 fell several nights ago. 6 the afternoon sun comes through the 7 blinds behind her. 8 she talks and talks as she doctors 9 her face: "god damn it, I'm always 10 falling over the strangest things ... 11 the radiator at home, my sewing 12 machine, a wastebasket full of empty 13 tin cans ..." 14 she lifts her drink 15 still gazing into the silver 16 mirror ..."you're a funny guy, you 17 know that? ... you say things that 18 nobody else would ever think of 19 saying ... it must feel good to be 20 verbal that way ..." 21 she spins the mirror in its frame 22 and blows cigarette smoke through it 23 like through a revolving door. 24 "I'm glad you don't like women who 25 wear pantyhose ... it de-cunts a woman ..." 26 the afternoon sun seeps through her 27 red-brown hair. quickly she crosses 28 her legs, swings her foot up and 29 down. she drops the silver mirror 30 back into her purse, looks up at me--- 31 her eyes very large and the palest 32 green that I have ever seen, and [Page 224] 33 down through Georgia and in New Orleans 34 and up in Maine 35 the whole world is caught in her glance 36 and at last 37 the universe is 38 magnificent. [Page 225] Bukowski, Charles:hunchback [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 moments of agony and moments of glory 2 march across my roof. 3 the cat walks by 4 seeming to know everything. 5 my luck has been better, I think, 6 than the luck of the cut gladiolus, 7 although I am not sure. 8 I have been loved by many women, 9 and for a hunchback of life, 10 that's lucky. 11 so many fingers pushing through my hair 12 so many arms holding me close 13 so many shoes thrown carelessly on my bedroom 14 rug. 15 so many searching hearts 16 now fixed in my memory that 17 I'll go to my death, 18 remembering. 19 I have been treated better than I should have 20 been--- 21 not by life in general 22 nor by the machinery of things 23 but by women. 24 but there have been other women 25 who have left me [Page 226] 26 standing in the bedroom alone 27 doubled over--- 28 hands holding the gut--- 29 thinking 30 why why why why why why? 31 women go to men who are pigs 32 women go to men with dead souls 33 women go to men who fuck badly 34 women go to shadows of men 35 women go 36 go 37 because they must go 38 in the order of 39 things. 40 the women know better 41 but often chose out of 42 disorder and confusion. 43 they can heal with their touch 44 they can kill what they touch and 45 I am dying 46 but not dead 47 yet. [Page 227] Bukowski, Charles:me and Capote [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 when the phone rings it's usually a man's 2 voice and it's like most other voices because 3 it usually says the same thing: 4 "are you Henry Chinaski, the writer?" 5 "I'm a sometimes writer." 6 "listen, I'm surprised you're listed. well, 7 I want to come over and talk to you, have a 8 few beers with you." 9 "why?" I ask. 10 "I just want to talk." 11 "you don't understand," I say, "there's nothing 12 to talk about. talking brings me down." 13 "but I like your writing." 14 "you can have that." 15 "I just want to come over and talk 16 awhile." 17 "I don't want to talk." 18 "then why are you listed?" 19 "I like to fuck women." 20 "is that why you write?" [Page 228] 21 "I'm like Truman Capote. I write to pay the 22 rent." 23 I hang up. 24 they phone back. 25 I hang up. 26 I don't see what writing has to do with 27 conversation. 28 I also don't see what writing has to do with my 29 getting 3 bad books of poetry a week 30 in the mail. 31 I'm not a priest. 32 I'm not a guru. 33 I probably have more bad moments and self- 34 doubt than any of those who 35 phone me. 36 but when there's a knock on the door 37 and a creature of beauty enters 38 (female) 39 (after phoning) 40 hesitant 41 smiling 42 with delightful curves and magic movements 43 I realize 44 she is more dangerous than 45 all the armies of all time and 46 I know I didn't write my poems for that 47 and then I'm not sure 48 and then I don't know again 49 and then I forget about knowing [Page 229] 50 I get her a drink 51 then go into the bedroom and 52 take the phone off the 53 hook. 54 that's the best way to get 55 unlisted. [Page 230] Bukowski, Charles:the savior: 1970 [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 he comes by unexpectedly 2 long black beard and hair and barefeet 3 or in cheap heavy boots 4 and he tells me he is going to save 5 society from--- 6 those bastards putting oil into the ocean 7 those bastards putting smoke into the sky--- 8 and it's true 9 we are in a bad way 10 and not much is being done 11 and we could finally be nearing the end, 12 so I listen, 13 well, he wants to shut down the sewers. 14 ah, shit, man, I say, don't do that. or at least give me 15 30 days' notice. 16 well, he comes back at 2:30 in the morning 17 rings me out of bed. luckily there is some beer 18 in the refrig. 19 he has a better plan 20 he tells me. 21 he's going to blow up all the dams. the people will be 22 without water. 23 The Man will be forced to do 24 something. 25 he will write The Man a letter 26 full of his demands, 27 or the next dam will go, 28 the next city. 29 look, baby, don't do that. 30 there must be a better way of solving things, [Page 231] 31 I tell 32 him. 33 one of the brothers has deserted us, he tells 34 me. (the brother is suddenly more interested in 35 raising a child than in 36 saving the world). 37 us? he's including me? 38 I'm not writing another poem until 39 the U.S. gets out of 40 Vietnam, he 41 says. 42 well, to my way of looking at it, he hasn't 43 written a poem yet. 44 then I catch his eyes as I put down my beer. 45 I am looking at a madman. 46 care for another beer? I 47 ask. 48 sure, he 49 says. 50 now I haven't studied all of the dams, he says, taking a 51 drink of beer; 52 it may not be feasible in certain areas. might drown some 53 people. we don't want to hurt the 54 people. 55 oh, hell 56 no. 57 he hands me a mimeo pamphlet--- 58 The American Revolution, Part II, [Page 232] 59 5 cents. 60 (since all this is discussed in there 61 I don't feel as if I were betraying a 62 confidence, 63 and I'm for saving the world 64 too). 65 we drink more beer 66 and I try to tell him why blowing up the dams 67 isn't going to 68 work. at least I finally get him not to shut off our 69 shit. but he still wants the 70 dams. 71 you can't ignore the madmen. it has been tried too 72 often. 73 have another beer, 74 kid. 75 the sun is coming up when he leaves. 76 he still wants the dams. he drives off in 77 his truck. 78 I open the phone book. there it is: 79 Sparkletts Water Co. 80 at 8 o'clock I am going to phone them 81 for a bottle to keep in the 82 closet. 83 forget my brother. 84 I am my own 85 keeper. [Page 233] Bukowski, Charles:la femme finie [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 once a fine poetess 2 we see her photo now 3 and know 4 now 5 why she hasn't 6 written 7 lately. [Page 234] Bukowski, Charles:beast [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 my beast comes in the afternoon 2 he gnaws at my gut 3 he paws my head 4 he growls 5 spits out part of me 6 my beast comes in the afternoon 7 while other people are taking pictures 8 while other people are at picnics 9 my beast comes in the afternoon 10 across a dirty kitchen floor 11 leering at me 12 while other people are employed at jobs 13 that stop their thinking 14 my beast allows me to think 15 about him, 16 about graveyards and dementia and fear 17 and stale flowers and decay 18 and the stink of ruined thunder. 19 my beast will not let me be 20 he comes to me in the afternoons 21 and gnaws and claws 22 and I tell him 23 as I double over, hands gripping my gut, 24 jesus, how will I ever explain you to 25 them? they think I am a coward 26 but they are the cowards because they refuse to 27 feel, their bravery is the bravery of 28 snails. [Page 235] 29 my beast is not interested in my unhappy 30 theory---he rips, chews, spits out 31 another piece of 32 me. 33 I walk out the door and he follows me 34 down the street. 35 we pass the lovely laughing schoolgirls 36 the bakery trucks 37 and the sun opens and closes like an oyster 38 swallowing my beast for a moment 39 as I cross at a green light 40 pretending that I have escaped, 41 pretending that I need a loaf of bread or 42 a newspaper, 43 pretending that the beast is gone forever 44 and that the torn parts of me are 45 still there 46 under a blue shirt and green pants 47 as all the faces become walls 48 and all the walls become impossible. [Page 236] Bukowski, Charles:artistic selfishness [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 what's genius? 2 I don't know 3 but I do know that 4 the difference between a madman and a 5 professional is 6 that 7 a pro does as well as he can within what 8 he has set out to do 9 and a madman 10 does exceptionally well at what 11 he can't help 12 doing. 13 now I am looking 14 into this unshaded lightbulb 15 at 11:37 p.m. on a Monday night 16 thinking 17 tiny names 18 like 19 Van Gogh 20 Chatterton 21 Plath 22 Crane 23 Artaud 24 Chinaski. [Page 237] Bukowski, Charles:my literary fly [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 115 degrees 2 not even a turkey could be happy in this heat 3 but it beats burning at the stake, 4 and like my uncle once said 5 (when I asked him how things were going) 6 he said, well, I had breakfast, I had lunch and 7 I think I'm going to have 8 dinner; 9 well, that's us Chinaskis, 10 we don't ask for much and 11 we don't get much, 12 except I have an awful good-looking girlfriend 13 who seems to accept my madness, 14 but still, it's 15 115 degrees. 16 I've got an air-cooler 17 a foot from my head 18 blowing hard 19 but I'm not delivering the 20 goods, as they say, but most people 21 don't like my poetry anyway. 22 but that's all right, because 23 it's 115 degrees and my girlfriend's boys 24 are playing outside 25 on their bicycles 26 and diving into the wading pool 27 while waiting to grow up. 28 for me, 29 it's too hot to fuck 30 too hot to paint [Page 238] 31 too hot to complain, 32 those horses across the road don't even 33 brush off the flies, 34 the flies are too tired and too hot to bite, 35 115 degrees, 36 and if I'm going to conquer the literary world 37 maybe we can get it down to 38 85 degrees first? 39 right now I can't write poetry, 40 I'm panting and lazy and ineffectual, 41 there's a fly on the roller of my typer 42 and he rides back and forth, back and forth, 43 my literary fly, 44 you son-of-a-bitch, get busy, 45 seek ye out another poet and bite him 46 on his ass. 47 I can't understand anything 48 except that it's hot, that's what it is, 49 hot, it's hot today, that's what it is, it's hot, and 50 that guy from Canada I drank with 3 weeks ago, 51 he's probably rolling in the snow right now 52 with Eskimo women and writing all kinds of 53 immortal stuff, but it's just too hot for me. 54 let him. [Page 239] Bukowski, Charles:memory [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 I've memorized all the fish in the sea 2 I've memorized each opportunity strangled 3 and 4 I remember awakening one morning 5 and finding everything smeared with the color of 6 forgotten love 7 and I've memorized 8 that too. 9 I've memorized green rooms in 10 St. Louis and New Orleans 11 where I wept because I knew that by myself I 12 could not overcome 13 the terror of them and it. 14 I've memorized all the unfaithful years 15 (and the faithful ones too) 16 I've memorized each cigarette that I've rolled. 17 I've memorized Beethoven and New York City 18 I've memorized 19 riding up escalators, I've memorized 20 Chicago and cottage cheese, and the mouths of 21 some of the ladies and the legs of 22 some of the ladies 23 I've known 24 and the way the rain came down hard. 25 I've memorized the face of my father in his coffin, 26 I've memorized all the cars I have driven 27 and each of their sad deaths, 28 I've memorized each jail cell, 29 the face of each new president 30 and the faces of some of the assassins; [Page 240] 31 I've even memorized the arguments I've had with 32 some of the women 33 I've loved. 34 best of all 35 I've memorized tonight and now and the way the 36 light falls across my fingers, 37 specks and smears on the wall, 38 shades down behind orange curtains; 39 I light a rolled cigarette and then laugh a little, 40 yes, I've memorized it all. 41 the courage of my memory. [Page 241] Bukowski, Charles:Carlton Way off Western Ave. [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 while the rents go up elsewhere 2 this is where the poor people 3 come to live 4 the people on AFDC and relief 5 the large families with bad jobs 6 the strange lonely men 7 on old age pensions 8 waiting to die. 9 here among the massage parlors 10 the pawn shops 11 the liquor stores 12 caught in the smog and the squalor 13 even the dogs look 14 inept 15 don't bark or 16 chase cats, 17 and the cats walk up and down the 18 streets 19 and never catch a bird 20 but the birds are there 21 but you can't see them 22 you only hear them 23 sometimes in the night 24 at 3:30 a.m. 25 after the last streetwalker has made her 26 last score. 27 the rents go up here too 28 but compared to most others 29 we are living for free 30 because nobody wants to live with the [Page 242] 31 likes of us. 32 none of us have new cars 33 most of us walk 34 and we don't care who wins the 35 election. 36 but we have wife-beaters 37 here too 38 just like the others 39 and child-beaters 40 just like the others 41 and sex freaks 42 and TV sets 43 just like the others 44 and we'll die 45 just like the others 46 only a little earlier and we'll eat 47 just like the others 48 only cheaper stuff 49 and lie 50 just like the others 51 only with a little less 52 imagination. 53 and even though our streetwalkers don't 54 look as good as your wives 55 I think our cats and our birds and dogs 56 are better 57 and don't forget the low 58 rents. [Page 243] Bukowski, Charles:at the zoo [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 here's a male giraffe 2 he wants it 3 but the female's not ready 4 and male leans against her 5 he wants it 6 he pushes against her 7 follows her around 8 those tiny heads up in the sky 9 their eyes are pools of brown 10 the necks rock 11 they bump 12 walk about 13 2 ungainly forms 14 stretching up in the air 15 those stupid legs 16 those stupid necks 17 he wants it 18 she doesn't care 19 this is the way the gods have arranged it 20 for the moment: 21 one caring 22 one not caring 23 and the people watch 24 and throw peanuts and candy wrappers 25 and chunks of green and blue popsicles 26 they don't care either. 27 that's the way the gods have 28 arranged it 29 for now. [Page 244] Bukowski, Charles:coke blues [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 if you think some women want only your love 2 try giving them some coke 3 they won't remember the 4 color of your eyes 5 or what you whispered in their 6 ear. 7 but lay out some lines 8 and give them a matchstick 9 (to prove they are professional) 10 and 11 unlike a woman in love 12 they will return 13 faithfully. 14 and one must admit 15 that faith in any 16 form 17 is 18 probably 19 better than the 20 indifference of deserted 21 sidewalks. 22 and then one 23 wonders 24 again. [Page 245] Bukowski, Charles:nobody home [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 I live in this nice 2 place 3 but I'm seldom there 4 day or night, 5 all the shades down 6 I'm not in 7 there. 8 sometimes I think I'd like 9 to bake a cake 10 but I'm never there long enough for 11 the oven to get 12 warm. 13 I'm not there to answer the 14 phone. 15 I get the mail and 16 leave. 17 290 bucks rent plus 18 utilities. 19 I used to be a hermit. 20 a hot woman can pull a man 21 right out of his 22 shell. right out of his skin 23 if she wants 24 to. 25 if I ever get that cake baked 26 you're going to see some 27 fine 28 work. 29 you can see the mountains from my window [Page 246] 30 it's a block from Sunset Boulevard. 31 most interesting cracks in the ceiling from 32 the last earthquake. 33 and when you knock 34 the broken screen will sometimes fall 35 and dogs will run by like the Hollywood wind. 36 the note you leave will be read, then 37 forgotten. 38 when a hot woman meets a hermit 39 one of them is going to 40 change. [Page 247] Bukowski, Charles:woman in the supermarket [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 you don't think you'll find anybody in there 2 at 9:30 a.m. 3 I was rolling my cart along and 4 she blocked me off with her cart between the 5 cheese section, the homemade pickles and the clerk 6 who was stamping jars of newly-arrived green 7 olives. I put it in reverse and 8 ran through the produce section, found a 9 good buy on navel oranges, 60 cents a pound, 10 picked up some cabbage and green onions, rolled 11 out and to the east, she was standing in front of the 12 Bran Flakes and the Wheaties, skirt about 3 inches 13 above the knee and tight-fitting. she had on a 14 see-through blouse with a very brief brassiere. 15 she had slim ankles, flat brown shoes and eyes like 16 a startled doe. 17 she smelled of cherry blossoms and French perfume. 18 36 years old and unhappy in marriage, 19 her basket was still empty. I pushed past. her eyes 20 were a rich mad brown. all the meats were priced too 21 high. I found 2 day-old spencer steaks and one 22 marked-down sirloin, so I took those, got a dozen medium 23 eggs, and there she was in the frozen vegetable section, 24 the mad brown eyes more unhappy than ever. 25 I lowered my head and pushed past and as I did she 26 managed to brush her rump against my flank. I got some 27 frozen peas, some baby limas, I rushed through the bread 28 section, 29 decided my shopping was done, got in the checkout 30 line and was standing there when I felt a leg pressed 31 against me from ankle to waist. I stood silent smelling 32 the cherry blossoms and French perfume as she lit a cigarette. [Page 248] 33 I took my bags, walked to the parking lot and got into my 34 car, started it, backed out, turned south and 35 there she was standing in front of me, smiling and staring. 36 my car stalled as I watched 37 her climb into hers, hiking her skirt very high, full fat 38 thighs, flashes of pink panty, I got out of there fast, got 39 back to my kitchen, put the groceries on the table, 40 took the 41 things out of the bags and started putting them 42 away. [Page 249] Bukowski, Charles:fast track [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 jesus christ 2 the horses again 3 I mean I said I'd never bet the horses 4 again 5 what am I doing standing out here 6 betting the horses? 7 anybody can go to the racetrack but 8 not everybody can 9 write a sonnet ... 10 the racetrack crowd is the lowest of the breed 11 thinking their brains can outfox the 12 15 percent take. 13 what am I doing here? 14 if my publisher knew I was blowing my royalties, 15 if those guys in San Diego 16 and the one in Detroit who send me money 17 (a couple of fives and a ten) 18 or the collector in Jerome, Arizona 19 who paid me for some paintings, 20 if they knew 21 what would 22 they think? 23 jesus christ, I'm playing the starving poet who is 24 creating great Art. 25 I walk up to the bar with my girlfriend, 26 she's a handsome creature in hotpants 27 with long dark hair, 28 I order a scotch and water, [Page 250] 29 she orders a screwdriver 30 jesus christ 31 I don't have a chance 32 did Vallejo, Lorca and 33 Shelley have to go through 34 this? 35 I drink some of the scotch and 36 water and think, 37 the proper mix of the woman and the poem 38 is infinite Art. 39 then I sit down with my 40 Racing Form 41 and get back 42 to work. [Page 251] Bukowski, Charles:hanging there on the wall [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 I used to look across the room 2 and think, 3 this female will surely do me 4 in 5 and it's not worth 6 it. 7 but I'd do nothing about it 8 and I wasn't 9 lonely. 10 it was more like a space to 11 fill in with something; 12 like on a canvas, 13 you can keep painting something on it 14 even if it isn't very 15 good. 16 "what are you thinking 17 about, you bastard?" she would 18 say. 19 "painting." 20 "painting? you nuts? 21 pour me a drink!" 22 and I would, and then I'd brush her 23 in, drink in hand, sitting 24 in a chair, legs crossed, kicking 25 her high-heeled shoes. 26 I'd brush her in, bad tempered, 27 spoiled, loud. [Page 252] 28 a painting nobody would ever 29 see 30 except me. [Page 253] Bukowski, Charles:the hookers, the madmen and the doomed [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 today at the track 2 2 or 3 days after 3 the death of the 4 jock 5 came this voice 6 over the speaker 7 asking us all to stand 8 and observe 9 a few moments 10 of silence. well, 11 that's a tired 12 formula and 13 I don't like it 14 but I do like 15 silence. so we 16 all stood: the 17 hookers and the 18 madmen and the 19 doomed. I was 20 set to be dis- 21 pleased but then 22 I looked up at the 23 TV screen 24 and there 25 standing silently 26 in the paddock 27 waiting to mount 28 up 29 stood the other jocks 30 along with 31 the officials and 32 the trainers: [Page 254] 33 quiet and thinking 34 of death and the 35 one gone, 36 they stood 37 in a semi-circle 38 the brave little 39 men in boots and 40 silks, 41 the legions of death 42 appeared and 43 vanished, the sun 44 blinked once 45 I thought of love 46 with its head ripped 47 off 48 still trying to 49 sing and 50 then the announcer 51 said, thank you 52 and we all went on about 53 our business. [Page 255] Bukowski, Charles:looking for Jack [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 like the rest of us, Jack didn't always shine too brightly: 2 "the whole game is run by the fags and the Jews," he'd say, 3 stamping up and down on my rug, grey hair hanging over hook 4 nose 5 (he was a Jew); "look, Hank, lemme have a five ..." 6 walking out and around the block, 7 coming back, stamping on the floor, 8 he wanted to get the game rolling, he wanted to conquer 9 the world. 10 "damn you, Jack, I usually sleep till noon ..." 11 he had a little black book filled with names, 12 touches, contacts. 13 I drove him to a large place in the Hollywood hills 14 and he woke the guy up. the guy was good for 15 $20. 16 "they owe it to us," Jack said. 17 whenever he got a little ahead---that meant 40 or 50 bucks--- 18 he'd take it to the track and lose it all, 19 have to walk back. 20 "nobody beats the horses, Hank, nobody, we're all losers, poets 21 are losers, who gives a damn about the poets?" 22 "nobody, Jack, I don't like 'em much myself ..." 23 he showed me early photos when he was a young man in 24 Brooklyn. 25 he was quite handsome, quite manly, at the cutting edge of the 26 Beat 27 movement. but the Beats died off and Jack's been crashing ever 28 since. when his father died he left Jack 5 or ten grand 29 and he got married and blew it in Spain--- 30 his wife ended up in bed with a Spanish mayor. 31 Jack can still lay down the line [Page 256] 32 and when he does it well 33 he's still one of the best in the game 34 and you forget his complaining and his bumming 35 and his demand that a poet should get special grace. 36 he came out with some powerhouse poems 37 in a Calif. magazine 38 and the editor wrote me 39 asking where Jack was 40 so he could mail him contributor's copies. 41 well, Jack is not the suicide type 42 so I've been writing around and I get back 43 answers. 44 "no, he's not here, thank god." 45 and: 46 "who gives a damn?" 47 well, Jack's not all that bad, 48 especially when he forgets the bullshit and sits down to the 49 typer. 50 so if you know where he is, 51 write me, Henry Chinaski, 52 I haven't completely given up on him 53 even if once 54 in New York 55 he did piss on Barney Rosset's shoe 56 at a party. [Page 257] Bukowski, Charles:apprentices [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 he used to sit in his bedroom slippers 2 and a silken robe 3 his jaw hanging open 4 pouches under the eyes. 5 they kept coming to see him 6 bringing wine and pills and 7 conversation. 8 the old and the young came to 9 see him. 10 he had been a very good poet 11 in the 30's and 40's 12 and maybe in the 50's. 13 for some reason 14 in the 70's he settled on 15 (and in) 16 New York 17 City. 18 it was rather like coming to see God 19 when you came to see 20 him. 21 and his conversation was good 22 especially after the wine and 23 pills. 24 he had style and grace, was 25 hardly 26 addled. 27 he smoked too much and the cigarettes 28 made him sicker than 29 anything. he used to spit in the paper 30 bag at his [Page 258] 31 feet. 32 he had many visitors and held his 33 drink well. 34 at the end of an evening he would select one 35 young female admirer to stay. 36 then she would 37 suck him off. 38 he's gone now. 39 those young admirers 40 never developed into the fine writer 41 he was. of course, 42 there's still time. [Page 259] Bukowski, Charles:38,000-to-one [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 it was during a reading at the University of Utah. 2 the poets ran out of drinks 3 and while one was reading 4 2 or 3 of the others 5 got into a car 6 to drive to a liquor store 7 but we were blocked on the road 8 by the cars coming to the football stadium. 9 we were the only car that wanted to go the other way, 10 they had us: 38,000-to-one. 11 we sat in our lane and honked. 12 400 cars honked back. 13 the cop came over. 14 "look, officer," I said, "we're poets and we need a drink." 15 "turn around and to to the stadium," said 16 the officer. 17 "look, we need a drink. we don't want to see the 18 football game. we don't care who wins. we're poets, we're 19 reading at the Underwater Poetry Festival 20 at the University of Utah!" 21 "traffic can only move one way," said the cop, 22 "turn your car around and go to the stadium." 23 "look, I'm reading in 15 minutes. I'm Henry Chinaski! 24 you've heard of me, haven't you?" 25 "turn your car around and go to the stadium!" said the cop. 26 "shit," said Betsy who was at the wheel, 27 and she ran the car up over the curb 28 and we drove across the campus lawn 29 leaving tire marks an inch deep. 30 I was a bit tipsy and I don't know how long we drove 31 or how we got there 32 but suddenly we were all standing in a liquor store [Page 260] 33 and we bought wine, vodka, beer, scotch, got it and left. 34 we drove back, 35 got back there, read the ass right off that audience, 36 picked up our checks and left to applause. 37 UCLA won the football game 38 something to something. [Page 261] Bukowski, Charles:a touch of steel [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 we had the nicest old guy 2 living in the back--- 3 tall, thin, stately 4 with an open direct stare 5 and an easy smile. 6 his wife was squat 7 bow-legged, 8 wore black 9 looked down at the sidewalk 10 and mumbled. 11 she didn't comb her hair and 12 was usually drunk. 13 they'd walk past us as we sat on 14 the porch. 15 "he's a real nice old guy," 16 my girlfriend would say. 17 "sure," I'd agree. 18 they had a daughter with aluminum 19 crutches who wore a white 20 nightgown and blue bathrobe 21 when she watered the 22 small brown patch 23 of lawn out front. 24 one day the daughter came out 25 on her crutches and started 26 screaming. 27 someone went inside and the man 28 had knifed his wife. 29 the police arrived and handcuffed 30 him and walked him [Page 262] 31 out to the street and 32 then the ambulance came and 33 they rolled her out 34 on a stretcher with wheels. 35 the daughter went back inside 36 swinging on her crutches 37 and closed the door. 38 ---which proves what I've 39 always said: 40 never trust a man with 41 an open direct stare 42 and an easy smile 43 especially 44 if he smokes a pipe. 45 (I never saw 46 the nice old guy in back 47 smoke a pipe 48 but the way I see it 49 he must have.) [Page 263] Bukowski, Charles:brown and solemn [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 the dog jumps up on the bed 2 crawls over me. 3 "are you the Word?" I ask him. 4 he doesn't answer. 5 "are you the Word? I'm looking for the Word." 6 he has brown and solemn eyes. 7 "I'm waiting for the Word," I tell him, 8 "I'm walking around like a man 9 in a large hot 10 frying pan." 11 he wags his tail and tries to 12 lick my face. 13 "listen," she says from the bathroom, 14 "why don't you get out of bed 15 and stop talking to that dog?" 16 my parents didn't understand me 17 either. [Page 264] Bukowski, Charles:time [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 one collapses and surrenders 2 not out of choice 3 or lack of intelligence 4 or bad teeth 5 or bad diet 6 one surrenders 7 because that's the BEST MOVIE 8 around. 9 once I was so disgusted 10 with the working of things 11 that I dialed the time 12 and listened to the voice 13 over and over again: 14 "it's now 10:18 and 20 seconds 15 it's now 10:18 and 30 seconds ..." 16 I didn't like the voice 17 and I didn't care what time it was 18 yet I listened. 19 satisfied now 20 I'm glad somebody stole my last watch 21 it was so difficult to read 22 satisfied now 23 I've got a new one 24 it has a black face and [Page 265] 25 white hands 26 and I sit there and watch 27 the second hand 28 the minute hand 29 the hour hand 30 as outside 31 caterpillars crawl my walls 32 and finally fall 33 like empires 34 like old dead loves 35 and new loves 36 fall. 37 night's best 38 with my black-faced watch 39 with white hands. [Page 266] Bukowski, Charles:nobody knows the trouble I've seen [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 stupefied after a week's drinking and 2 gambling bout 3 I am in the tub at 10:30 in the morning 4 shaky 5 depressed 6 when the phone rings 7 and it's this young girl who sings 8 folk songs; 9 she's quit with her man 10 thrown his clothes out, she tells 11 me. 12 I tell her how those things work--- 13 you're together then split 14 together then split 15 over and over 16 again. 17 yeh, she says, wanna hear my new 18 song? sure, I say, and she sings it to me 19 over the telephone. 20 now I am sitting on the edge of the couch 21 naked, wet, 22 listening, thinking, damn I'd like to stick it 23 into you, baby, 24 and I laugh, the song is funny, 25 and I say I like it, and she says, 26 I'm glad. 27 and I say, look, I've got to shape up and 28 make the track. keep in 29 touch. 30 I will, she says. 31 then I have a couple of Alka Seltzers 32 and an hour later [Page 267] 33 I leave, and 6 hours later 34 I have lost 35 five hundred dollars. 36 when I get in 37 I walk over to the phone 38 pick it up 39 then put it back 40 down. 41 nobody wants to hear your troubles, 42 I think, and that young girl doesn't want 43 an 44 old 45 man. 46 I turn on the radio 47 and the music is very gloomy. 48 I turn it off, 49 undress, go to the bedroom 50 pull down the shades and turn out all 51 the lights 52 and get into bed 53 and stare at the blackness, 54 stone cold crazy 55 once again. [Page 268] Bukowski, Charles:the way it works [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 she came out at 9:30 a.m. in the morning 2 and knocked at the manager's door: 3 "my husband is dead!" 4 they went to the back of the building together 5 and the process began: 6 first the fire dept. sent two men 7 in dark shirts and pants 8 in vehicle #27 9 and the manager and the lady and the 10 two men went inside as she 11 sobbed. 12 he had knifed her last April and 13 had done 6 months for that. 14 the two men in dark shirts came out 15 got in their vehicle 16 and drove away. 17 then two policemen came. 18 then a doctor (he probably was there to 19 sign the death certificate). 20 I became tired of looking out the 21 window and began to 22 read the latest issue of 23 The New Yorker. 24 when I looked again there was a nice 25 sensitive-looking gray-haired gentleman 26 walking slowly up and down the 27 sidewalk in a dark suit. 28 then he waved in a black [Page 269] 29 hearse which 30 drove right up on the lawn and stopped 31 next to my porch. 32 two men got out of the hearse 33 opened up the back 34 and pulled out a gurney with 4 35 wheels. they rolled it to the back of the 36 building. when they came out again he was in a 37 black zipper bag and she was in 38 obvious distress. 39 they put him in the 40 hearse and then walked back to 41 her apartment and went inside 42 again. 43 I had to take out my laundry and 44 run some other errands. 45 Linda was coming to visit and 46 I was worried about her seeing that 47 hearse parked next to my porch. 48 so I left a note pinned to my door 49 that said: Linda, Don't worry. 50 I'm ok. and 51 then I took my dirty laundry to my car and 52 drove away. 53 when I got back the hearse was gone and 54 Linda hadn't arrived yet. 55 I took the note from the door and 56 went inside. 57 well, I thought, that old guy in back 58 he was about my age and 59 we saw each other every day but 60 we never spoke to one another. 61 now we wouldn't have to. [Page 270] Bukowski, Charles:bright lights and serpents [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 oftentimes I can't separate the 2 people from bright lights 3 and serpents. 4 in the supermarket 5 I see them standing and waiting 6 or pushing their carts. 7 I see rumps and ears and eyes 8 and skin and mouths, and 9 I feel curiously detached. 10 I suppose I fear them or 11 I fear their difference and 12 I step aside as they 13 pick up rolls of toilet paper, 14 apricots, heads of lettuce. 15 today I saw a man 16 less than 3 feet tall. 17 he was shorter than his 18 shopping basket as he 19 stood angrily in the aisle 20 looping steaks into his shopping 21 cart. 22 for a moment I felt like 23 touching him and saying, 24 "so you're different too?" 25 but I moved on as the 26 lights glared and 27 serpents abounded. 28 my total at the register 29 was $46.42 30 I paid the cashier whose [Page 271] 31 teeth kept watching me. 32 without warning 33 a bolt of lightning 34 flashed past my left ear 35 and flickered out in the fresh 36 egg section. then 37 I picked up my bag and 38 walked out to the parking 39 lot. [Page 272] Bukowski, Charles:mean and stingy [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 oh, we don't give enough parties, 2 I just love to dance, 3 we never see anybody, 4 where have we gone lately?: 5 to one poetry reading. 6 you go to the racetrack 7 and you only make love to me 8 when you feel like it 9 when you're not hung over 10 when you're not tired from the 11 track. 12 it's the same thing over and over 13 again. 14 I'm afraid to invite people 15 here because you'll insult them. 16 you're supposed to be the greatest 17 poet in East Hollywood 18 but you're mean and stingy, 19 you claim we have a great relationship 20 you claim you like my kids, 21 but when I lost $75 at the track 22 you didn't reimburse me. 23 you give me very little. 24 we don't see anybody 25 it's just the same thing over and 26 over again, 27 don't you know that life can be 28 interesting? I'm so bored, bored, 29 bored, bored, I'm about to go 30 crazy! 31 o.k., I say, and hang up. [Page 273] 32 now she can get un-bored. 33 I wonder who will un-bore her 34 first? 35 probably a bore. an unemployed actor 36 with asthma who likes the 37 3 Stooges. 38 what she doesn't realize is 39 that---usually---only boring people 40 get bored. 41 and before you do 42 I'll hang up this 43 poem. [Page 274] Bukowski, Charles:$100 [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 the old woman with the dog 2 on the rope leash 3 asked me about the 4 room 5 her dress was shapeless, 6 filthy and ragged at the hem 7 and her dog was frightened 8 stunned 9 shocked 10 quivering. 11 I told her the landlord was 12 not home 13 and that the room was 14 in the back on the 15 2nd floor, and was 16 $100. 17 $100? she asked 18 yes 19 I 20 said. 21 she said 22 oh ... 23 can I pet your 24 dog? 25 I asked. [Page 275] 26 she said 27 yes. 28 the dog would not 29 trust me 30 it ducked and pulled away and I stepped 31 back. 32 they walked away together down between the 33 bungalows 34 down the steps and 35 off 36 toward 37 Western 38 Avenue. 39 her dog's 40 eyes 41 were more lovely 42 than those of any woman I have 43 ever known. [Page 276] Bukowski, Charles:this particular war [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 gutted: 2 sunk like the German navy 3 the Japanese fleet 4 gutted: 5 no air power 6 no reserves 7 no recourse 8 gutted: 9 as a mouse runs across the floor 10 gutted: 11 as I watch a useless blue telephone 12 cord 13 25 feet long 14 gutted: 15 again 16 the roads are muddied 17 banked with dirty snow 18 as everything continues: 19 fry-cooks 20 traffic signals 21 somebody now pounding a nail 22 into a wall. 23 gutted: 24 the whole thing no more than a decimal point 25 as she now sings her old song to her 26 new lover. [Page 277] Bukowski, Charles:German bar [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 I had lost the last race big 2 somebody had stolen my coat 3 I could feel the flu coming on 4 and my tires were 5 low. I went in to get a 6 beer at the German bar 7 but the waitress was having a fit 8 her heart strangled by disappointment 9 grief and loss. 10 women get troubled all at once, 11 you know. I left a tip 12 and got out. 13 nobody wins. 14 ask Caesar. [Page 278] Bukowski, Charles:floor job [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 she has a new apartment 2 and I stretch out on the couch 3 smoking 4 while she scrubs the floor 5 kneeling in her blue jeans 6 I see that beautiful big ass 7 and her long hair falls almost to the floor. 8 I have been in that body a few times 9 never enough times, of course, 10 but I consider my luck sufficient. 11 I no longer want to make her totally mine, 12 just my share will do 13 and it's a far more comfortable arrangement: 14 I have no need for exclusive possession. 15 let her have others 16 then she'll know who's best at heart. 17 otherwise she'll likely consider herself 18 unduly trapped. 19 but what a show now: 20 those blue jeans so tight 21 there's nothing so magical as a woman's ass 22 (unless it be some other part). 23 I don't want to die just yet 24 so now and then I look away 25 at a curtain or down into the 26 ashtray or at a dresser. 27 then I look back [Page 279] 28 and all the parts 29 are still there. 30 I hear soft sounds from the night outside 31 and I am happy. [Page 280] Bukowski, Charles:the icecream people [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 the lady has me temporarily off the bottle 2 and now the pecker stands up 3 better. 4 however, things change overnight--- 5 instead of listening to Shostakovitch and 6 Mozart through a smeared haze of smoke 7 the nights change, new 8 complexities: 9 we drive to Baskin-Robbins, 10 31 flavors: 11 Rocky Road, Bubble Gum, Apricot Ice, Strawberry 12 Cheesecake, Chocolate Mint ... 13 we park outside and look at the icecream 14 people 15 a very healthy and satisfied people, 16 nary a potential suicide in sight 17 (they probably even vote) 18 and I tell her 19 "what if the boys saw me go in there? suppose they 20 find out I'm going in for a walnut peach sundae?" 21 "come on, chicken," she laughs and we go in 22 and stand with the icecream people. 23 none of them are cursing or threatening 24 the clerks. 25 there seem to be no hangovers or 26 grievances. 27 I am alarmed at the placid and calm wave 28 that flows about. I feel like a leper in a 29 beauty contest. we finally get our sundaes and 30 sit in the car and eat them. [Page 281] 31 I must admit they are quite good. a curious new 32 world. (all my friends tell me I am looking 33 better. "you're looking good, man, we thought you 34 were going to die there for a while ...") 35 ---those 4,500 dark nights, the jails, the 36 hospitals ... 37 and later that night 38 there is use for the pecker, use for 39 love, and it is glorious, 40 long and true, 41 and afterwards we speak of easy things; 42 our heads by the open window with the moonlight 43 looking through, we sleep in each other's 44 arms. 45 the icecream people make me feel good, 46 inside and out. [Page 282] Bukowski, Charles:like a cherry seed in the throat [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 naked in that bright 2 light 3 the four horse falls 4 and throws a 112 pound 5 boy into the hooves 6 of 35,000 eyes. 7 good night, sweet 8 little 9 motherfucker. [Page 283] 3 the beads swing and the clouds obscure [Page 285] Bukowski, Charles:the ordinary café of the world [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 new worlds shine in the dust 2 come up through the slums of the mind only 3 to choke on mosquito 4 ideas. 5 it's most difficult 6 like eating a salad 7 in the ordinary café of the world; 8 it's most difficult 9 to create art 10 here. 11 look about. the pieces to work with are 12 missing. they must be created or 13 found. 14 the critics should be generous and the critics are 15 seldom 16 generous. 17 they think it's easy to 18 put out water with fire. 19 but there's been no wasted effort 20 no matter what they've done 21 to us: 22 the critics 23 the lost women 24 the lost jobs, 25 damn them all anyhow 26 they're hardly as interesting as 27 this ordinary café, this ordinary world, 28 we know there should be a better place, [Page 286] 29 an easier place, 30 but there's not; 31 that's our secret 32 and it's not 33 much. 34 but it's enough. 35 we have chosen the ordinary, 36 withering fire. 37 to create art means 38 to be crazy alone 39 forever. [Page 287] Bukowski, Charles:on shaving [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 miraculous 2 to grow old 3 through the wars & the women 4 rainy nights 5 stubbed toes 6 toothaches 7 walls 8 landladies 9 jails 10 hospitals 11 nightmares 12 I only shave a little 13 under the nose & 14 a touch below each 15 cheekbone & 16 the neck 17 under the chin 18 the remainder remains--- 19 hair & man 20 miraculous 21 to grow old 22 through the wars & the women 23 that I did not become a great boxer 24 with much courage 25 does not matter 26 even though it was my 27 desire [Page 288] 28 I look at my hands shaving 29 my face 30 & my nose is too long 31 my cheeks sag 32 my teeth are my own (though I suppose 33 half are missing) 34 & I'm aware of ghosts & spirits & clouds 35 & blood & weeping & skeletons & 36 much more 37 it's warm tonight & 38 quiet while 39 shaving 40 & sometimes when I am ready to sleep & 41 I am upon my back 42 I think 43 yes 44 it's all been very 45 nice 46 face up 47 hands by side 48 gliding through the 49 years 50 miraculous 51 to grow old 52 though the wars & the women 53 & not to murder it by 54 thinking 55 too much about 56 it all 57 rather, [Page 289] 58 letting it all be 59 whatever it was/is 60 shaving is something like 61 seeing yourself in a 62 movie 63 the cup of soap takes on a 64 gentleness & the brush & the 65 mirror too 66 miraculous 67 to grow old & 68 shave 69 all the years of agony 70 now 71 seem almost 72 unimportant 73 & to shave an old face 74 allows the thoughts to be 75 steady and kind like 76 the electric light 77 above the 78 mirror 79 I hear an airplane 80 overhead 81 & there's a man flying 82 so high there 83 alone 84 making the sound 85 that comes through the ceiling and then 86 fades away [Page 290] 87 I listen to a dog barking 88 someplace in this 89 neighborhood & I 90 rinse the razor & place it behind 91 the mirror on the wall. [Page 291] Bukowski, Charles:school days [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 I'm in bed. 2 it's morning 3 and I hear: 4 where are your socks? 5 please get dressed! 6 why does it take you so long to 7 get dressed? 8 where's the brush? 9 all right, I'll give you a head 10 band! 11 what time is it? 12 where's the clock? 13 where did you put the clock? 14 aren't you dressed yet? 15 where's the brush? 16 where's your sandwich? 17 did you make a sandwich? 18 I'll make your sandwich. 19 honey and peanut butter. 20 and an orange. 21 there. 22 where's the brush? 23 I'll use a comb. 24 all right, holler. you lost the brush! 25 where did you lose the brush? 26 all right. now isn't that better? 27 where's your coat? 28 go find your coat. 29 your coat has to be around somewhere! 30 listen, what are you doing? 31 what are you playing with? 32 now you've spilled it all! [Page 292] 33 I hear them open the door 34 go down the stairway, 35 get into the car. 36 I hear them drive away. they are gone, 37 down the hill 38 on the way to 39 nursery school. [Page 293] Bukowski, Charles:neither a borrower nor a lender be [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 I'm at the racetrack every day 2 and he is too. 3 he used to be in the movie 4 industry. 5 I know him because somebody 6 I know knows him. 7 you know how that goes: 8 I really don't know him. 9 anyway, day after day, 10 he sees 11 me. 12 he yells my name. 13 my last name. 14 I'll shout a greeting 15 back. 16 once in a while there 17 will be a small 18 conversation, but not 19 much. 20 the other day 21 I was turning from the 22 window, money still 23 in hand, had made a 24 minor score, 20 win 25 on a horse that paid 26 $11.80 (that's 27 one hundred eighteen 28 dollars) 29 and he was 30 standing 31 there. [Page 294] 32 "how you doing?" 33 he asked. 34 "I got lucky," 35 I answered. 36 "I haven't hit a 37 thing," he said, 38 "been dropping 39 between 1500 and 40 two thousand a 41 day." 42 "why don't you 43 go home?" I asked. 44 "lay down and take 45 a rest?" 46 he put his hand 47 out. 48 in it was a quarter 49 and a 50 dime. 51 "I don't have 52 enough for a 53 bet. 54 can you loan 55 me 56 something? 57 anything?" 58 it was the 59 6th race. 60 I hesitated, 61 then handed [Page 295] 62 him a 63 20. 64 "thanks, I'll see 65 you tomorrow." 66 and then he 67 was 68 gone. 69 although I did 70 see him after 71 the 6th race 72 his head was down 73 and he was 74 slowly 75 walking 76 along. 77 I moved off and 78 took a 79 seat. 80 I didn't see him 81 any more that 82 day. 83 or the next. 84 or the 85 next. 86 or the next 87 week. 88 maybe he's working 89 in the movie industry 90 again. 91 he's a nicer guy 92 than most, [Page 296] 93 I almost like 94 him. 95 or maybe he's still 96 at the track, 97 hiding out. 98 it's embarrassing. 99 I don't need the 100 20 that much. 101 they've been running 102 good. 103 and now I'm almost 104 afraid I'll see him 105 out there. 106 it's almost as if I was 107 in debt to 108 him. 109 Shakespeare had it 110 right. [Page 297] Bukowski, Charles:sometimes even putting a nickel into a parking meter feels good--- [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 precious grenades inside my skull, 2 I'd rather grow roses than nurture self-pity, 3 but sometimes it really begins to tell on me 4 and I have visions of house trailers and 5 hookers slipping into giant volcanic cracks 6 just south of Santa Barbara. 7 I guess what makes me feel better 8 are the truly sane: the motorcycle cop 9 in a clean uniform who gives me a ticket and 10 then rides away on two wheels like a man 11 who never had an itchy crotch. 12 or the Southern California Gas Company man 13 will ill-fitting dentures 14 who knocks on my door at 8:15 a.m. and 15 lights up the room with his piranha smile. 16 yes, 17 the real miracles are the thousands of tiny 18 people who know exactly what they are doing. 19 I used to look for inspiration in higher 20 places 21 but the higher you go 22 like to Plato or God 23 the less space there is in which to 24 stand. 25 check it out some day. you're driving down 26 the street and there's a guy hanging onto 27 the end of a hydraulic jack [Page 298] 28 sweat bathing his naked gut 29 his eyes slitted as his 30 body shakes and trembles 31 but he holds on as if to an ultimate truth, and 32 you smile and 33 you put it into second gear 34 check the rearview mirror and think, 35 yes, I can make it too, and you light a 36 cigarette with one hand 37 turn on the radio with the other 38 and let the good life roll along like 39 that. [Page 299] Bukowski, Charles:Mahler [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 the phone rings and somebody says, 2 "hey, they made a movie about 3 Mahler. you ought to go see it. 4 he was as fucked-up as you are." 5 the phone rings again. it's 6 somebody else: "you ought to see 7 that Mahler movie. when you get high 8 you always talk about Mahler's music." 9 it's true: I like the way 10 Mahler wandered about in his 11 music and still retained his 12 passion. 13 he must have looked like an 14 earthquake walking down the 15 street. 16 he was a gambler and he shot 17 the works 18 but I'd feel foolish 19 walking into a movie house. 20 I make my own 21 movies. 22 I am the best kind of German: 23 in love with the music 24 of a great Jew. [Page 300] Bukowski, Charles:fellow countryman [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 at the track 2 heard the voice behind me, 3 "Hank ..." 4 I turned and here was this 5 German youth, 6 maybe age 34, 7 needed a shave, beer on his 8 breath. 9 "I know you don't like to 10 be bothered ... but I have 11 this book ..." 12 "all right, kid, look I have 13 to find a place ..." 14 I took the book over to 15 a trash can, put it on 16 top, asked his name, 17 autographed it, 18 handed it back. 19 "I am shaking," he 20 said. 21 "it's all right," I said, 22 "I'm just a horseplayer." 23 "I've been looking for 24 you many days ..." 25 "kid," I said, "listen to 26 me, I can't drink with you [Page 301] 27 or pal with you. 28 I have to leave 29 now." 30 "oh, I understand," 31 he said. 32 that was good. 33 I didn't see him anymore 34 that day. 35 the next day I was 36 sitting alone in a small box 37 section. 38 then I heard a voice behind 39 me. 40 "hello, Hank," it said. 41 I didn't answer. 42 "who do you like in this 43 race?" he asked. 44 "I mean, out of all your 45 experience, who do 46 you like?" 47 I turned. 48 it was my friend of 49 yesterday. 50 he had another book 51 in his lap. 52 I recognized it. 53 it was full of photographs 54 and writing about one of 55 my trips to [Page 302] 56 Europe. 57 I grabbed him by the 58 throat, shook him a bit, 59 then took the book, ripped down 60 his pants, his shorts and 61 jammed the book up his 62 ass, 63 then I lifted him up over my 64 head, 65 carried him down to the 66 railing, 67 tossed him onto the 68 track 69 where the 6 horse 70 on post parade 71 stepped onto the middle of 72 his back. 73 his eyeballs 74 squirted out 75 and rolled around 76 looking for 77 Andernach 78 and I got up and 79 went to the bar 80 for a pretzel and a 81 beer. [Page 303] Bukowski, Charles:the young man on the bus stop bench [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 he sits all day at the bus stop 2 at Sunset and Western 3 his sleeping bag beside him. 4 he's dirty. 5 nobody bothers him. 6 people leave him alone. 7 the police leave him alone. 8 he could be the 2nd coming of Christ 9 but I doubt it. 10 the soles of his shoes are completely 11 gone. 12 he just laces the tops on 13 and sits and watches traffic. 14 I remember my own youthful days 15 (although I traveled lighter) 16 they were similar: 17 park benches 18 street corners 19 tarpaper shacks in Georgia for 20 $1.25 a week 21 not wanting the skid row church 22 hand-outs 23 too crazy to apply for relief 24 daytimes spent laying in public parks 25 bugs in the grass biting 26 looking into the sky 27 little insects whirling above my head 28 the breathing of white air 29 just breathing and waiting. 30 life becomes difficult: [Page 304] 31 being ignored 32 and ignoring. 33 everything turns into white air 34 the head fills with white air 35 and as invisible women sit in rooms 36 with successful bright-eyed young men 37 conversing brilliantly about everything 38 your sex drive 39 vanishes and it really 40 doesn't matter. 41 you don't want food 42 you don't want shelter 43 you don't want anything. 44 sometimes you die 45 sometimes you don't. 46 as I drive past 47 the young man on the bus stop bench 48 I am comfortable in my automobile 49 I have money in two different banks 50 I own my own home 51 but he reminds me of my young self 52 and I want to help him 53 but I don't know what to do. 54 today when I drove past again 55 he was gone 56 I suppose finally the world wasn't 57 pleased with him being there. 58 the bench still sits there on the corner 59 advertising something. [Page 305] Bukowski, Charles:computer class [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 sitting in a computer class, 2 first of two three-hour 3 sessions. 4 I am being sucked into the New 5 Age. 6 my wife is there too. 7 there are three others. 8 the computer-whiz-boy 9 whisks us through 10 our paces. 11 we each sit in front of 12 a computer 13 working our mouse, 14 not wanting to be 15 left out, 16 not wanting to seem 17 dumb, 18 not wanting to be 19 found out. 20 there is a desperation 21 in that room. 22 and besides, we've 23 paid for all 24 this. 25 "what!" says a nervous 26 blonde lady, 27 "how can I take notes? 28 I can't keep up!" 29 "take mental 30 notes," says [Page 306] 31 the computer-whiz- 32 boy. 33 he smiles. 34 the night envelops us as 35 we work 36 on. 37 once an impulse struck 38 me, 39 to leap up and 40 scream: 41 "shit! that's enough! 42 I can't handle 43 this!" 44 what stopped me 45 was that I knew that 46 it was all simple 47 enough, 48 it was only a matter 49 of learning the 50 routine. 51 the class actually 52 rolled on for an 53 extra hour. 54 at one rest break 55 everybody started 56 talking about 57 old television 58 programs which 59 pissed 60 me 61 off 62 but that finally 63 abated. [Page 307] 64 afterwards, 65 driving away in the 66 car 67 my wife asked me, 68 "well, did you 69 learn anything?" 70 "god, I don't know," 71 I answered. 72 "you hungry?" she 73 asked. 74 "yeah," I said, 75 "we'll eat 76 out." 77 and I drove toward 78 the Chinese 79 place 80 and all about us 81 in traffic 82 were people who 83 knew about 84 computers or who 85 would soon know about 86 computers 87 and some who were 88 already 89 computed 90 themselves. 91 control panel. 92 find file. 93 select all. 94 show clipboard. 95 hide ruler. 96 insert header. [Page 308] 97 insert footer. 98 auto hyphenate. 99 show invisibles. 100 show page guides. 101 hide pictures. 102 how ya gonna keep us 103 down on the 104 farm 105 if 106 we can't find it on the 107 menu? [Page 309] Bukowski, Charles:image [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 he sits in the chair across from me. 2 "you look healthy," he says in a voice that is 3 almost disappointed. 4 "I've given up beer and I drink only 5 3 bottles of white German wine each night," 6 I tell him. 7 "are you going to let your readers know 8 you've reformed?" he 9 asks. he walks to the refrigerator and opens 10 the door. "all these vitamins!" 11 "thiamine-hcl," I say, "b-2, choline, b-6, folic 12 acid, zinc, e, b-12, niacin, calcium magnesium, 13 a-e complex, papa ... and 3 bottles of white 14 German wine each night." 15 "what's this stuff in the jars on the sink?" he asks. 16 "herbs," I tell him, "goldenseal, sweet basil, alfalfa 17 mind, mu, lemongrass, rose hips, papaya, gotu kola, clover, 18 comfrey, fenugreek, sassafras and chamomile ... and I drink 19 only 20 spring water, mineral water and my 3 bottles of white 21 German 22 wine." 23 "are you going to tell your readers 24 about all this?" 25 he asks again. [Page 310] 26 "should I tell them?" I ask. 27 "should I tell them that I no longer 28 eat anything that walks on 29 4 legs?" 30 "that's what I mean," he says. "people think you are a 31 tough guy!" 32 "oh?" I say. 33 "and what about your image?" he asks. "people don't expect 34 you to live like this." 35 "I know," I say, "I've lost my beer-gut. I've come down 36 from a size 44 to a size 38, and I've lost 31 pounds." 37 "I mean," he continues, "we all thought you were a man 38 walking carelessly and bravely to his death, foolishly but 39 with style, like Don Quixote and the windmills ... all that." 40 "we just won't tell anybody," I answer, "and maybe 41 we can save my 42 image or at least prolong it." 43 "you'll be turning to God next," he says. 44 "my god," I say, "is those 3 bottles of white German wine." 45 "I'm disappointed in you," he says. 46 "I still fuck," I reply, "and I still play the horses and I 47 go to the boxing matches and I still love my daughter 48 and I even love my present girlfriend. not that much has 49 changed." 50 "all right," he says, "we'll keep it quiet. 51 can you give me a ride back to my place? [Page 311] 52 my car is in the shop." 53 "all right," I say. "I also still drive my car." 54 I lock the door and we walk up the street to where 55 I'm parked now. [Page 312] Bukowski, Charles:the crunch (2) [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 too much 2 too little 3 or too late 4 too fat 5 too thin 6 or too bad 7 laughter or 8 tears 9 or immaculate 10 unconcern 11 haters 12 lovers 13 armies running through streets of pain 14 waving wine bottles 15 bayoneting and fucking everyone 16 or an old guy in a cheap quiet room 17 with a photograph of Marilyn Monroe. 18 there is a loneliness in this world so great 19 that you can see it in the slow movement of 20 a clock's hands. 21 there is a loneliness in this world so great 22 that you can see it in blinking neon 23 in Vegas, in Baltimore, in Munich. 24 people are tired [Page 313] 25 strafed by life 26 mutilated either by love or no 27 love. 28 we don't need new governments 29 new revolutions 30 we don't need new men 31 new women 32 we don't need new ways 33 we just need to care. 34 people are not good to each other 35 one on one. 36 people are just not good to each other. 37 we are afraid. 38 we think that hatred signifies 39 strength. 40 that punishment is 41 love. 42 what we need is less false education 43 what we need are fewer rules 44 fewer police 45 and more good teachers. 46 we forget the terror of one person 47 aching in one room 48 alone 49 unkissed 50 untouched 51 cut off 52 watering a plant alone 53 without a telephone that would never 54 ring 55 anyway. [Page 314] 56 people are not good to each other 57 people are not good to each other 58 people are not good to each other 59 and the beads swing and the clouds obscure 60 and dogs piss upon rose bushes 61 the killer beheads the child like taking a bite 62 out of an ice cream cone 63 while the ocean comes in and goes out 64 in and out 65 in the thrall of a senseless moon. 66 and people are not good to each other. [Page 315] Bukowski, Charles:I'll send you a postcard [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 this guy says that for $845 I can 2 go to Europe and 3 see all the 4 plays and 5 hear all the 6 operas. 7 there's drinks on 8 the plane across 9 and good conversation 10 with knowledgeable 11 people. 12 I get one free 13 meal a day and 14 guided tours to 15 places of inter- 16 est. 17 there's even a pass 18 to a ski resort 19 and a chauffeur 20 is available 21 plus 22 free maps and 23 hand-rolled 24 cigars. it lasts 25 2 weeks. 26 they don't 27 say 28 anything about 29 getting fucked 30 but you get the 31 idea that every- 32 body who goes 33 will be. [Page 316] Bukowski, Charles:bravo! [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 they applaud each work 2 without fail or thought 3 and four or five voices respond 4 with the same ringing 5 "BRAVO!" BRAVO!" 6 as if they had heard a fresh 7 and vital creative 8 breakthrough. 9 where have the audiences gone 10 that were able to select and 11 discriminate? 12 now the thought in the collective mind of 13 the audience is: 14 we understand 15 we know 16 therefore we 17 respond 18 as one. 19 and afterwards 20 at the wheels of their automobiles 21 they dash out of the underground 22 parking lot 23 more rude and crass 24 than any boxing match crowd 25 than any horse race crowd 26 cutting off others 27 swerving 28 cursing. [Page 317] 29 the March to the Gallows, indeed 30 Pictures at an Exhibition, of course 31 the Bolero, yes 32 The Afternoon of a Faun? 33 honking 34 zooming toward the freeways 35 BRAVO west L.A. 36 BRAVO Westwood Village 37 BRAVO the Hollywood Hills 38 BRAVO Beverly Hills. 39 Symphonie Pathétique, indeed. [Page 318] Bukowski, Charles:downtown [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 nobody goes downtown anymore 2 the plants and trees have been cut away around 3 Pershing Square 4 the grass is brown 5 and the street preachers are not as good 6 as they used to be 7 and down on Broadway 8 the Latinos stand in long colorful lines 9 waiting to see Latino action movies. 10 I walk down to Clifton's cafeteria 11 it's still there 12 the waterfall is still there 13 the few white faces are old and poor 14 dignified 15 dressed in 1950s clothing 16 sitting at small tables on the first 17 floor. 18 I take my food upstairs to the 19 third floor--- 20 all Latinos at the tables there 21 faces more tired than hostile 22 the men at rest from their factory jobs 23 their once beautiful wives now 24 heavy and satisfied 25 the men wanting badly to go out and raise hell 26 but now the money is needed for 27 clothing, tires, toys, TV sets 28 children's shoes, the rent. 29 I finish eating 30 walk down to the first floor and out, 31 and nearby is a penny arcade. [Page 319] 32 I remember it from the 1940s. 33 I walk in. 34 it is full of young Latinos and Blacks 35 between the ages of six and 36 fifteen 37 and they shoot machine guns 38 play mechanical soccer 39 and the piped-in salsa music is very 40 loud. 41 they fly spacecraft 42 test their strength 43 fight in the ring 44 have horse races 45 auto races 46 but none of them want their fortunes told. 47 I lean against a wall and 48 watch them. 49 I go outside again. 50 I walk down and across from the Herald- 51 Examiner 52 building 53 where my car is parked. 54 I get in. then I drive away. 55 it's Sunday. and it's true 56 like they say: the old gang never 57 goes downtown anymore. [Page 320] Bukowski, Charles:the blue pigeon [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 getting a car wash today 2 about 1:30 p.m. 3 I saw this blue pigeon 4 come floating through the 5 air awkwardly 6 it hit the asphalt 7 wings spread wide 8 and lay there shivering 9 one eye open 10 it was dying 11 and I walked away 12 and stood by my car 13 where 14 the fellows were wiping 15 the windows 16 and then a Camaro 17 came fast and 18 got the pigeon. 19 turned it into a red stain 20 and one of the fellows 21 said, "Christ." 22 I couldn't have expressed 23 it 24 any better. 25 I tipped him a quarter 26 and drove off 27 east on Hollywood Boulevard 28 and then I 29 took a right at 30 Vermont. [Page 321] Bukowski, Charles:combat primer [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 hey called Céline a Nazi 2 they called Pound a fascist 3 they called Hamsun a Nazi and a fascist. 4 they put Dostoevsky in front of a firing 5 squad 6 and they shot Lorca 7 gave Hemingway electric shock treatments 8 (and you know he shot himself) 9 and they ran Villon out of town (Paris) 10 and Mayakovsky 11 disillusioned with the regime 12 and after a lovers' quarrel, 13 well, 14 he shot himself too. 15 Chatterton took rat poison 16 and it worked. 17 and some say Malcolm Lowry died 18 choking on his own vomit 19 while drunk. 20 Crane went the way of the boat 21 propellor or the sharks. 22 Harry Crosby's sun was black. 23 Berryman preferred the bridge. 24 Plath didn't light the oven. 25 Seneca cut his wrists in the 26 bathtub (it's best that way: 27 in warm water). 28 Thomas and Behan drank themselves 29 to death and 30 there are many others. [Page 322] 31 and you want to be a 32 writer? 33 it's that kind of war: 34 creation kills, 35 many go mad, 36 some lose their way and 37 can't do it 38 anymore. 39 a few make it to old age. 40 a few make money. 41 some starve (like Vallejo). 42 it's that kind of war: 43 casualties everywhere. 44 all right, go ahead 45 do it 46 but when they sandbag you 47 from the blind side 48 don't come to me with your 49 regrets. 50 now I'm going to smoke a cigarette 51 in the bathtub 52 and then I'm going to 53 sleep. [Page 323] Bukowski, Charles:thanks for that [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 at this time 2 I no longer have to work 3 the nightclubs and the universities 4 the bookstores 5 for tiny checks. 6 I no longer have to tell the freshman English class 7 at the U. of Nebraska (Omaha) 8 while sitting with my hangover at 11 a.m. 9 at a brown elevated desk 10 why I did it 11 how I did it 12 and what they might do in order to do 13 it too. 14 but I didn't mind the plane flights back home 15 with the businessmen 16 all of us drinking doubles 17 and trying not to look out past the wing 18 trying to relax 19 each happy that we were not on skid row 20 knowing we each had a certain talent 21 (so far) 22 which had saved us from that 23 (so far). 24 I may have to do it again some day but 25 right now I am where I belong: 26 flying over my own Mississippi River 27 passing over my own Grand Canyon 28 on schedule 29 no seat belt 30 no stewardess and 31 no lost luggage. [Page 324] Bukowski, Charles:they arrived in time [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 I like to think about writers like James Joyce 2 Hemingway, Ambrose Bierce, Faulkner, Sherwood 3 Anderson, Jeffers, D. H. Lawrence, A. Huxley, 4 John Fante, Gorki, Turgenev, Dostoevsky, Saroyan, 5 Villon, even Sinclair Lewis, and Hamsun, even T. S. 6 Eliot and Auden, William Carlos Williams and 7 Stephen Spender and gutsy Ezra Pound. 8 they taught me so many things that my parents 9 never taught me, and 10 I also like to think of Carson McCullers 11 with her Sad Cafe and Golden Eye. 12 she too taught me much that my parents 13 never knew. 14 I liked to read the hardcover library books 15 in their simple library bindings 16 blue and green and brown and light red 17 I liked the older librarians (male and female) 18 who stared seriously at one 19 if you coughed or laughed too loudly, 20 and even though they looked like my parents 21 there was no real resemblance. 22 now I no longer read those authors I once read 23 with such pleasure, 24 but it's good to think about them, 25 and I also 26 like to look again at photographs of Hart Crane and 27 Caresse Crosby at Chantilly, 1929 28 or at photographs of D. H. Lawrence and Frieda 29 sunning at Le Moulin, 1928. [Page 325] 30 I like to see Andre Malraux in his flying outfit 31 with a kitten on his chest and 32 I like photos of Artaud in the madhouse 33 Picasso at the beach with his strong legs 34 and his hairless head, and then there's 35 D. H. Lawrence milking that cow 36 and Aldous at Saltwood Castle, Kent, August 37 1963. 38 I like to think about these people 39 they taught me so many things that I 40 never dreamed of before. 41 and they taught me well, 42 very well 43 when it was so much needed 44 they showed me so many things 45 that I never knew were possible. 46 those friends 47 deep in my blood 48 who 49 when there was no chance 50 gave me one. [Page 326] Bukowski, Charles:odd [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 some nights 2 like this night 3 seem to crawl down the back of one's 4 neck and settle at the base of the skull, 5 stay there 6 like that 7 like this. 8 it is probably a little prelude to 9 death, 10 a warm-up. 11 I accept. 12 then the mind becomes like a 13 movie: 14 I watch Dostoevsky in a small room 15 and he is drinking a glass of 16 milk. 17 it is not a long movie: 18 he puts the glass down and it 19 ends. 20 then I am back 21 here. 22 an air purifier 23 makes its soft sound behind me. 24 I smoke too much, the whole room 25 often turns blue 26 so now my wife has put in the 27 air purifier. 28 now the night has left the back 29 of my skull. 30 I lean back in the swivel 31 chair [Page 327] 32 pick up a bottle opener shaped 33 like a horse. 34 it's like I'm holding the whole world 35 here 36 shaped like a horse. 37 I put the world down, 38 open a paper clip and begin to clean 39 my fingernails. 40 waiting on death can be perfectly 41 peaceful. [Page 328] Bukowski, Charles:an interlude [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 it was on Western Avenue 2 last night 3 about 7:30 p.m. 4 I was walking south 5 toward Sunset 6 and on the 2nd floor of 7 a motel across the street 8 in the apartment in front 9 the lights were on 10 and there was this young man 11 he must have weighed 400 pounds 12 he looked 7 feet tall 13 and 4 feet wide 14 as he reached over 15 and rather lazily punched 16 a naked woman in the face. 17 another woman jumped up 18 (this woman was fully clothed) 19 and he gave her a whack across 20 the back of the head before he 21 turned and punched the naked one 22 in the face again. 23 there was no screaming and 24 he seemed almost bored by it all. 25 then he walked over to the window 26 and opened it. 27 he had what looked like 28 a small roasted chicken in his 29 hand. 30 he put it to his mouth 31 bit nearly half of it away 32 and began chewing. [Page 329] 33 he chewed for a moment or 34 two 35 then spit the bones carefully 36 out the window 37 (I could hear them 38 fall on the 39 sidewalk). 40 good god jesus christ almighty, 41 have mercy on us all! 42 then he looked down at me 43 and smiled 44 as I quickly moved away 45 ducking my head down 46 into the night. [Page 330] Bukowski, Charles:anonymity [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 I never got to where I was 2 driving that night after 3 I exhaled two 15's on the breath 4 meter. 5 they put the cuffs 6 on me 7 and I climbed into the back seat 8 of their squad car 9 for a ride to the drunk tank at 10 150 N. Los Angeles Street, 11 Parker Center. 12 "what's your occupation?" 13 the one not driving asked 14 me. 15 "I'm a writer," I answered. 16 "you sure don't look like a 17 writer to me," said the 18 cop. 19 "oh, I'm famous," I 20 said. 21 "I never heard of you," 22 he said. 23 "I never heard of you either," 24 I replied. 25 they parked, got me out and [Page 331] 26 walked me up the ramp. 27 "you sure don't look like a 28 writer," the cop said 29 again. 30 inside they took the cuffs 31 off. 32 I guess they were right: 33 I wasn't famous 34 and they weren't sure 35 what a writer should 36 look like. 37 but I knew what cops 38 looked like. 39 these were cops 40 and they were famous 41 and looked the same 42 all over the 43 world. 44 in a crowded drunk tank 45 everything was as per usual: 46 one toilet without a lid 47 and one pay 48 telephone, both 49 being used. [Page 332] Bukowski, Charles:what's it all mean? [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 o yes Huxley motorcaded through southern Europe 2 and wrote a marvelous book about it and Lawrence 3 made that great painting of a man pissing 4 and Huxley did the peyote thing and Frieda really 5 gave Lawrence a base and Huxley said, "it's up here!" 6 touching his head and Lawrence said, "it's down here!" 7 touching his gut. 8 Huxley went blind you know and Lawrence had a 9 sixth sense when it came 10 to animals and 11 sometimes I think of Lawrence sometimes I think of 12 Huxley and sometimes I think of Charo with all that 13 hair on her head so chi-chi sexy and 14 then sometimes I think of 2 Mexican boys punching it 15 out down at the Olympic auditorium o yes 16 we've got a world full of dreams and sometimes 17 when I can't sleep 18 and my mind won't think of anything at all then I 19 spend the night 20 looking up at the dark ceiling. [Page 333] Bukowski, Charles:one-to-five [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 I know horse racing. 2 I was there when Porterhouse beat Swaps and 3 that's a while back and 4 I've seen some more since. 5 so there I was in the stands 6 when the 8th race opened with a one-to-2 favorite on 7 the program. 8 "a lock," the boys liked to call it 9 but the boys all had rundown heels on their 10 shoes. 11 the favorite was a horse they fondly called 12 Big Cat. actually its name was Cougar II. 13 he had beaten the same horses while carrying high 14 weight 15 had beaten them easily 16 and now in this race 17 each horse was to carry 126 pounds. 18 Cougar read one-to-2 on the program and one-to-5 on 19 the board. 20 they applauded him as he walked in the post parade. 21 I put a deuce on the 2nd favorite who read 22 8-to-one and waited on the 23 race. 24 it was a mile-and-one-half on the grass. [Page 334] 25 the gate opened and they came down the hill with 26 Big Cat laying up near the pace---3rd or 4th--- 27 he looked in good position until after they 28 went down the backstretch and got near the final curve. 29 Big Cat began falling back. 30 what the hell was Pincay doing? 31 cries went up from the stands: 32 "he isn't going to make it!" 33 "my god, he isn't going to make it!" 34 then Big Cat seemed to come on again 35 he had the only red silks in the race 36 he was very visible out there. 37 maybe Pincay knew what he was doing: 38 he was the #1 jock on the #1 39 horse 40 but by then 41 Big Spruce 42 (at 13-to-one off a morning line of 6) 43 had run past the early pace setters and 44 was opening up 45 12 lengths 46 halfway down the stretch. 47 no chance for Big Cat. 48 Big Spruce won 49 easily 50 while Big Cat 51 had to wait out the photo for 52 3rd money. [Page 335] 53 I checked the total on Big Cat off the tote: 54 over one-half million dollars. 55 Pincay got sick and scratched out of the 56 9th race. 57 Eddie Arcaro 58 who carried one of the meanest whips in racing 59 and had ridden them all 60 once said: 61 "there's no such thing as a sure thing." 62 (as the history of the world will tell you--- 63 the easier it looks 64 the harder it gets). 65 Big Cat lost. 66 nobody applauded his walk back to the 67 barn. 68 in this world 69 you just can't lose at 70 one-to-5 71 anyhow 72 not with grace 73 no matter how many 74 you've won before 75 that 76 especially not in 77 America 78 nor in Paris or 79 Spain [Page 336] 80 nor in Munich or 81 Japan 82 nor anywhere else where 83 humans 84 dwell. [Page 337] Bukowski, Charles:insanity [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 sometimes there's a crazy one in the street. 2 he lifts his feet carefully as he walks. 3 he ponders the mystery 4 of his own anus. 5 while the American dollar collapses 6 against the German mark 7 he's thinking of Bette Davis and her old movies. 8 it's good to bring thought to bear on things 9 arcane and forbidden. 10 if only we were crazy enough 11 to be willing to ignore our 12 mechanical and static perceptions 13 we'd know that a half-filled coffee cup 14 holds more secrets 15 than, say, 16 the Grand Canyon. 17 sometimes there's a crazy one walking 18 in the street. 19 he slips past 20 walks with a black crow on his shoulder 21 is not worried about alarm clocks or 22 approval. 23 however, almost everybody else is sane, knows the 24 answers to all the unanswerable questions. 25 we can park our automobiles 26 carve a turkey with style and 27 can laugh at every feeble joke. 28 the crazy ones only laugh when there is [Page 338] 29 no reason to 30 laugh. 31 in our world 32 the sane are too numerous, 33 too submissive. 34 we are instructed to live lives of boredom. 35 no matter what we are doing--- 36 screwing or eating or playing or 37 talking or climbing mountains or 38 taking baths or flying to India 39 we are numbed, 40 sadly sane. 41 when you see a crazy one walking 42 in the street 43 honor him but 44 leave him alone. 45 stand out of the way. 46 there's no luck like that luck 47 nothing else so perfect in the world 48 let him walk untouched 49 remember that Christ also was insane. [Page 339] Bukowski, Charles:farewell my lovely [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 she keeps coming back 2 with different men 3 I am introduced 4 and I feel sorry for them 5 sitting there in their pants and 6 shirts and stockings and shoes 7 looking out of their heads with 8 their eyes 9 hearing with their ears 10 speaking out of their mouths 11 I feel sorry for them 12 for she is finally going to do to 13 them 14 just what she did to me. 15 she hates men but captures and tortures them 16 with her beautiful, youthful body. 17 the last time she was over 18 she followed me 19 into the kitchen 20 leaving him sitting alone out there. 21 "I miss you," she said, "I really 22 do. I mean it." 23 I knew what she missed. she missed 24 having a man securely caught in her 25 net. I stepped around her with 26 the drinks and walked back into the 27 other room. 28 she watched me with her eyes 29 as she continued to talk. 30 she had watched me go crazy with the [Page 340] 31 agony of losing her 32 so many times before. 33 now she knew I was free 34 and when the victim escapes the 35 executioner 36 it is hell for the 37 executioner. 38 she felt it. she said to him, 39 "let's get out of here." 40 they left and began to walk away 41 toward the street. 42 I noticed she had left her coat, the 43 one with the dark 44 hood. 45 "hey!" I shouted, "you left your 46 coat!" 47 she ran back to the door: 48 "oh, thank you!" she said 49 taking the coat with one 50 hand 51 and with the other hand 52 behind the door 53 where he couldn't see 54 she gave me the 55 finger, 56 vigorously. 57 I closed the door. 58 it hadn't been too 59 bad 60 they hadn't used up much of 61 my time 62 at most 63 maybe fifteen 64 minutes. [Page 341] Bukowski, Charles:comments upon my last book of poesy: [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 you're better than ever. 2 you've sold out. 3 you suck. 4 my mother hates you. 5 you're rich. 6 you're the best writer in the English language. 7 can I come see you? 8 I write just like you do, only better. 9 why do you drive a BMW? 10 why don't you give more readings? 11 can you still get it up? 12 do you know Allen Ginsberg? 13 what do you think of Henry Miller? 14 will you write a foreword to my next book? 15 I enclose a photograph of Céline. 16 I enclose my grandfather's pocket watch. 17 the enclosed jacket was knitted by my wife in Bavarian 18 style. 19 have you been drunk with Mickey Rourke? 20 I am a young girl 19 years old and I will come and clean 21 your house. 22 you are a stinking bastard to tell people that Shakespeare is 23 not readable. 24 what do you think of Norman Mailer? 25 why do you steal from Hemingway? 26 why do you knock Tolstoy? 27 I'm doing hard time and when I get out I'm coming to see 28 you. 29 I think you suck ass. 30 you've saved my god-damned life. 31 why do you hate women? 32 I love you. [Page 342] 33 I read your poems at parties. 34 did all those things really happen to you? 35 why do you drink? 36 I saw you at the racetrack but I didn't bother you. 37 I'd like to renew our relationship. 38 do you really stay up all night? 39 I can out-drink you. 40 you stole it from Sherwood Anderson. 41 did you ever meet Ezra? 42 I am alone and I think of you every night. 43 who the hell do you think you're fooling? 44 my tits aren't much but I've got great legs. 45 fuck you, man. 46 my wife hates you. 47 will you please read the enclosed poems and comment? 48 I am going to publish all those letters you wrote me. 49 you jack-off motherfuck, you're not fooling anybody. [Page 343] Bukowski, Charles:a correction to a lady of poesy: [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] "I think all life is a matter of luck---good and bad." ---Diane Wakoski 1 any ballplayer can tell you, Diane: 2 in games like baseball where luck is just a percentage, 3 even 4 there it evens 5 out--- 6 dribble one through the shortpatch for a single and your 7 next one 8 might be a line drive into the 2nd baseman's mitt. 9 in games unlike baseball 10 in games like life 11 one good man might survive while another dies 12 but this isn't luck 13 this is making a connection 14 hitting the ball solidly on the nose. 15 (but even the good man making the connection seldom 16 remains the good 17 man---he often softens in time and finally 18 fails). 19 if you consider yourself lucky, 20 don't, 21 for whatever you've gained you've gained by 22 doing something a little differently or 23 with a little more magic than 24 somebody else. 25 but when the magic goes or 26 lessens, and it usually 27 does, and [Page 344] 28 when the poetry readings drop off 29 and the publishers stop inquiring as to your next 30 manuscript, will you then consider your luck 31 bad? 32 will you then start bitching about 33 the unfairness of the game 34 like some untalented scribblers (not you) 35 who I know? 36 see the old ladies in the supermarkets 37 angry and lonely 38 pushing their carts--- 39 that they were once given young bodies was not luck 40 or that they lost them was not, 41 or that they did not build a life on something firmer 42 was not. 43 I am for the survival of all people until 44 natural age takes 45 them. but they'll need something more than luck, and a 46 cunning better than 47 poetry. 48 it's hardly luck when the spider takes a fly or bad luck 49 when the fly 50 enters the web. 51 I could go on 52 but I feel by now 53 I've made the point, 54 and as the people come home this evening 55 from the war 56 and sit at their tables to eat and 57 talk, and perhaps later to make 58 love 59 (if they are not too tired) 60 don't tell them that all life is a matter of luck--- 61 good and bad. [Page 345] 62 they know it's a matter of 63 doing or dying. 64 Hitler, Ty Cobb, the man at the vegetable stand--- 65 they knew it and they know it. 66 save the bad luck fairy tale for small 67 children. they'll learn the real story 68 soon enough. [Page 346] Bukowski, Charles:Beethoven conducted his last symphony while totally deaf [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 his paintings would not be as valuable 2 now 3 if he hadn't 4 sliced off his ear 5 worn that rag around his head 6 and then done it to himself 7 among the cornstalks. 8 and would that one's poems be 9 so famous if he hadn't 10 faded at 19, 11 given it all up to 12 go gun running and gold hunting 13 in Africa only to 14 die of syphilis? 15 what about the one who was 16 murdered in the road 17 by Spanish fascists? 18 did that 19 give his words more 20 meaning? 21 or take the one who was a 22 national hero 23 those iceberg symphonies soaring 24 cutting that particular sky 25 in half 26 he had it all working for him 27 then he got worried about old age 28 saved his head [Page 347] 29 went into his house 30 vanished and was never seen 31 again. 32 such strange behavior, didn't somebody 33 once say? 34 that the man should be as durable as his 35 art, that's what they want, they want the 36 impossible: creation and creator to be as 37 one. this is the dirty trick 38 of the ages. [Page 348] Bukowski, Charles:on the sidewalk and in the sun [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 I have seen an old man around town recently 2 carrying an enormous pack. 3 he uses a walking stick 4 and moves up and down the streets 5 with this pack strapped to his back. 6 I keep seeing him. 7 if he'd only throw that pack away, I think, 8 he'd have a chance, not much of a chance 9 but a chance. 10 and he's in a tough district---east Hollywood. 11 they aren't going to give him a 12 dry bone in east Hollywood. 13 he is lost. with that pack. 14 on the sidewalk and in the sun. 15 god almighty, old man, I think, throw away that 16 pack. 17 then I drive on, thinking of my own 18 problems. 19 the last time I saw him he was not walking. 20 it was ten thirty a.m. on north Bronson and 21 hot, very hot, and he sat on a little ledge, bent, 22 the pack still strapped to his back. 23 I slowed down to look at his face. 24 I had seen one or two other men in my life [Page 349] 25 with looks on their faces like 26 that. 27 I speeded up and turned on the 28 radio. 29 I knew that look. 30 I would never see him again. [Page 350] Bukowski, Charles:what do they want? [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 there are times when those eyes inside your 2 brain stare back at 3 you; 4 it is always sudden. 5 sometimes when you come in 6 and lie down on the bed 7 it happens--- 8 2 eyes that have nothing to do with 9 you 10 stare back at you from inside your 11 brain. 12 you sit up 13 until they go away. 14 or say you scream at a child 15 or slap a woman--- 16 as you walk into the kitchen 17 the eyes appear in the back of your brain 18 hang there 19 as you drink 20 water. 21 or sometimes you are at peace 22 sitting on a park bench 23 reading a newspaper--- 24 here come the 25 eyes: 26 fat red golden eyes, 27 a pair. 28 you get up and 29 walk 30 away. [Page 351] 31 or the phone rings and as you answer the 32 phone 33 the eyes arrive again--- 34 "yes, of course. no, I'm not doing 35 anything. yeh, I feel 36 o.k." 37 then you hang up, go to the bathroom and 38 throw water on 39 your face. 40 I would gladly give these eyes to the 41 blind or to anybody who 42 would take them. 43 o, o, there they are 44 again. 45 I don't understand it. 46 what do they 47 want? [Page 352] Bukowski, Charles:I hear all the latest hit tunes [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 somewhere in whatever neighborhood 2 there's 3 some guy 4 at 10:30 in the morning 5 sunday morning 6 monday morning 7 any morning 8 washing and polishing his 9 car 10 with the radio on 11 LOUD 12 so that the entire neighborhood 13 is compelled 14 to listen to the music 15 that he is 16 listening to 17 but it's all right 18 because we surely don't 19 want him to be bored out 20 there; 21 it's going to take him 22 hours. 23 they'd arrest a drunk or a 24 panhandler 25 as a 26 public nuisance 27 but this boy is a 28 respectable citizen 29 and it's the respectable 30 citizens [Page 353] 31 that our culture is built 32 upon 33 and whom 34 the music is written 35 for. 36 if I murdered him 37 no court in America would 38 forgive 39 my courage. 40 meanwhile 41 he circles his car 42 with the 43 hose plus 44 a bucket of 45 suds. 46 he's safe 47 he's fearless 48 look at him there 49 almost as handsome as that twittering 50 bluejay 51 and at least 4 women are 52 in love with 53 him and he 54 deserves them all 55 and I hope he 56 gets them all. 57 it's the only way we can 58 teach that 59 son-of-a-bitch what 60 suffering is. [Page 354] Bukowski, Charles:am I the only one who suffers thus? [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 took me 45 minutes to find my glasses, 2 and I lost a credit card mailed to me today, 3 then I sat down at this machine and it wouldn't 4 function, 5 took me 15 minutes to put it back in 6 order. 7 yes, I am constantly losing things and 8 the fault is mine, 9 I sit in this room and it is a collection of 10 trash--- 11 papers, wine bottle corks, scotch tape, 12 magazines, letters, bills, old wrist 13 watches and sundry other items 14 which rest one upon the 15 other: 16 paint tubes, toothpicks, 17 non-functioning cigarette lighters, 18 liquid paper, pens, address labels, 19 boxes of light bulbs, a red toy devil, 20 a wall socket (for 3 prongs), matchbooks, 21 lens cleaning tissue, 25 cent stamps (they 22 are now 29 cents and rising), 23 bottle openers, band-aids, well, I just don't 24 know what else. 25 I suppose the saddest of all are the letters 26 from lonely people 27 (and look, here are two pocket combs 28 resting side by side) 29 and then there's the telephone and 30 the answering machine taking the [Page 355] 31 messages: 32 more lonely people, more frustrated 33 people, more eager people, 34 more people wanting to come by, 35 wanting to talk 36 how can they find TIME to talk? 37 I don't have time to do the simplest 38 things. 39 in my wallet there is a piece of paper: 40 IN CASE OF ACCIDENT OR DEATH, 41 PLEASE INFORM, ETC. 42 for 3 years now I have been wanting 43 to take this piece of paper out of my 44 wallet and update it, 45 because all the phone numbers and 46 addresses except one 47 have changed 48 yet I haven't been able to attend to 49 this matter. 50 also, I know that the spare tire 51 in my car needs a bit of 52 air. 53 but when? 54 when will I do it? 55 when will I get my teeth cleaned? 56 when will I cut my toenails? 57 when will I get a haircut? 58 there are countless other untended 59 matters 60 while the IRS and the California Franchise Tax Board 61 loom ... 62 and still there are people who come by here 63 and plant themselves upon the couch 64 and they seem to have absolutely 65 NOTHING to do 66 but [Page 356] 67 chat away. 68 chat, chat, chat about absolutely 69 nothing. 70 or they want to play GAMES or watch the 71 damnedest garbage on TV 72 (I've been waiting to shine my shoes 73 for a year now) 74 or they work crossword puzzles 75 or tell jokes. 76 every time there is a knock at the 77 door 78 a deathly chill runs up my 79 back: 80 it will be one of them, 81 it is always one of them 82 and when they come in and ease 83 down on that couch 84 I am truly in hell. 85 I do all that I can to keep 86 them away 87 but through one guise or 88 another 89 or through some affiliation, 90 they slip 91 through. 92 and they are aware of it, 93 they are very aware of 94 it 95 and then they begin ... 96 my life, at that moment, 97 becomes only a process of 98 waiting for them to 99 leave 100 and their life becomes [Page 357] 101 a process of staying 102 as long as 103 possible. 104 and one must not hurt 105 their feelings 106 for they would not 107 understand! [Page 358] Bukowski, Charles:on lighting a cigar [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 we ask for no mercy and no 2 miracles; 3 (if only there were fewer flies around 4 as we ponder our imbecilities and losses!) 5 I light a cigar, lean back 6 remember 7 dead friends dead days dead loves; 8 so much has gone by for most of us, 9 even the young, especially the young 10 for they have lost the beginning and have 11 the rest of the way to go; 12 but isn't it strange, all I can think of now are 13 cucumbers, oranges, junk yards, the 14 old Lincoln Heights jail and 15 the lost loves that went so hard 16 and almost brought us to the edge, 17 the faces now without features, 18 the love beds forgotten. 19 the mind is kind: it retains the 20 important things: 21 cucumbers 22 oranges 23 junk yards 24 jails. 25 I have killed a fly 26 that tiny piece of life 27 dead like dead love. 28 there used to be over 100 of us in that big room [Page 359] 29 in that jail 30 I was in there many 31 times. 32 you slept on the floor 33 men stepped on your face on the way to piss. 34 always a shortage of cigarettes. 35 names called out during the night 36 (the few lucky ones who were bailed out) 37 never you. 38 we asked for no mercy or miracles 39 and we ask for none 40 now; 41 we paid our way, laugh if you will, 42 we walked the only paths there were to walk. 43 and when love came to us twice 44 and lied to us twice 45 we decided to never love again 46 that was fair 47 fair to us 48 and fair to love itself. 49 we ask for no mercy or no 50 miracles; 51 we are strong enough to live 52 and to die and to 53 kill flies, 54 attend the boxing matches, go to the racetrack, 55 live on luck and skill, 56 get alone, get alone often, 57 and if you can't sleep alone 58 be careful of the words you speak in your sleep; 59 and 60 ask for no mercy 61 no miracles; [Page 360] 62 and don't forget: 63 time is meant to be wasted, 64 love fails 65 and death is useless. [Page 361] Bukowski, Charles:the cigarette of the sun [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 the headless dog snaps, 2 the half melon drips, there's blood under the 3 fingernails, 4 the yawweed cries and 5 Tacitus hops like a frog. 6 destitution everywhere, 7 the manacled in rusted armor walk through 8 crippled dreams, 9 one more dead. one more dying. one more to die. 10 they lied to themselves and then to us and then to the 11 stinking wind. 12 bargain basement heroes erected for elucidation. 13 poison music stuffs the brain, 14 the roses yell for mercy, 15 mouse chases cat, 16 elephants carry the gray bad news, 17 infinity is split and nothing happens 18 and 19 one more dead. one more dying. one more to die. 20 the engine is stuffed with peat moss. 21 the schoolboys eat gravel. 22 space mutilates space. 23 the pin worms dance with the collared peccary. 24 throats are cut like bread. 25 flags are covered with custard. 26 the knife chases the gun. 27 and 28 one more 29 dead. 30 dying. 31 to die. 32 one more dead [Page 362] 33 rose 34 dog 35 flea 36 hyena, 37 as the spoon and the feather 38 dance in the night, 39 as the sheet pulls up the hand, 40 as the twilight laughs for its pill. 41 one more sister cut in half. 42 one more brother stuffed in the 43 bin. 44 the shoes put on you. 45 you, you, you, 46 no más, no more. [Page 363] Bukowski, Charles:to lean back into it [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 like in a chair the color of the sun 2 as you listen to lazy piano music 3 and the aircraft overhead are not 4 at war. 5 where the last drink is as good as 6 the first 7 and you realized that the promises 8 you made yourself were 9 kept. 10 that's plenty. 11 that last: about the promises: 12 what's not so good is that the few 13 friends you had are 14 dead and they seem 15 irreplaceable. 16 as for women, you didn't know enough 17 early enough 18 and you knew enough 19 too late. 20 and if more self-analysis is allowed: it's 21 nice that you turned out well- 22 honed, 23 that you arrived late 24 and remained generally 25 capable. 26 outside of that, not much to say 27 except you can leave without 28 regret. 29 until then, a bit more amusement, 30 a bit more endurance, 31 leaning back 32 into it. [Page 364] 33 like the dog who got across 34 the busy street: 35 not all of it was good 36 luck. [Page 365] Bukowski, Charles:dog fight 1990 [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 he draws up to my rear bumper in the fast lane. 2 I can see his face in the rear view mirror, his eyes 3 are blue and he sucks on a dead cigar. 4 I pull over. he passes, then slows. I don't like 5 this. 6 I pull into the fast lane, ride 7 his rear bumper. we are as a team passing through 8 Compton. 9 I turn the radio on and light a cigarette. 10 he ups it 5 mph, I do likewise. we are as a team 11 entering Inglewood. 12 he pulls out of the fast lane and I drive past. 13 then I slow. when I check the rear view mirror he is 14 on my bumper again. 15 he has almost made me miss my turnoff at Century Blvd. 16 I hit the blinker and fire across 3 lanes of 17 traffic, just make the off-ramp, 18 cutting in front of an inflammable tanker. 19 blue eyes comes from behind the tanker and 20 we veer down the ramp in separate lanes to the signal. 21 we sit there side by side, not looking at each 22 other. 23 I am caught behind an empty school bus as he idles 24 behind a Mercedes. 25 the signal switches and he is gone. I cut to the 26 inside lane behind him. then I see the parking 27 lane open and I flash by to the right of him and the 28 Mercedes, turn up the radio, make the green light as the 29 Mercedes and blue eyes run the yellow turning into red. 30 they make it as I switch back ahead of 31 them in order to miss a parked vegetable 32 truck. [Page 366] 33 now we are running 1-2-3, not a cop in sight. we are 34 moving through a 1990 California July. 35 we are driving with skillful nonchalance. 36 we are moving in perfect formation. 37 we are as a team 38 approaching L.A. airport. 39 1-2-3 40 2-3-1 41 3-2-1. [Page 367] Bukowski, Charles:I used to feel sorry for Henry Miller [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 when he got old he stopped writing, dabbled with 2 paints and put ads in the UCLA paper for 3 secretarial help. 4 Henry preferred Oriental ladies, young 5 ones 6 and they came by and did little things for 7 him 8 and he fell in love with them, 9 even though there was no sex. 10 he wrote them letters, all his writing went into 11 love letters. 12 and the ladies were flattered but simply went 13 on 14 teasing him. 15 he liked having them around. 16 maybe he felt that they held death back a 17 little 18 or maybe they stopped him from thinking 19 about it too much 20 or maybe the old boy was simply 21 horny. 22 I remember a young lady who came to 23 see me who said, 24 "I was going to fuck Henry Miller before he 25 died but now it's too late so I came to see 26 you." 27 "forget it, baby," I told her. 28 I liked the way Henry Miller looked in his 29 last years, like a wise Buddha 30 but he didn't act like one. [Page 368] 31 I only wish he had gone out in a 32 different way, 33 not begging for it, 34 using his name. 35 I would have preferred to see him 36 continue to write books 37 until the end, 38 right into the face 39 of death. 40 but since he couldn't do it 41 well, maybe somebody else 42 can. 43 there's some old fart 44 somewhere, 45 I'm sure 46 who can. 47 if he doesn't diddle his brains 48 away at the 49 racetrack. [Page 369] Bukowski, Charles:locked in [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 morning, 2 it touches the nerves 3 quickly 4 as if we were already in 5 the hunter's sights. 6 the body yawns and stretches in the 7 light. 8 the pilgrimage 9 is about to 10 begin. 11 padding to the bathroom 12 to eliminate the 13 poisons. 14 behind the curtains is 15 their world. 16 wash hands, neck, face, 17 brush the remaining teeth 18 for the remaining 19 days. 20 clothe thyself. 21 not that shirt! 22 it's depressing ... 23 get something green, something 24 yellow. 25 there, look. 26 smile. 27 shoes, damned shoes. 28 shoes look so sad. [Page 370] 29 you can't hide facts from 30 shoes. 31 forget the shoes, 32 put on your stupid shorts. 33 your fat buttery pants. 34 now, the shoes. 35 you forgot your hair. 36 comb your hair. 37 you look crazy with your hair 38 uncombed. 39 you're not crazy, are 40 you? 41 your wife is still asleep. 42 you're lucky. 43 she's lucky. 44 smile. 45 you're not crazy, are 46 you? 47 you go downstairs. 48 the animals wait for you. 49 the plants look at you 50 while the termites eat the wood. 51 the ant army beneath, 52 the poisoned air above. 53 your car outside. 54 your intestines, your belly, 55 your heart, your brain, your 56 etc. 57 inside. 58 you're sane, 59 you're normal. 60 you make sensible [Page 371] 61 decisions? 62 only there's a limit. 63 that's the catch. 64 you're the catch. 65 caught. 66 is it better to be a termite? 67 an ocelot? 68 a metronome? 69 a park bench? 70 or East Kansas City? 71 I feed the animals. 72 for that moment, that is what 73 I do. 74 I feed the animals. 75 it's 76 easy. [Page 372] Bukowski, Charles:wasted [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 too often the people complain that they have 2 done nothing with their 3 lives 4 and then they wait for somebody to tell them 5 that this isn't so. 6 look, you've done this and that and you've 7 done that and that's 8 something. 9 you really think so? 10 of course. 11 but 12 they had it right. 13 they've done nothing. 14 shown no courage. 15 no inventiveness. 16 they did what they were taught to 17 do. 18 they did what they were told to 19 do. 20 they had no resistance, no thoughts 21 of their own. 22 they were pushed and shoved 23 and went obediently. 24 they had no heart. 25 they were cowardly. 26 they stank in life. 27 they stank up life. 28 and now they want to be told that 29 they didn't fail. 30 you've met them. [Page 373] 31 they're everywhere. 32 the spiritless. 33 the dead-before-death gang. 34 be kind? 35 lie to them? 36 tell them what they want to hear? 37 tell them anything they want to hear? 38 people with courage made them what they 39 aren't. 40 and if they ask me, I'll tell them what they 41 don't want to hear. 42 it's better you 43 keep them away from me, or 44 they'll tell you I'm a cruel man. 45 it's better that they confer 46 with you. 47 I want to be free of 48 that. [Page 374] Bukowski, Charles:Sunday lunch at the Holy Mission [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 he got knifed in broad daylight, came up the street 2 holding his hands over his gut, dripping red 3 on the pavement. 4 nobody waiting in line left their place to help him. 5 he made it to the Mission doorway, collapsed in the 6 lobby where the desk clerk screamed, "hey, you 7 son-of-a-bitch, what are you doing?" 8 then he called an ambulance but the man was dead 9 when they got there. 10 the police came and circled the spots of blood 11 on the pavement 12 with white chalk 13 photographed everything 14 then asked the men waiting for their Sunday meal 15 if they had seen anything 16 if they knew anything. 17 they all said "no" to both. 18 while the police strutted in their uniforms 19 the others finally loaded the body into an ambulance. 20 afterwards the homeless men rolled cigarettes 21 as they waited for their meal 22 talking about the action 23 blowing farts and smoke 24 enjoying the sun 25 feeling quite like 26 celebrities. [Page 375] Bukowski, Charles:slaughter [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 the first seven rows were roped off for the Counselors 2 of Exceptional Children, the Frequent Flyers Club, and the 3 German Society. 4 it was Saturday at the track and they were all talking 5 at once, standing up, sitting down, waving, laughing. 6 when the winner of the first race came in, most of them 7 leaped up and down screaming and some of them hugged 8 one another. 9 it was difficult to believe that they had all bet on the same 10 horse. 11 I tried to separate the Counselors of Exceptional Children 12 from the 13 Frequent Flyers and the Germans 14 but they all looked very much alike and as each race 15 went by they became quieter and quieter, and some of them 16 began to leave. 17 by the last race only a few of them remained 18 and they looked tired and very sad and were quiet. 19 they had learned a hard truth: losing one's money was very 20 much like death 21 and although the horses were beautiful, it was much easier 22 being German or an Exceptional Children's Counselor 23 or to fly around the country at reduced rates. 24 they had also learned that sometimes 25 the racetrack was no place to jump up and down 26 in, no place to scream in and to hug one another. 27 it got dark and cold as the wind came down off 28 the Sierra Madre, and as they put the horses into the gate [Page 376] 29 for the last race, even a winner wouldn't help much 30 now as the tote machines were shut down, taking the last 31 bite, 32 freezing the odds forever. 33 favorites don't win enough 34 longshots don't win enough 35 the rest of the horses don't win enough. 36 next Saturday they'll bring in 3 new groups 37 and rope them off too. [Page 377] Bukowski, Charles:a vote for the gentle light [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 burned senseless by other people's constant 2 depression, 3 I pull the curtains apart, 4 aching for the gentle light. 5 it's there, it's there 6 somewhere, 7 I'm sure. 8 oh, the faces of depression, expressions 9 pulled down into the gluey dark. 10 the bitter small sour mouths, 11 the self-pity, the self-justification is 12 too much, all too much. 13 the faces in shadow, 14 deep creases of gloom. 15 there's no courage there, just the desire to 16 possess something---admiration, fame, lovers, 17 money, any damn thing 18 so long as it comes easy. 19 so long as they don't have to do 20 what's necessary. 21 and when they don't succeed they 22 become embittered, 23 ugly, 24 they imagine that they have 25 been slighted, cheated, 26 demeaned. 27 then they concentrate upon their 28 unhappiness, their last 29 refuge. [Page 378] 30 and they're good at that, 31 they are very good at that. 32 they have so much unhappiness 33 they insist upon your sharing it 34 too. 35 they bathe and splash in their 36 unhappiness, 37 they splash it upon you. 38 it's all they have. 39 it's all they want. 40 it's all they can be. 41 you must refuse to join them. 42 you must remain yourself. 43 you must open the curtains 44 or the blinds 45 or the windows 46 to the gentle light. 47 to joy. 48 it's there in life 49 and even in death 50 it can be 51 there. [Page 379] Bukowski, Charles:be alone [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 when you think about how often 2 it all goes wrong 3 again and again 4 you begin to look at the walls 5 and yearn to stay inside 6 because the streets are the 7 same old movie 8 and the heroes all end up like 9 old movie heroes: 10 fat ass, fat face and the brain 11 of a lizard. 12 it's no wonder that 13 a wise man will 14 climb a 10,000 foot mountain 15 and sit there waiting 16 living off of berry bush leaves 17 rather than bet it all on two dimpled knees 18 that surely won't last a lifetime 19 and 2 times out of 3 20 won't remain even for one long night. 21 mountains are hard to climb. 22 thus the walls are your friends. 23 learn your walls. 24 what they have given us out there 25 in the streets 26 is something that even children 27 get tired of. 28 stay within your walls. [Page 380] 29 they are the truest love. 30 build where few others build. 31 it's the last way left. [Page 381] Bukowski, Charles:I inherit [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 the old guy next door died 2 last week, 3 he was 95 or 96, 4 I am not sure. 5 but I am now the oldest fart 6 in the neighborhood. 7 when I bend over to 8 pick up the morning 9 paper 10 I think of heart attack 11 or when I swim in my 12 pool 13 alone 14 I think, 15 Jesus Christ, 16 they'll come and 17 find me floating here 18 face down, 19 my 8 cats sitting on the 20 edge 21 licking and 22 scratching. 23 dying's not bad, 24 it's that little transition 25 from here to 26 there 27 that's strange 28 like flicking the light 29 switch 30 off. 31 I'm now the old fart [Page 382] 32 in the neighborhood, 33 been working at it for 34 some time, 35 but now I have to work 36 in some new 37 moves: 38 I have to forget to zip up 39 all the way, 40 wear slippers instead of my 41 shoes, 42 hang my glasses around my 43 neck, 44 fart loudly in the 45 supermarket, 46 wear unmatched 47 socks, 48 back my car into a 49 garbage can. 50 I must shorten my 51 stride, take small 52 mincing steps, 53 develop a squint, 54 bow my head and 55 ask, "what? what 56 did you say?" 57 I've got to get ready, 58 whiten my hair, 59 forget to 60 shave. 61 I want you to know me 62 when you see 63 me: 64 I'm now the old fart 65 in the neighborhood 66 and you can't tell me 67 a damn thing I don't already [Page 383] 68 know. 69 respect your elders, 70 sonny, and get the 71 hell out of my 72 way! [Page 384] Bukowski, Charles:another day [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 having the low-down blues and going 2 into a restaurant to eat. 3 you sit at a table. 4 the waitress smiles at you. 5 she's dumpy. her ass is too big. 6 she radiates kindness and sympathy. 7 live with her 3 months and a man would 8 know some real agony. 9 o.k., you'll tip her 15%. 10 you order a turkey sandwich and a 11 beer. 12 the man at the table across from you 13 has watery blue eyes and 14 a head like an elephant. 15 at a table further down are 3 men 16 with very tiny heads 17 and long necks 18 like ostriches. 19 they talk loudly of land development. 20 why, you think, did I ever come 21 in here when I have the low-down 22 blues? 23 then the waitress comes back with the sandwich 24 and she asks you if there will be anything 25 else? 26 and you tell her, no no no, this will be 27 fine. 28 then somebody behind you laughs. 29 it's a cork laugh filled with sand and 30 broken glass. 31 you begin eating the sandwich. [Page 385] 32 it's something. 33 it's a minor, difficult, 34 sensible action 35 like composing a popular song 36 to make a 14-year-old 37 weep. 38 you order another beer. 39 jesus, look at that guy 40 his hands hang down almost to his 41 knees and he's 42 whistling. 43 well, time to get out. 44 pick up the bill. 45 tip. 46 go to the register. 47 pay. 48 pick up a toothpick. 49 go out the door. 50 your car is still there. 51 and there are the 3 men with heads 52 and necks 53 like ostriches all getting into one 54 car. 55 they each have a toothpick and now 56 they are talking about 57 women. 58 they drive away first. 59 they drive away fast. 60 they're best, I guess. 61 it's an unbearably hot day. 62 there's a first-stage smog alert. 63 all the birds and plants are dead 64 or dying. 65 you start the engine. [Page 386] Bukowski, Charles:tabby cat [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 he has on bluejeans and tennis shoes 2 and walks with two young girls 3 about his age. 4 every now and then he leaps 5 into the air and 6 clicks his heels together. 7 he's like a young colt 8 but somehow he also reminds me 9 more of a tabby cat. 10 his ass is soft and 11 he has no more on his mind 12 than a gnat. 13 he jumps along behind his girls 14 clicking his heels together. 15 then he pulls the hair of one 16 runs over to the other and 17 squeezes her neck. 18 he has fucked both of them and 19 is pleased with himself. 20 it has all happened 21 so easily for him. 22 and I think, ah, 23 my little tabby cat 24 what nights and days 25 wait for you. [Page 387] 26 your soft ass 27 will be your doom. 28 your agony 29 will be endless 30 and the girls 31 who are yours now 32 will soon belong to other men 33 who didn't get their cookies 34 and cream so easily and 35 so early. 36 the girls are practicing on you 37 the girls are practicing for other men 38 for someone out of the jungle 39 for someone out of the lion cage. 40 I smile as 41 I watch you walking along 42 clicking your heels together. 43 my god, boy, I fear for you 44 on that night 45 when you first find out. 46 it's a sunny day now. 47 jump 48 while you 49 can. [Page 388] Bukowski, Charles:the gamblers [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 the young boys at the track, what are they 2 doing here? 3 6 or 7 of them running around, tearing up 4 their tickets, saying, 5 "shit! god damn! fuck it!" 6 they whirl about, they look like virgins, 7 they are going to bet again. 8 it's the same after each race: 9 "shit! god damn! fuck it!" 10 they leave after the last race, 11 skipping down the stairways like fairies, 12 they wear sneakers, little t-shirts, tight 13 pants. 14 put all 6 or 7 of them together and you 15 won't get 800 pounds. 16 they've never been to jail, they live 17 with their parents; they've never had to 18 work 8 to 5. 19 what are they doing here at the race track? 20 I mean, it's bad enough that my horse 21 fell in the 4th, snapped his left foreleg 22 and had to be shot. 23 I mean, any damn fool can go to the 24 race track and most damn fools do, 25 but these little boys hollering 26 "shit! god damn! fuck it!" 27 well, there's no war right now 28 we can't stick them into a uniform just yet 29 but wait a while. [Page 389] Bukowski, Charles:the crowd [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 they love to huddle and chat away the 2 night as I pour them wine. 3 my wife doesn't seem to mind and my mother- 4 in-law fits in nicely. 5 little exchanges as the hours have 6 their arms and legs chopped off, 7 their heads tossed away. 8 I can't believe they are 9 sitting there. 10 I can't believe their words or their 11 laughter. 12 I have no idea why they are here. 13 I have invited nobody. 14 I am the husband. 15 I am to act civilized. 16 I am to behave like them. 17 but I will live past them. 18 this night will not turn me into them. 19 there was a time when I used to run such 20 out the door. 21 but then I would hear over and over 22 what a beast I had been. 23 so now I sit with them, 24 attempt to listen. 25 I even lend a word now and then. 26 they have no idea how I feel. 27 I am like a surgeon cutting into the rot, 28 examining a malignancy. 29 strangely, there is nothing to be learned. [Page 390] 30 "good night, good night, drive 31 carefully." 32 after they leave 33 the place reshapes itself, 34 the cats come out of hiding, 35 I have my first peaceful 36 moment. 37 my wife and I sit together. 38 I say nothing of the 39 departed. 40 the moon shines through 41 the glass doors 42 and the life left in me 43 gently surfaces. 44 I have survived them 45 one 46 more 47 time. [Page 391] Bukowski, Charles:trouble in the night [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 she awakens me almost every night, 2 "Hank! HANK!" 3 shaking me ... 4 "yeh?" I ask. 5 "don't you hear that?" 6 "go to sleep ..." 7 "THERE'S SOMETHING ON THE STAIRS!" 8 "all right ..." 9 I get up, my feet are numb, my legs buckle 10 at the knees. 11 I have a switchblade, and also a stun 12 gun that can freeze a man for 13 15 minutes. 14 I bother with neither 15 just walk to the stairway 16 naked 17 not caring if I find a 9 foot 18 monster, 19 almost hoping to find one. 20 ---halfway down the stairway 21 it's only the cat 22 clawing an old newspaper to 23 pieces. 24 he only wants to get out 25 into the night 26 and I let him 27 out. 28 I go back up. [Page 392] 29 sometimes I think my woman lives with me only 30 because she is afraid to live 31 alone. 32 "it was the cat," I say, climbing in. 33 "ARE YOU SURE?" 34 sometimes I have to conduct 35 a real room-to-room search 36 with all the lights on. 37 I stand naked outside of closet doors 38 and say, 39 "o.k., come on out, big bad thing!" 40 but this night I refuse. 41 "go to sleep," I say, "and 42 in the morning 43 we'll check everything out." 44 I can feel her rigid 45 beside me 46 listening to the sounds of the 47 night but I am soon 48 asleep. 49 I dream that I can fly. 50 I flap my arms and I can fly gracefully 51 through the air. 52 below me men and women are running. 53 they curse me and throw objects. 54 they want me to come down. 55 they want my box of matches, 56 my camera and my 57 car keys. 58 but what does she want? [Page 393] Bukowski, Charles:3 old men at separate tables [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 I am 2 one of them. 3 how did we get here? 4 where are our ladies? 5 what happened to 6 our lives and years? 7 this appears to be a calm Sunday 8 evening. 9 the waiters move among us. 10 we are poured water, coffee, wine. 11 bread arrives, armless, eyeless bread. 12 peaceful bread. 13 we order. 14 we await our orders. 15 where have the wars gone? 16 where have, even, the tiny agonies 17 gone? 18 this place has found us. 19 the white table cloths are placid ponds, 20 the utensils glimmer for our 21 fingers. 22 such calm is ungodly but 23 fair. 24 for in a moment we still remember the 25 hard years and those to come. 26 nothing is forgotten, it is merely put 27 aside. 28 like a glove, a gun, a 29 nightmare. [Page 394] 30 3 old men at separate tables. 31 eternity could be like this. 32 I lift my cup of coffee, 33 the centuries enduring 34 me, 35 nothing else matters so 36 sweetly 37 now. [Page 395] Bukowski, Charles:the singer [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 this then 2 is the arena 3 forevermore. 4 this then is the arena 5 where you must 6 succeed or fail. 7 you have had some 8 success here 9 but they expect more 10 than that 11 in this arena. 12 there have been defeats too, 13 befuddling defeats. 14 there is no mercy in this 15 arena, 16 there is only victory or 17 defeat, 18 something living or something 19 dead. 20 this arena 21 is neither just 22 nor good. 23 there is no permanent 24 escape from this 25 arena. 26 and each temporary escape 27 has a permanent price. [Page 396] 28 neither drink nor love 29 will 30 see you through. 31 in this arena 32 now 33 stretching your arms 34 looking out the window 35 watching cats and leaves and shadows 36 thinking of vanished women and old automobiles 37 while Europe runs up and down your rug 38 you can only sing popular melodies 39 in the last of your mind. [Page 397] Bukowski, Charles:stuck with it [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 this is plagiarism, of course, sitting here with 2 my hands and my feet, 3 sitting here lighting another deadly 4 cigarette, 5 then pouring more deathly booze into 6 myself, 7 and this is plagiarism 8 because I used to read Pound to my 9 drunken prostitute, my first 10 love. 11 I just didn't know, still don't. 12 I buried her, went on to 13 others, 14 then got married in Las Vegas, 15 and lost. 16 what we'd all like to do, of 17 course, is to cut through the 18 fog of centuries 19 and get down into where it 20 shines and blazes, 21 blazes and shines, 22 roars. 23 I gave it a shot, 24 missed. 25 I go to CoCo's, 26 get my Senior Citizen's 27 Dinner, 28 good deal, soup or salad, 29 the beverage, the main 30 course, cornbread [Page 398] 31 too. 32 and I sit with the 33 other old 34 farts, 35 listen to them 36 talk, 37 not bad, really, they've also 38 been burned down to the 39 nub. 40 now I sit here 41 plagiarizing, still probably 42 zapped by the Key West 43 Cuba Kid Fisherman 44 who opted out over his 45 last orange juice 46 somewhere in 47 Idaho. 48 we all steal. 49 but I'll tell you 50 the plagiarism I like best 51 is this pouring of the 52 cabernet sauvignon, 53 1988 54 from the 55 Alexander Valley. 56 and once I held a woman's 57 hand as she was dying of 58 cancer in a small room on 59 some 2nd floor 60 and the stink of it spread 61 for a thousand yards 62 everywhere 63 and I tried not to breathe. 64 my mother, your mother, 65 anybody's mother [Page 399] 66 and she said, dying, 67 "Henry, why do you write 68 those terrible 69 words?" [Page 400] Bukowski, Charles:action on the corner [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 a man hit a pregnant woman 2 he seemed to know her 3 knocked her down on the sidewalk 4 outside the Mexican food place 5 she was wearing a black dress with 6 orange dots 7 she fell on her back and screamed 8 she had a bloody nose 9 and the man was fat 10 powerful 11 in workingman's clothes 12 and a crowd gathered: 13 "what did you 14 hit her for?" 15 "it's not right! you shouldn't do 16 that!" 17 he just stood there 18 looking down at her 19 as she sobbed 20 the blood from her nose 21 running into her 22 mouth. 23 more people gathered 24 there must have been 25 15 people. 26 "somebody do something!" a woman 27 said. 28 nobody did. 29 just then an old battered black car 30 with the headlights on 31 at noon 32 came down the street at 33 70 m.p.h. [Page 401] 34 a bearded man was driving 35 swerving to avoid a car 36 he flashed by with 2 wheels 37 momentarily up on the 38 curb near the 39 crowd. 40 there were shouts: 41 "LOOK OUT!" 42 "JESUS!" 43 then he got the wheels back down 44 on the street 45 fired through the 46 red light 47 without hitting a thing and 48 was gone. 49 when the crowed recovered 50 and looked around again 51 the pregnant woman 52 was still on the 53 sidewalk 54 she looked almost 55 asleep 56 but the man was 57 gone. 58 "the son-of-a-bitch got 59 away," somebody 60 said. 61 one man looked up at the 62 sky 63 as if looking for an invasion 64 from space. 65 the cook from the Mexican cafe 66 stood in his 67 dirty apron. 68 then somebody moved forward and 69 helped the pregnant woman 70 to her feet. [Page 402] Bukowski, Charles:no guru [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 I keep getting phone calls from the 2 helpless and the lonely and the 3 depressed. 4 yes, I tell them, that happens to all of 5 us. 6 oh, you're writing poems now? I'll buy your 7 book. 8 women? you lose them and you find 9 them. be strong. eat well. 10 sleep late, if 11 possible. 12 you're sick? you should jog, jog 13 along the water. watch for the 14 dolphins. you need vitamin E, cigarettes, and a 15 new typewriter ribbon. 16 I hang up. 17 I go over and sit down in front of the 18 typewriter. 19 little do they know, those suffering 20 bastards, that no man is completely 21 sane. I am sweating behind the ears. 22 the phone rings again. I 23 listen. I listen until it stops 24 then I lean over the 25 keys ... [Page 403] 26 another great book in the works 27 for 28 Barnes and Noble. [Page 404] Bukowski, Charles:in this cage some songs are born [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 I write poetry, worry, smile, 2 laugh 3 sleep 4 continue for a while 5 just like most of us 6 just like all of us; 7 sometimes I want to hug all 8 Mankind on earth 9 and say, 10 god damn all this that they've brought down 11 upon us, 12 we are brave and good 13 even though we are selfish 14 and kill each other and 15 kill ourselves, 16 we are the people 17 born to kill and die and weep in dark rooms 18 and love in dark rooms, 19 and wait, and 20 wait and wait and wait. 21 we are the people. 22 we are nothing 23 more. [Page 405] Bukowski, Charles:my movie [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 my movies are getting better finally. 2 but I remember this one old movie I starred in. 3 I worked as a janitor in a tall office building 4 at night, with other men and 5 women who cleaned up the shit 6 left behind by other people. 7 those men and women had a very tired and dark and 8 useless feeling about them. 9 this one old man and I 10 we used to work very fast together 11 and then sit in an office on the top 12 floor 13 at the Big Man's desk 14 our feet up there as 15 we looked out over the city and 16 watched the sun come up while 17 drinking whiskey 18 from the Big Man's wet bar. 19 the old man talked and I listened to the 20 years of his life 21 not much 22 he was just another tired guy who cleaned up 23 other people's shit 24 and did a good job of it. 25 I didn't. 26 they canned me. 27 then I got a job as a dishwasher 28 and they also canned me there because 29 I wasn't a good dishwasher. [Page 406] 30 this was a seemingly endless low-budget movie 31 it ran for years and years 32 it didn't cost 50 million to make 33 it didn't have an anti-war message 34 it really didn't have much to say about anything 35 but you still ought to read my poems 36 and see it. [Page 407] Bukowski, Charles:a new war [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 a different fight now, warding off the weariness of 2 age, 3 retreating to your room, stretching out upon the bed, 4 there's not much will to move, 5 it's near midnight now. 6 not so long ago your night would be just 7 beginning, but don't lament lost youth: 8 youth was no wonder 9 either. 10 but now it's the waiting on death. 11 it's not death that's the problem, it's the waiting. 12 you should have been dead decades ago. 13 the abuse you wreaked upon yourself was 14 enormous and non-ending. 15 a different fight now, yes, but nothing to 16 mourn, only to 17 note. 18 frankly, it's even a bit dull waiting on the 19 blade. 20 and to think, after I'm gone, 21 there will be more days for others, other days, 22 other nights. 23 dogs walking, trees shaking in 24 the wind. 25 I won't be leaving much. 26 something to read, maybe. 27 a wild onion in the gutted 28 road. 29 Paris in the dark. [Page 408] Bukowski, Charles:roll the dice [from what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. (1999), The Viking Press] 1 if you're going to try, go all the 2 way. 3 otherwise, don't even start. 4 if you're going to try, go all the 5 way. 6 this could mean losing girlfriends, 7 wives, relatives, jobs and 8 maybe your mind. 9 go all the way. 10 it could mean not eating for 3 or 11 4 days. 12 it could mean freezing on a 13 park bench. 14 it could mean jail, 15 it could mean derision, 16 mockery, 17 isolation. 18 isolation is the gift, 19 all the others are a test of your 20 endurance, of 21 how much you really want to 22 do it. 23 and you'll do it 24 despite rejection and the 25 worst odds 26 and it will be better than 27 anything else 28 you can imagine. 29 if you're going to try, [Page 409] 30 go all the way. 31 there is no other feeling like 32 that. 33 you will be alone with the 34 gods 35 and the nights will flame with 36 fire. 37 do it, do it, do it. 38 do it. 39 all the way 40 all the way. 41 you will ride life straight to 42 perfect laughter, it's 43 the only good fight 44 there is. 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